anitablaze

So a year and a half ago, I was assaulted several times and it really fucked with my head. I didn't tell anyone and when my friends and family started to notice that I was extremely withdrawn and tried to help me and figure out what was going on, I would withdraw even more. I tried to commit suicide out in a park, down by the riverside in the middle of the night. Someone was walking thier dog, and found me. I was unconcious and taken to hospital where I spent 3 days, then was taken to the psych ward for 3 weeks. After that my brother took me in to get me into a new environment. I started getting extremely agoraphobic. I wouldn't leave the house except in the middle of the night to walk my dog. My brother tried to get me to socialize, and I would introduce myself and hang out for 5-10 min, then go back into my room. I was crying everyday and just not in a good mental state. My brother pushed me to go to councelling and I did, but I had a seriously difficult time taking the councellors seriously when they would give me the 'survivor' speech. And they all did. I started spending a lot of time on the internet and reading books about mental illnesses and other people who have gone through similar situations. I found myself on a site for abused women and it helped me much more speaking with other victims than speaking to someone who got paid to listen to me. Around Christmas, (the year before last) I was feeling pretty lonely. I opted to not go to the family gathering because I had attended family thanksgiving and it had not gone well. My family was so desperately concerned about me it kept me in my old childhood room for the majority of the night crying.
So I started talking to someone on the internet. We got along fabulously and after a couple weeks, he was the main person I'd talk to. Eventually I (and he) started to get more curious about each other. He was a guy in Ohio and I'm in Ontario. We are the same age and have a lot in common. He helped me through a lot of feelings I wouldn't let my own friends or councellors help me through.
Mid may last year we met. After a couple months of talking he asked for a picture of me, and I asked for one of him, so we knew we were attracted to each other. So far, we've only met each other twice. We've spent a total of two and a half weeks around each other, though we talk several times a week. So my problem is:
-we both want to take this further, but I'm just not sure. I've heard of american citizens wanting to marry canadians in order to move here for a better life.
-he has a car, I don't. It's my turn to visit him, but I just can't take time off of work. A bus ride there takes at least 12 hours each way, and I feel like it's just too much travelling for a weekend. I've offered to pay for his gas, and he comes up with excuses. His latest was that his car broke down, yet somehow he still drives to work.
-I like not being around him all the time, as in, I like the freedom I have. But at the same time, it would be nice to have someone around when I'm having a bad day, or when I'm horny (lol)
-a month ago, I broke things off. He started talking about getting married and me sponsoring him, and I got scared. And I met someone else. We dated for 3 weeks, and after about 2 weeks the time came where we were both attracted to each other and sex was definately the next step, but I couldn't. The great thing about this guy in Ohio (My friends know him as Ohio, or America, so I shall refer to him as that from now on) is he knows about what little things in sex give me flashbacks and I've cried in front of him while having sex before, so it's old news to him. And he's very good abouthandling issues that arise from my past experiences. I'm terrified about telling someone new though. I ended up breaking up with this guy and going back to America.
-Last night he wanted me to call him. After work he went and hung out with a friend and I told him to text me whenever a good time to call was. He never texted me, so I went to bed and sent him a text saying so. He texted me this morning saying how his best friends grandfather died and he had to go console him. Then about how he fell down the stairs this morning and how it might be broken. I just feel lied to. I know he didn't break his wrist, otherwise he wouldnt be able to text, or drive stick, which he was doing, while texting me. Also, why couldn't he have texted me to tell me he couldn't talk that night? This isn't the first time it's happened, and everytime he's promised to call me, then hasn't he has some dumb excuse. Like he got mugged.

I guess I went a little off the deep end. My point is, I just don't know what to do. Is it too much effort for not enough reward? I want to have someone to be there for me when I have my bad days, but I'm too scared to start something new. Should I?

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AnimalLover420

To be honest, America sounds a little shady to me. I love the idea of you having someone to turn to, and I do encourage taking advantage of any opportunity to let out some of the things that are eating at you. But as for taking things further, take your time girl. And if you're seriously concerned about his motives, maybe you should find someone else that you could eventually grow to trust. This world is full of compassionate people who would love to be there for you, it sounds like there are numerous members of your own family who would be eager to fill that role but I understand your unwillingness to let them. But the fact that you cannot be sure if he really has your best interest at heart makes me worry that you'll never be able to completely let your guard down with him.

Just to throw this out there, I have been in a very similar situation. A lot of your story takes me back to that situation and I am so sorry that you are feeling the way you are. I know you don't know me at all, but I can promise you I don't have any hidden agendas. Canada is awesome and all, but you can rest assured that if you ever needed someone, you could come to me without worrying about my reasoning for being there for you. Whether you take me up on it or not, I do hope you find someone to help you pull through this. I cannot emphasize enough the importance of leaning on people who truly want to help you. I could have never made it through what I consider to be the darkest time in my life if it weren't for the fact that I was carried part of the way. Love to you, sweetie. I promise it won't always be like this. DO NOT DIE. Coming through it will be the most empowering thing you've ever done.

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farmergiles

This is suspect.

This is also suspect.

Having said that he may be a good guy who's just not very reliable. So maybe yes for chat and no strings nookie but I'd say do not get married .

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Cultivate a stoic calmness

my_scatterheart

He sounds shady. And if he's not shady, he sounds like a piece of shit. It's nice to have someone to talk to, but at what cost? Namsayin? There's tons of people on here you can hit up if you need to talk, myself included, and I'm sure more than you think here that have some shit in common with you/your situation.

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Be mindful even if your mind is full. -J. De La Vega

anitablaze

I have moved back to my hometown and am going to specialized councelling through two different organizations now. I have a job again, and am doing kinda well dealing with family, but they are still very worried about me.

I've never been in a relationship before, and though I've had sexual partners I've made a point about staying emotionally unattached. This is the first time I've loved someone and it's really difficult to end things. I totally see your point about not trusting him though. And it worries me that if it's always going to be like this and I can't fully trust him.. What happens 2 years down the road when we break up and I've wasted all that time with him. I know I shouldn't look at it like that, because it's a learning experience regardless right?. I appreciate the things he's helped me with and I do love him very much. God. I'm just lost.

And you know, I used to be of the mindset that I shouldn't want or need anyone to help me through things. I can do it on my own, you know? Especially with a situation like this. What if it screws me up even more? But I would really like someone to be there for me during the times I'm really down.
Anyways, I appreciate the words of wisdom and the offer, and congrats on the new news! =]

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Mafoo

you need to be right with yourself before you bring another person (and their issues) into the the equation.

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PLUR
For once you have tasted flight you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skywards, for there you have been and there you will long to return