Mafoo

im having a really hard time right now. ive been dating this girl since the beginning of january, and things seemed to be going really well for a while. we were spending alot of time together and being intimate. basically acting like a couple but we never really talked about whats going on between us. we both told eachother that we liked what was happening and that we were into eachother, that was good, but never talked about it from a relationship standpoint. it might be good to note that i just turned 23 and shes 19

this girl is a dancer and has dance/ normal classes from morning til late at night so i havent been seeing her during the week as much. i started to feel unsure about everything because even when im super busy i can still manage a text here and there or a phone call, but she doesnt text me much or try and make plans with me, which is obviously a bad sign, even puppy loving old me can see that

so for the past few weeks this has all been playing on my mind, we've hung out a few times and its weird to me because she still agrees to come out with me and is affectionate toward me(maybe not as much so as when we first got together). she holds my hand and kisses me hello/goodbye, which i like but is even more confusing in light of some recent information.

we met up on saturday night and i basically couldnt stand being unsure anymore so i asked her whats going on with her and said that i feel like she might not be into me anymore. she told me she is into me and that she really likes me but that she cant be in a relationship right now because she just got out of a long relationship (she mentioned this before), and shes got stuff going on with dance/school and her family. she said she doesnt really even think about it (referring to me/ the relationship).

at that point i was really confused and i told her that the way shes been acting around me kind of contradicts what shes saying. i said "well that wasnt really what i wanted to hear, but im not entirely surprised." and i started to get out of her car(we were talking in front of my house). and then she stops me and asks "well what are we going to do?" CONFUSING. she asks if i just want to be friends or if we can still see eachother. i started to ask her whats the difference between a relationship and the way we've been hanging out? and she didnt really come up with an answer. we kind of decided that we would still see eachother, am i being desperate here? and then i hop out of the car(i was driving her car) and she comes around from the passenger side and hugs me and gives me a kiss..... the whole exchange bothered/ confused me so much i was unable to sleep til the following night.

its been a short relationship but i really do like her, probably too much at this point. and its causing me alot of stress/pain to have to process this. again i wasnt totally shocked due to some of the signs like not texting/ making plans, but i thought it was bacause shes busy. we pretty much only hang out when its convenient for her due to her schedule, and i dont really want to devalue myself and be waiting for this girl to come around, but its confusing to me because of how shes warm and affectionate when we are together.

i dont really know what to make of all of this. even though i said we could still see eachother, i dont plan on texting or calling her anymore(even though i feel like i want to for some reason). i dont want to be lead on or be waiting for her to be ready for something more serious, and i feel like if she really cared she wouldnt be doing this to me...

im just looking for some outside opinions because im really confused and i dont like how much this is affecting me. my plan is basically to deal with the stress for now and see where time takes me

any opinions/advice will be much appreciated

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PLUR
For once you have tasted flight you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skywards, for there you have been and there you will long to return

Let's Chill

print out this post and make her read it. Dont really do that, but what I'm saying is, the more communication the better. The more open and honest about how you feel with her will only give you the answers you are stressing about, and I have found most girls are attracted to the intimacy of being completely open with them. Good luck, and if it doesn't work just remember that bitches ain't shit but hos and tricks =)

The Rev

Sounds like you like her more than she likes you, but that she still likes you. That can be a fucked up place to find yourself, as the relationship becomes more about tension than just chilling and enjoying each other's company. I won't give you advice on how to proceed. I just know that for myself, I was never able to scale back my feelings to make situations like that work. Maybe you can. I think relationships should be fun, though, not full of worry about the other person.



The Rev

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my_scatterheart

A lot of women are asked to put forth a lot of CARE. It doesn't sound like a lot, and looks like even less in writing. And at times I've had to bring this up in my life, and remind myself that as a woman, some of the things I take on in this area really add up.
Some women are brought up to cook, clean, etc. not because it's the "Woman" thing to do, but because it's the caring thing to do. It's about making other people's lives easier. So I've spent a lot of time doing these things, in addition to my school stuff, and the happenings in my own life. It gets to be a lot. And I know for me, I added on a lot of family care-taker responsibilities that while I was ready for, can really become totally overwhelming in some of the most unimaginable ways. You end up putting forth everything you have within you emotionally, and physically. Tacking anything else on seems daunting.
I don't know her story/situation, but it sounds like that's what's happening (if she's being truthful). It's not to say that men don't have these problems, but I think it's more prevalent in women. We try to take on a lot a lot a lot with no concern for ourselves.
When she says she doesn't think about it, but then when you guys chill she loves on you - (I can't judge this 100% accurately, because I'm not there) I've been there. You have so much on your plate that people outside of the realm of your main concerns don't even register on your care threshold. And it reflects little to none on the person that you're not paying attention to, it's just that your priorities lay elsewhere.
If you need to be a top priority right now, then move on, clearly you're not getting that. But if you can deal (honestly) with not being that, then continue on. Like I said, it's hard because I couldn't possibly know if she's being forthright about her feelings, etc. But if it were me and I had said those things, this would be why.

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Be mindful even if your mind is full. -J. De La Vega

Mafoo

thanks for reading the wall of text.

@lets chill: i was pretty open with her and she seemed to be open with me when i confronted her. im not about to tell this girl i love her and need her and all that shit, i have strong feelings for her but its too soon to know if those feelings are valid. for all i know "cant be in a serious relaitonship" translates into "wants to get with other dudes" which is fine, ill just have to get over it, because im not going to be 1 of several guys shes with.

@the rev: ya i know what you mean about me liking her more than she likes me. in my past relationships the girl was always hitting me up and making plans n stuff so i kind of gathered that i was more into her. im not entirely sure if i can deal with that but i think im going to give it a shot and let her come to me and see how it feels next time i see her.

@scatter: not that i have some sort of magical intuition, but i dont really detect any devious behavior from this girl, and i know she is genuinely overloaded with school and dance because she always talks about how stressful it is in her program. (dancers are dramatic and theres alot of weird competition that goes on within the dance team on top of the intense criticism from the directors). i think what you are saying may be a big portion of whats happening here. i dont really need to be number 1 priority, i feel like that would be unfair to expect, but its hard for me to wrap my noggin around the fact that she said she doesnt really think about me because i know i can care about alot of things at once. im also taking into account how it feels to be a freshman in college/ new to this fairly prestigious and competitive dance program/ coming off of a long term realtionship. i told her that i can see where shes coming from in that respect

the fact that she was willing to have this conversation, and didnt just blow me off entirely, seems to show that she actually does care. so i think im going to play it by ear and keep busy. if she contacts me, cool. if not, then i dont have to stress about it anymore.

thanks for the responses, i dont like discussing this stuff with my close friends, cuz they think im such a puss for not just going and fucking other girls.

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PLUR
For once you have tasted flight you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skywards, for there you have been and there you will long to return

my_scatterheart

1)Mad props for even confronting her. Seriously, I would've kissed you. That's one vital component that was missing from a lot of guys in my past.
2)I was surprised that your story didn't end with 'I asked, she got pissed and freaked out', for 19, the fact that that didn't occur is pretty rad in itself.
3)

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Be mindful even if your mind is full. -J. De La Vega

Mafoo

1. thanks, i try to be forward. i figure, words can be confusing enough, saying nothing is much more confusing though.
2. i was actually somewhat surprised(still saddened by what she said), but i did tell her that i appreciate the fact that shes explaining herself to me. thats why im so conflicted, had she reacted negatively, it would have been much simpler to move on.
3. :supermegahug: thanks for the kindness.

i think some space between us might make the situation better

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PLUR
For once you have tasted flight you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skywards, for there you have been and there you will long to return

Waves

one image for you:

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On this life that we call home
The years go fast and the days go so slow

Waves

ps- backstory - Fuck That Bitch / Dumb Bitch | Know Your Meme

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On this life that we call home
The years go fast and the days go so slow

kitch

If she just wants to use you for sex I really don't see why this is a problem.

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farmergiles

She's probably not being honest with herself about what she's up to..

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Cultivate a stoic calmness

anitablaze

She's just gotten out of a big relationship. Did it end badly and maybe possibly gave her negative feelings towards getting to close to someone, or showing someone how much she cares?
She's in school and working hard. Sounds like she's striving to get somewhere. It's not her top priority to fuck her emotions over again, and get sidetracked.

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Jester4yall

I think she just wants the physical part without the emotions right now. I'd step back a little with the confrontations about whether or not yall are together. That will likely scare her off. Plus I'm not trying to bust your balls when I say this, your the REBOUND. If you really really want to be with her I'd back off. Be friends and if yall scrump so be it but the frienship will seal the deal. Good luck and just remember what do I know I've been divorced.

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In matters of style, swim with the current; In matters of principle, stand like a rock. -Thomas Jefferson

You will encounter many distractions and many temptations to put your goal aside: The security of a job, a wife who wants kids, whatever. But if you hang in there, always following your vision, I have no doubt you will succeed. - Larry Flynt

tedkennedy

its hard to say whats up but my interpretation is that either she is genuinely just not interested in a serious relationship or she is stringing you along until something better comes along. my advice would be proceed with caution, don't hang your emotions out on the line to a person that you do not fully trust.

buon fortuna negro

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matthew munari

Mikey

i think she's just into a physical not too serious thing going on right now with the way you were making it sound

like how when she said 'what are we going to do now' she probably just wanted to come inside with you and not talk anymore

maybe you like her more then she likes you...just be honest with each other and good luck

keep us updated

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RIP Gov

José

Yeah man I just got out of a relationship like this. The girl claimed to have a lot of "guy friends," because she hates drama that comes with girls. She did have one good friend who was a girl but all others were guys. Now this is nothing new to me, my old HS gf was this way but it never bothered me.

Anyways this girl wouldn't like to hold hands in public or anything, but when she's in private she won't hesitate to do anything like that. Not that there's anything wrong with not liking PDA, I can understand that. The weird part though was that she would claim to be in a relationship with me but she didn't really show it. Never really introduced me to any of her other friends, but she would text me unlike what you were saying. I honestly wouldn't have had a problem if she just told me I'm not the only one, I wouldn't have complained but it would have saved me some dignity thinking I was the only one..

So anyways what I'm trying to say is FUCK girls who aren't crazy about you. I don't know about you but I want a girl who thinks about me. Sounds gay, whatever, I don't care.

AnimalLover420

This is called The 19-year-old-girl Syndrome. I want to say that I've never known a chick who didn't experience it, but surely I have- they're just rare. There is something about a 19-year-old-girl that causes her to freak out at the thought of commitment every once in a while, even if she's got something good going on. I've talked to many dudes who have witnessed this too (can anyone back me up here?). Everything's going fine with this sweet little lady, and then all of the sudden she's getting all unsure and elusive on you. It's hard to pin down a girl of that age, even if you're an amazing guy like you, Mafoo. I was not immune from this particular syndrome, and while the guy who was dating me at the time did manage to keep hold of me (and now pegged his last name to this ass, ultimately taming the wildest little bronco he's ever tried to keep hold of ) I definitely did flake out on him a couple times.

Unless you find out she's totally whoring around and making you look like a damned fool, don't go too hard on the girl. After all, it does sound like she told you going into this that she might not be down for anything serious at the moment. Don't wait around or allow yourself to be strung along, but be understanding and maybe it will be you who finally settles this hawt little dancer chick into a committed lifestyle. Enjoy the ride!

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Mikey

^ ziiiing
hit the nail on the head there
advice doesn't get more solid then that right there

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RIP Gov

Mafoo

she never went into any details about her past relationship. thats why it was surprising to me to hear that.

thanks for this AL. it seems like she kinda changed on me suddenly so im hoping it has to do with what you're saying, but i really dont know. ive never been in a situation like this before so its really shitty right now for me.

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PLUR
For once you have tasted flight you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skywards, for there you have been and there you will long to return

Mafoo

well someone asked to be kept up to date so heres whats going on lol.


i had finals and was busy studying for them that week. that thursday, the night before my last final, i get a text from the dancer basically it said she felt we ended our conversation on a bad note and that she doesnt know what i want from her. i didnt really understand that second part tbh, but i was really stressed about my phsyics final so i said id have to call her the next day. i called her after my test and we talked, basically had the same conversation and agreed we would hang out about an hour later.

so im up in my room making some music in my extremely loud headphones, waiting for her to hit me up. turns out i missed her text letting me know she was at my house( and 2 calls, my phone barely vibrates anymore). only reason i even knew she had called was becuase i pulled out my phone to figure out how long it would be til she arrived. facepalm. i go outside and shes not there.. so i call her and she doesnt answer. i texted her saying i missed the call and asked where she went... no reply. obviously she got pissed, the timing of this could not really have been worse lol. i feel like she thinks i did all that on purpose but i really didnt feel the phone blah blah it sucked.

that was friday, didnt hear back from her at all over the weekend. i called her on tuesday to see wtf was going on and she said she wasnt gonna sit there waiting outside my house, i apologized. she sounded mad and said i mustve had something better to do. she asked me how it was going and i wished her luck on her midterms. we didnt talk after that.

and then we ran into eachother at a house party last night, she came up and hugged me and said something nice about my jacket and i just said oh hey, thanks and didnt really say anything. and then she came up and said she was leaving and hugged me goodbye.

it was odd.

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PLUR
For once you have tasted flight you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skywards, for there you have been and there you will long to return