The Rev

I've never really felt understood, or that people were much interested in the things that I did that I KNEW were special or remarkable in some way. I did always feel, though that people had things for me that I HAD to do for THEM. When I was a kid, I retaliated by avoiding those things, and as an adult, I kinda do the same. I feel the urge to escape everything mandatory in my life that doesn't come with something for me in return; something that meets my need of being important, worth listening to.

I realized this this morning. I've been putting off getting a job because I hate office shit, I hate being invisible as myself, and only existing to the degree that I fulfill the needs of those around me. That's irrational, I know, but it's how I feel.

It's a relief to me to realize this about myself, and how I look for ways to condemn other people, and their creations, out of resentment. I guess I'm really a lot angrier than I ever realized. And since I cope with it in ways that aren't good for me (like procrastinating, or nervously eating, or whatever), I see how it's tearing me down. For all my humor, I see myself turning into a sort of bitter, sick old man.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I could really use a blow. Hotties, PM me.



The Rev

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SmokeaJoint

Best advice I ever had went like this: "Fuck what other people think. Do what makes YOU happy."

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AMERICA: LAND OF THE FREE!
Some restrictions may apply. Void where prohibited

Grieves

That sounds like the exact kind of advice that got him to this point of loathing SaJ...


The human experience is riddled with the emotional fallout of finding the balance of isolation of self-satisfaction and defining one's place through outward efforts...Sounds like you are long due for a change of pace rev, you sound rooted, and rutted...Mix in some change of pace shit, and maybe those blowbies will start showin up, and if not actual blowbies than the emotional handies that can help just as much...

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The Rev

Emotional handies.

I think you're right, Grieves. I COULD use a change. I've been in that "knowing yourself a little too much" place for WAY too long.



The Rev

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kitch

ya know what's sad? I've been so depressed lately I haven't even been waking up with morning wood. I actually turned down sex this morning. I'm trying my best to work out what's wrong in my mind but I drink a lot thinking it will make me happy, it never really seems to work tho.

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The Rev

For me, morning wood has never had anything to do with sex, or feeling sexual, so it's never been affected by depression or anxiety for me. It's just a rebel without a cause.

And, yeah, drinking never helps. It always sounds like a good idea, tho. Kinda fucked up that way.



The Rev

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Jester4yall

Drinking=temporary solution.. Rev dude I hope your cheering up some dude.. I think we all get in a rut and reevaluate our lives.. Life is a big rollercoaster up and downs, fun and scary, but in the end it's too damn short!!

So cheer the fuck up

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In matters of style, swim with the current; In matters of principle, stand like a rock. -Thomas Jefferson

You will encounter many distractions and many temptations to put your goal aside: The security of a job, a wife who wants kids, whatever. But if you hang in there, always following your vision, I have no doubt you will succeed. - Larry Flynt

The Rev

I'm not really down about it. I feel more like I had an insight, and I'm relieved to better understand myself. I have been in a rut, tho, and feeling pretty down these last few months. I just didn't understand why, until now. The hardest shit to see in life can be the most obvious shit, sometimes.

Now, I just have to start letting it sink in, and change the habits that have gotten me to this place. I'm getting fucking fat.



The Rev

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Jester4yall

Gotcha.. Stick with what your plan mang. Maybe change your diet a lil bit or go for stoned walks each night to knock some pudge off.. Cheers sir

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In matters of style, swim with the current; In matters of principle, stand like a rock. -Thomas Jefferson

You will encounter many distractions and many temptations to put your goal aside: The security of a job, a wife who wants kids, whatever. But if you hang in there, always following your vision, I have no doubt you will succeed. - Larry Flynt

Kompressor

Why does having to do something for someone else equate as a negative?

I often run into confounding anger as to why people don't see the remarkable in my interests, but I find eventually if i wait long enough they come around. Also in the process a little of their good qualities rubs off on me.

I think you just need to hang around smarter people Rev.

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Think like a man of action, act like a man of thought. -H. Bergson

HTAM

Hanging around with people that appreciate you goes a long way.

In work and play.

Cliche, but true.

The Rev

No doubt.

BTW, I think my resentment (and this is an emotional reaction, not some conviction or anything; I know when I'm not being totally rational) comes from growing up in a home where my parents were only interested in me when they were demanding something of me. So it got ingrained in me to feel great frustration with those who took me for granted, or adopted an attitude of entitlement with me.

I fell into bad habits (like procrastination, my worst habit) as a way of coping with that. I didn't refuse their demands outright, but rather avoided them at all cost. And while that helped me to retain a sense of worth then, it's utterly undermining my life now. I have a lifetime of anger bottled up, and it comes out in fucked up ways. For example, if you don't like hearing lots of bitching and sarcasm, don't watch TV with me, because I hate the commercials trying to manipulate me.

Funny thing, I told my wife about this deep insight and she's like, "Well, duh." I guess Proust was right when he said, "No man is a complete mystery, except to himself."



The Rev

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HTAM

I feel like I might have a solution for you.

You're a funny guy.

Not like 'Clown Funny' y'know, funny in general.

I think you should write a stand up that is built around one liners that talk about all the shit you see on commercials. How you feel like they are trying to manipulate you.

My Mom always said, "If it says, 'New and Improved!' you're getting less and it tastes worse."

There's gotta be more to it than that.

The Rev

I'd be the darkest comic since Dana Gould revealed his nightmare of being chased by a psychotic clown with an erection.



The Rev

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SageTree

Ok Rev, I'm not sure how coherent or linear this is, but I feel like I have to get some thoughts out here on the subject..... This is all in kind and me doing the best I can with what I know and with the empathy I feel from reading your post.



In that picture is that You are the man on the Hill and the Sun is the Light of your True Self, a place of Creation, the Present Moment unbound.
The Shadow between is the Story and Interpretation, the Concept of 'Who you are', which there is nothing wrong with inherently, but in this case, it's the things that block the Light, which we can use to see 'what happened' vs. seeing 'how we attach meaning through what we believe and conclude about ourselves based on past events'.




There are Events.
The Interpretation.
The Beliefs/Decisions we make on that Interpretation.
And our Survival Strategy.


As and example, for myself Doubt is the Shadow over my Sun and if I'm not careful it's a cycle I easily fall into.

Based on justifications and perceptions of past events I'd come to learn/interpret that helping isn't always useful when a person I trusted, like my Dad for instance, was physically and verbally abusive to me when I didn't get it right. So over time, my belief that I knew what to do was shaken, and I started to believe that I didn't know how to help or if what I was doing was right. The way I survived was through explanation of why I made a choice, which didn't work very often, so then I had dread/worry/doubt about if I should explain or if I shouldn't, which didn't work, because either way I usually ended up misunderstood through speaking or misunderstood by not standing up for myself....

This led to extreme anger. Which is a completely different cycle to work on breaking and one that also lead to guilt.... cycle cycle cycle eh?


I was ,and am at times still, trying to make sense of Me, the man on the hill, through referring and reflecting on myself through the Shadow of Doubt, the Concept of Me.



So what it took for me was going back and picking an event in my life that I remember, which 'helped' me establish my Concept of 'Who I am', in the unhelpful way... just as early as I could take it, which was the first time I was physically abused by my Dad when I tried to help him with something.




The act of will or the practice is trying to create some space for shifting that shadow to the side a little, so that some Light, of your 'Who you REALLY are' can shine through and help illuminate your perceptions and judgement.

Reconciling with yourself here is key to having some wiggle room, imo.

I myself feel angry/frustrated, at times, for the Concept of 'who I am' which in a way is being angry at my past self for believing it's own stories and conclusion.

In this case it led me to realizing I was just a boy when I started to grow this Concept of 'Who I was'....

I've been mad at 8-18 year old SageTree.... and I was sad at being mad at a kid.

This was a seed of compassion to grow on.

For me forgiveness created some space/wiggle room to look to acceptance.
Forgiveness, however, doesn't mean that I have to forget, rather the intention here is to not let past emotions control my life now.

I can't change what happened.
But I can shift the focus of the events to the present moment, the way I look back or what I take from it now....

Which, as I mentioned, was me seeing that I was just a kid trying to help my Dad, in this case.
I wasn't in control of his mood or the emotions that led him to hit me.

The other part is the practice of letting go.

I can't change what happened and don't like the conclusions I made about my Self in the Past, I want to let this go now.
Seeing this, I'm in the drivers seat, so to speak.
I don't want to carry destructive past Concepts of Self into the future.
I want to break the cycle of harmful emotional assumptions or at least start wearing it down.


The aim of all this isn't to vilify your past self or dredge up painful emotions.
The aim isn't to reject your experience of emotions, helpful or not....

Rather, it's just another wording for a practice of non-attachment to the old stuck Concepts of Self and it's methods, to help you find a place where you are Present in your emotions and Unbound to Create and Explore 'Who you REALLY are as it happens and can be without the oppressive shackles of belief in past conclusions that keep us feeling trapped.

It creates a place for us to more clearly see emotions as they happen, not to STOP them, but instead see we can strive to transforming what we make of them....

To move from No possibility, to Possibility
From Conceptof You, to Creation of You
Being Past based, to being Present and Future oriented.
Leaving Dis-empowering behaviours in the past and Developing and Seeking Empowering ones.


It's more than simple mindfulness, rather this is a little bit of a tool to use in Mindfulness Practice, that is, something to use critically when you are looking inward and trying to be deeply be present with what arises.


Lots of Love Rev.

I know you are actively trying to work this out and I hope that a tool that I've found helpful will provide some useful or encouraging words, even if they only help you move from a 3.0 to a 3.3 out of 5 or whatever the scale.
I wish you peace ease and happiness.

SageTree

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CowMan

Rev, try to break your own self-perpetuated cycle of self-loathing.

clearly you understand that you are the cause of this problem and that it is an inner struggle, not something that will be solved by changes you are not in control of. So it is time to do something.

Find something that neither gives you anything nor are you forced to do. As a suggestion, Try volunteering for something! It is a great help to the community around you but you are not forced into doing it. Plus it's great for networking and meeting like-minded people.

I find when a person challenges themselves to move outside of the cycles of their own creation they find themselves breaking free of the mindsets that perpetuate the self-loathing or self-pity. You are the solution here Rev! give it a try, do something different, a change is as good as a rest!

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The Rev

Sounds like a great idea, actually. However, I have to say, I do not loathe myself. It is everyone else that I loathe.



The Rev

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Debaser

Rev, I think you're my long lost triplet. (I'd say twin but yeah, already got one of those).

Pretty much everything you've said in this thread could have come out of my own mouth.

(yeah, i'm getting pretty fat too, I need to do something about that but damn, procrastination is so much easier!)

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Wouldn't it be great to heal the world with only a song?

Message CM47: Let's go pay some hookers to knock our junk around.

The Rev

Hey, Debaser! How you been, man?

I just went on a diet, actually. Been about 5 days now, but I'm already feeling better. For some reason, I gain more weight on the inside (where you can still feel your stomach muscles, but you have a gut) and that means my internal organs are getting squashed by the gelatinous legacy of too many cheese puffs. Very uncomfortable, and I'm tired of being uncomfortable.

I'm starting to become more aware of my negative reactions to things, and rethink them when they come. Might be helping. Awareness of things is the only start to changing them, tho, so I know I'm on the right track.



The Rev

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SageTree

Ride 'dem rails Casey Jones... (stay on track)

Good to hear you're having a little success Rev, or at least facing the direction you want.

So if Debaser has a twin, and you and I are twins... does that mean we're quadruplets?

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