wtf am I complaining for (long, boring, irrelevant read)

reggiedrugs · 05-12-2011, 07:40 PM

I’ve always felt guilty posting this help threads for a number of reasons. First I’ve been on these boards for over a couple years and none of you really know me because I choose to more observe than interact with the community here. It’s funny because I know a lot of you. Hell, I could probably list a good thirty or forty members I recognize. I’ve seen members here sadly pass away or members who I throughly enjoyed their posts just seem to disappear. I also read a lot regular posts who still continue to post on these boards. You’re a very cool group. I’m on a number of forums all varying topics and I have to say this one by far has my favourite community which is funny because I post in this one the least.

Second reason I feel guilty is people have it a lot worse than I do including a number of you from what I’ve seen in Guidance and Support and to you I sincerely wish you the best. I’m blessed in a lot of areas. A roof over my head, a fridge full of food, caring family, good friends, etc etc. But I’ve felt bad for a long while and it’s not getting any better in fact it might even be getting worse. I remember in elementary school being brought into the doctors to help my “depression” and a couple times throughout high school too. I don’t know what I’m really asking you guys but maybe I’m just looking for some help, something. Maybe this is just a vent but usually I end up saving my “vent documents” on the computer, never end up sharing them and just delete them down the road. Maybe I’ll do that with this document too.

I don’t understand why I’m so down all the time. I’ve read about depression before and there seems to be two schools of thought. One being that there’s something mentally wrong with the person chemical imbalances and such and the other being that the person just has too much of a negative outlook on life. I’ve been trying to figure out which one I fit into. I don’t feel like there’s anything wrong with me mentally but how do you know for sure? The other one blames me for my sadness and maybe I am to blame but this has been going on for years now and I really do try to look on the upside. Feelings like depression, anger, confusion, rage, guilt and so on just seem to overwhelm me so much more easier than the positive ones do.

Why I feel like I should share this now and didn’t share before because two significant things have happened in my life. I’m done with drugs, at least I think I am. I’m not as experienced as some of you but in high school I did my fair share of things. Smoking weed daily, popping oxy and percs, dabbling in meth and coke. I was interested in heroin for a couple years but ended up passing, that might have been another blessing. Tried salvia once which is my first and last time with any hallucinogenic. All of things I really dug (except for the latter) but due to a number a reasons I decided it was best to quit. I still smoke weed a couple times a week but mostly with friends rather than myself.

However being completely sober is something I can not do and that’s when I met the love of my life, alcohol. In high school like any other kid I drank here and there but it was harder for me to get my hands on it and I was a little unsure about it. Drinking made me wake up with awful headaches, made me do embarrassing things and sometimes throw up. It was really ugly compared to something like marijuana. Once I hit legal age though, I had a change of heart. There’s something so exciting about legally buying a substance that can really fuck you up from a clerk wearing a tie. Then you walk out without worrying about police or shady fools. It’s really great. Plus it’s so much more accepted. My family and friends approved me drinking any day over doing those “dirty” drugs. What was strange about that is I feel so much more self destructive and destructive to those around me drinking than anything else I’ve done in my life.

But now my friends are starting to say I have a problem. Which I don’t believe I do. I like to drink but I keep it under control. I still manage to go to college and get pretty good grades. I show up to work on time and my boss and customers are pretty happy about my work there. However I’m starting to do things I regret. Drink and drive occasionally, say embarrassing things to girls, try and get into fights with friends, pass out in alleys, blackout for days and not remember a thing. I couldn’t really explain why I like drinking so much other than most of the time I feel bad and it makes me feel good. It doesn’t seem complicated and pretty much a no brainer.

The other bit event was I have a large circle of friends. None of which I’m really close with. I’m not particularly close with any of my family members either. I usually don’t talk to them about anything serious infact I’m much more of the joker in my family and circle of friends, always having something silly to say about whatever the topic of discussion is. Everytime I do try and talk to anyone seriously they just don’t seem to get what I’m trying to say or they always try to relate it back to their life which I never see the connection myself. I guess that’s why I’m posting here. The anonymity of the internet and all that. There are three of my friends who do come close. I still wouldn’t consider them close friends but I can carry on a serious conversation with them and I feel I have an understanding with them.

That’s the problem though. Bad things keep happening to these folks. My one friend dropout of high school and is stuck working minimum wage job to support himself and his out of work mom. He started drinking a lot last time I spoke to him and in a pretty bad place. He can’t afford the phone or internet anymore and works constantly. I rarely talk to him unless I see him around town.

The other friend “moved out” even though his parents own the house he lives in, pay for his bills and groceries. He’s always been down too and now has developed a nasty habit for coke. He sits in his house for weeks and weeks and gets high off that stuff. The thing about this guy is he’s almost “evil”. He spends his whole life manipulating and taking advantage of others. Very selfish dude and even tries to take advantage of me but I know where he stands and is usually a couple steps ahead of him. He’s still my friend and I still stand by him.

The other friend came from a very conservative family and spent most of his life very sheltered from everything. That is until me and the dude I described about became friends with him. I realized he had the same outlook as us and he quickly became a very cool friend. I hang out with him the most. But again he’s very down but he stays the most optimistic of all of us.

I felt like I could really relate to these guys which made us all friends. They seemed as lost as I was. Where all my other friends seem to have their shit together. They’re either focused on school and certain on their career path a head, living on their own with a full time job that they enjoy and all the independence in the world, or happily in a relationship who they’re certain going to stay with. My last friend I mentioned was hanging out with me. He told me that he felt that I was in the same boat he was and had the same outlook on things which was rare. I agreed. I felt we were the sane ones in world that’s getting crazier.

Then he gets locked away. Where? In a psych ward. So he’s crazy? This really freaked me out because of those other friends recently got diagnosed with some personality disorder too and is on a ton of pills. Everyone who I could relate to is now being considered crazy. Does this make me crazy? It’s scary to think there is something wrong with me because those people end up getting put in a real bad place in our society. A lot of them end up in the streets or in prison. I’ve been reading a lot about personality disorders and I share quite a few characteristics with a lot of them but I feel like what person wouldn’t? They didn’t seem bizarre to me. So now make matters worse this has been bugging me for almost couple months now.

I need to start figuring things out in my life. I only have one year of college left before I graduate and time seems to be flying by now. Months seem like weeks to me and weeks seem like days. I’ve been trying to decide what I want to do and usually come up short. Career wise? I don’t think it’s relevant, something that pays the bills and that I can stand. I mean, how many people out there actually do what they love? I know I don’t want to get married and have a bunch of kids. I haven’t met a girl that I’ve been interested in out there for quite some time and I think the feeling is mutual. Plus I think I do better flying solo anyways.

Even with drinking I’m not bad with money infact I’ve got a fair little sum saved up. My goal was to graduate and move on with life. I love the city of Toronto. I’ve been there dozens of times and what I love about it is that you can be alone in it but surrounded by people if that makes any sense. I can do what I want and be who I want to be there without the interference of too many folks but the city is so alive and there’s constantly something going on. But Toronto is expensive and even with some money saved up how long will I really last? Rent is going up and jobs are going down.

As much as I love to live in Toronto I don’t know if it would change much because the problem is I don’t know what I want to do and I don’t know who I want to be. I have thought about this for the past few years and haven’t come closer to an answer.

But at any rate, I don’t know what I’m asking. How could you guys possibly give me the answer of what I should do? I have to figure that out. Maybe I’m just looking for guidance or to know I’m not alone. Just know someone read this will help or even if you want to commit saying how I’m a whining bitch and need to stop thinking so much as long as it’s your honest opinion. This is a long read and I don’t blame anyone for not wanting to put the time to read it especially as something as trivial as this.

If you do go through the whole thing and even decide not to post anything I thank you.

my_scatterheart · 05-13-2011, 05:38 AM