Couldn't think of a title

Qui-Bong Jinn · 10-23-2011, 09:25 PM

Not really sure how to go about this, I just feel it'd be nice to just put it somewhere and write it out. I've decided I'm going to give anti-depressants a try, I've been depressed off and on for the past 5 years, and recently (up to now) been depressed for about 3 monthes, I think about suicide/death constantly, and I hate it, I feel like I'd be alright with just disappearing. I don't think I'm a very high risk of doing it though, I could never do that to my family/friends. Mostly I just feel like I'll never really be able to be me, I have an extreme case of ADHD (it's a lot more then just not being able to pay attention, to put it simple, I lack an edit button), I'm constantly having to check myself, fearing that one day I may say something so stupid that my friends will just abandon me, I guess thats what I really am scared of, is being alone with no one to turn to (irrational, I know). I think what began this depression aside from the ADHD, is being bisexual (figured it out when I was 15, and I don't date guys, but it'd just be nice to get it out there, and move on), I remember this one time my mother said to me, bisexuals are freaks who will take sex from anyone, and just thinking of my mom not accepting me, and looking at me as she always has, scares me too. It really sucks being afraid to be 100% who you are, and its just starting to eat away at me, I'm absolutely sick and tired of this shit. I'm extremely irritable all the time, I make big deals out of the smallest things, and its not that I'm an angry person or anything, I just can't stop myself sometimes, it sucks, the worst part about it is that afterwards I realize I fucked up and it just kills me, its like why the fuck would I do that? Even now, I still say things that are ridiculously stupid, and now that I'm more aware of it, its really gets to me.
I'm extremely lonely all the time (I've only had 1 girlfriend), and I feel like I'll never meet that special person (another irrational thought that I can't get out of my head), I'm not very conversational, and even worse at making conversation with women, like if they talk to me first, then yeah, I'll talk to them, and keep trying to talk to them, but I just don't know what to say, I feel like I have to hide behind a mask to keep them talking to me, because I'm not very interesting, which probably isn't true at all, I just haven't found the person that finds me interesting I guess.
School is starting to get to me as well, I love my course and all, its what I want to do with my life, but its just so fucking hard sometimes, I feel like I have no space to breath sometimes, which I really don't at all, if I fail even one course then I'll have to pay for college, because my college fund doesn't kick in until next year, and only if I pass all of my course, which shouldn't be hard, its just sucks not having any room to fuck up.

I think thats it though, can't think of anything else to say. I realize this seems like a whole lot of self pity, and maybe it is, but it feels good to write this out and know that somebody will read it.

HTAM · 10-23-2011, 09:41 PM

Okay.

You decided to talk to us about it.

You're probably going to catch some shit about the AD's.

Go talk to someone like you're planning, if you haven't.

Don't worry about finding "the one", man.

Find a way to release your aggression. Appease your "Gladiator" and the frustration might diminish. It doesn't have to be something sports related, it just has to allow you to let out the Charlie Brown "UUUGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!! " so you can decompress.

Don't be afraid to make fun of yourself is you say something stupid. "I say something totally fuckin' stupid at least once a day, and you just heard it for today."

You need to hang around people with mutual interests.

Hang around with the people you go to school with. You might end up in bed with one of them

Most of all, keep reaching out. Here or wherever.

Sir-Ex · 10-23-2011, 10:23 PM

Well since you're bi-sexual, maybe try getting a boyfriend if you have trouble talking to girls. Maybe that's the source of your agitation. You need to stick in a man-bum.

Whatever you do, don't take the ADs

eldizle · 10-24-2011, 05:45 AM

what's your activity level like? If I don't get enough exercise, I turn into an anxious, mumbling, eventually catatonically depressed lump of jelly on the bed. Bit of hyperbole, but even light exercise (especially if you're not getting any) can really calm down that inner monologue/circular negative thought patterns.

the stuff about your mom not accepting you, that sucks man, but fuck her. live for yourself-live for your integrity-you know you're not some sweaty, aids-ridden, man-whore-so it doesn't matter what anyone else says or thinks.

Live for yourself, not for others' expectations of you.

You should definitely see a counselor to talk about your problems in addition to getting on ad's, if you're dead set on them. I've personally had zero success with ad's, but gained a lot of valuable insights through the good counselors i met.

Screen them. the first one may not be the best one, and in fact likely won't. the thing about talking to a counselor is that you two have to connect. you have to feel comfortable talking about anything to this person-so if you don't think you'll eventually be able to get there with a certain one-move on.

good luck. i've had a lot of mental health problems in the past, and i know how hopeless if can seem at times. keep your chin up-it gets better. you just have to persevere. in the meantime, we'll be here if you need to get anything out, or perhaps if we can help with advice.

Qui-Bong Jinn · 10-25-2011, 05:17 AM

Well, I put some thought into it lastnight, and I don't think I'll be taking any AD's, they do more damage then good anyways. Plus most of them react badly with amphetamines (Adderall, for ADHD).

I might look into getting a counsellor.

Captain Cannabis · 10-25-2011, 12:39 PM

almost everything you described i would think of as relatively normal for someone your age. the thoughts of suicide are concerning and i would have to jump on the "stay away from anti depressants" train until you get that figured out. we have lost people to suicide after they go on ssris from our community because of the small documented chance that the pills will actually increase these thoughts.

you are worried about all kinds of things that are far in the future. you are still living with your parents? this is usually a big source of young people not being able to be the person they actually feel like they are. never change yourself for anyone. you won't attract a (long term) partner until you are satisfied with the person you are. it seems like you have made lots of progress towards figuring it out, but still have a ways to go on the execution. the advice to be a bit more active is definitely helpful. the fact that you wrote it all out is also a great first step. even though we are an anonymous unacquainted group, it can be intimidating to admit anything like this to anyone. so thanks for being brave.

**Mafoo** · 10-25-2011, 10:09 PM

^ this.

man everything youve(OP) said is stuff that has definitely described me at one time or another. im not sure how old you are, but i had some pretty low points between ages 12-even sometimes now at 23. hell earlier this year i was telling my parents i wanted to get a psych exam because i was feeling like i didnt have any control of my life and it was depressing as shit.
also i used to be extremely shy around girls in highschool and it was to the point where people were harrasing me about not kissing and shit like that. that kind of stuff really got to me and only served to make me even more shy, ya know? id try not to worry about it, most of the anxiety in a social situation is self invented. id be willing to bet alot of the people around you arent completely comfortable either.

i think you could really benefit from trying to focus on, and explore, the positive aspects of yourself because youre gonna continue feeling this way until you change something. eldizle is very right about physical activity. even if you just do pushups and situps daily (something i do) it will make you feel good about doing something for yourself. it doesnt have to be powerlifting and trying to pack on pounds of muscle. just a little bit of maintainance on the chasis

(also excersizing muscles increases neurotransmitters like dopamine and serotonin which can also lift your mood)

as far as what you wrote being self pity, i think that is untrue. being you comes from your mind, not your living situation, sexual orientation, what your mom thinks, what jesus did etc... its on you to figure out who you are, its an adventure try and enjoy the scenery of your life.

good luck dude

Sir-Ex · 10-25-2011, 10:34 PM

Hey I didn't know you were bi mafoo..

... if that's the case I'm gonna have to work on becoming more open minded

**Mafoo** · 10-25-2011, 10:36 PM

lol, thanks? im hetero but i remember being so shy with girls that i wondered. never explored that avenue

Sir-Ex · 10-25-2011, 11:06 PM

I just figured you were, because of this: "man everything youve(OP) said is stuff that has definitely described me at one time or another"

**Mafoo** · 10-25-2011, 11:13 PM

keep dreamin

Sir-Ex · 10-25-2011, 11:48 PM

**SageTree** · 10-27-2011, 08:59 AM

Hey Qui,

Without getting too into the details, I think counseling BEFORE considering meds is a great idea.

The Bisexuality seems to bring up 'lack of acceptance' which has led to some self doubt about who are you.... perhaps that is a reason you haven't explored your sexuality more?

'ADHD' seems to also bring this issue forward for you....

This all could lead to a weakened ability to cope with other things... 'feeling frustrated'.

Wanting to 'die' is most likely a reflection of feeling stuck and not knowing what other options there are...

This is why I recommend a counselor. More than anything Acceptance or Accepting who you are is the issue at large... the suicide, why it might be worth bringing up, is just a side effect of that frustration.

If I'm reading that wrong about the 'suicide' please... address this issue quickly.

Another option to consider in addition is find a LGBTQ alliance at your school or in your community, that way you'll meet more people who are like you and you might not feel so alone. This might not lead to you finding a partner... but you'll be with people who are very likely experiencing the same kind of issues.

Thanks for being brave enough to share what is on your mind with us and I hope that something that is said here or above has stoked you into taking action in finding/creating peace in your life.

SageTree

(As you know... my PM box is always open for more private talks)

10-23-2011, 09:25 PM	#1 (permalink)
Qui-Bong Jinn Jedi High Council Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: Kingston, Ontario Posts: 2,135 Thanks: 911 Thanked 501 Times in 372 Posts	Couldn't think of a title Not really sure how to go about this, I just feel it'd be nice to just put it somewhere and write it out. I've decided I'm going to give anti-depressants a try, I've been depressed off and on for the past 5 years, and recently (up to now) been depressed for about 3 monthes, I think about suicide/death constantly, and I hate it, I feel like I'd be alright with just disappearing. I don't think I'm a very high risk of doing it though, I could never do that to my family/friends. Mostly I just feel like I'll never really be able to be me, I have an extreme case of ADHD (it's a lot more then just not being able to pay attention, to put it simple, I lack an edit button), I'm constantly having to check myself, fearing that one day I may say something so stupid that my friends will just abandon me, I guess thats what I really am scared of, is being alone with no one to turn to (irrational, I know). I think what began this depression aside from the ADHD, is being bisexual (figured it out when I was 15, and I don't date guys, but it'd just be nice to get it out there, and move on), I remember this one time my mother said to me, bisexuals are freaks who will take sex from anyone, and just thinking of my mom not accepting me, and looking at me as she always has, scares me too. It really sucks being afraid to be 100% who you are, and its just starting to eat away at me, I'm absolutely sick and tired of this shit. I'm extremely irritable all the time, I make big deals out of the smallest things, and its not that I'm an angry person or anything, I just can't stop myself sometimes, it sucks, the worst part about it is that afterwards I realize I fucked up and it just kills me, its like why the fuck would I do that? Even now, I still say things that are ridiculously stupid, and now that I'm more aware of it, its really gets to me. I'm extremely lonely all the time (I've only had 1 girlfriend), and I feel like I'll never meet that special person (another irrational thought that I can't get out of my head), I'm not very conversational, and even worse at making conversation with women, like if they talk to me first, then yeah, I'll talk to them, and keep trying to talk to them, but I just don't know what to say, I feel like I have to hide behind a mask to keep them talking to me, because I'm not very interesting, which probably isn't true at all, I just haven't found the person that finds me interesting I guess. School is starting to get to me as well, I love my course and all, its what I want to do with my life, but its just so fucking hard sometimes, I feel like I have no space to breath sometimes, which I really don't at all, if I fail even one course then I'll have to pay for college, because my college fund doesn't kick in until next year, and only if I pass all of my course, which shouldn't be hard, its just sucks not having any room to fuck up. I think thats it though, can't think of anything else to say. I realize this seems like a whole lot of self pity, and maybe it is, but it feels good to write this out and know that somebody will read it.

10-23-2011, 10:23 PM	#3 (permalink)
Sir-Ex Learner Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Edmonton, Alberta Posts: 11,416 Thanks: 1,726 Thanked 3,820 Times in 2,258 Posts	Well since you're bi-sexual, maybe try getting a boyfriend if you have trouble talking to girls. Maybe that's the source of your agitation. You need to stick in a man-bum. Whatever you do, don't take the ADs __________________ Smile Ditch the cigs!!!!!!

10-25-2011, 12:39 PM	#6 (permalink)
Captain Cannabis safety word: more Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: m.i.a. Posts: 13,922 Thanks: 2,705 Thanked 3,174 Times in 1,812 Posts	almost everything you described i would think of as relatively normal for someone your age. the thoughts of suicide are concerning and i would have to jump on the "stay away from anti depressants" train until you get that figured out. we have lost people to suicide after they go on ssris from our community because of the small documented chance that the pills will actually increase these thoughts. you are worried about all kinds of things that are far in the future. you are still living with your parents? this is usually a big source of young people not being able to be the person they actually feel like they are. never change yourself for anyone. you won't attract a (long term) partner until you are satisfied with the person you are. it seems like you have made lots of progress towards figuring it out, but still have a ways to go on the execution. the advice to be a bit more active is definitely helpful. the fact that you wrote it all out is also a great first step. even though we are an anonymous unacquainted group, it can be intimidating to admit anything like this to anyone. so thanks for being brave. __________________ fuck the monkeys

10-25-2011, 10:09 PM	#7 (permalink)
Mafoo nice daze Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: the anguish of anticipated transformation Posts: 5,975 Thanks: 3,776 Thanked 2,652 Times in 1,698 Posts	^ this. man everything youve(OP) said is stuff that has definitely described me at one time or another. im not sure how old you are, but i had some pretty low points between ages 12-even sometimes now at 23. hell earlier this year i was telling my parents i wanted to get a psych exam because i was feeling like i didnt have any control of my life and it was depressing as shit. also i used to be extremely shy around girls in highschool and it was to the point where people were harrasing me about not kissing and shit like that. that kind of stuff really got to me and only served to make me even more shy, ya know? id try not to worry about it, most of the anxiety in a social situation is self invented. id be willing to bet alot of the people around you arent completely comfortable either. i think you could really benefit from trying to focus on, and explore, the positive aspects of yourself because youre gonna continue feeling this way until you change something. eldizle is very right about physical activity. even if you just do pushups and situps daily (something i do) it will make you feel good about doing something for yourself. it doesnt have to be powerlifting and trying to pack on pounds of muscle. just a little bit of maintainance on the chasis (also excersizing muscles increases neurotransmitters like dopamine and serotonin which can also lift your mood) as far as what you wrote being self pity, i think that is untrue. being you comes from your mind, not your living situation, sexual orientation, what your mom thinks, what jesus did etc... its on you to figure out who you are, its an adventure try and enjoy the scenery of your life. good luck dude __________________ PLUR For once you have tasted flight you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skywards, for there you have been and there you will long to return

10-25-2011, 10:34 PM	#8 (permalink)
Sir-Ex Learner Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Edmonton, Alberta Posts: 11,416 Thanks: 1,726 Thanked 3,820 Times in 2,258 Posts	Hey I didn't know you were bi mafoo.. ... if that's the case I'm gonna have to work on becoming more open minded __________________ Smile Ditch the cigs!!!!!!

10-23-2011, 09:41 PM	#2 (permalink)
HTAM Old School Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 3,872 Thanks: 2,368 Thanked 2,117 Times in 1,179 Posts	Okay. You decided to talk to us about it. You're probably going to catch some shit about the AD's. Go talk to someone like you're planning, if you haven't. Don't worry about finding "the one", man. Find a way to release your aggression. Appease your "Gladiator" and the frustration might diminish. It doesn't have to be something sports related, it just has to allow you to let out the Charlie Brown "UUUGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!! " so you can decompress. Don't be afraid to make fun of yourself is you say something stupid. "I say something totally fuckin' stupid at least once a day, and you just heard it for today." You need to hang around people with mutual interests. Hang around with the people you go to school with. You might end up in bed with one of them Most of all, keep reaching out. Here or wherever.

10-24-2011, 05:45 AM	#4 (permalink)
eldizle Love. Share it. Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: Inside a Microgram Scale Posts: 5,207 Thanks: 978 Thanked 591 Times in 423 Posts	what's your activity level like? If I don't get enough exercise, I turn into an anxious, mumbling, eventually catatonically depressed lump of jelly on the bed. Bit of hyperbole, but even light exercise (especially if you're not getting any) can really calm down that inner monologue/circular negative thought patterns. the stuff about your mom not accepting you, that sucks man, but fuck her. live for yourself-live for your integrity-you know you're not some sweaty, aids-ridden, man-whore-so it doesn't matter what anyone else says or thinks. Live for yourself, not for others' expectations of you. You should definitely see a counselor to talk about your problems in addition to getting on ad's, if you're dead set on them. I've personally had zero success with ad's, but gained a lot of valuable insights through the good counselors i met. Screen them. the first one may not be the best one, and in fact likely won't. the thing about talking to a counselor is that you two have to connect. you have to feel comfortable talking about anything to this person-so if you don't think you'll eventually be able to get there with a certain one-move on. good luck. i've had a lot of mental health problems in the past, and i know how hopeless if can seem at times. keep your chin up-it gets better. you just have to persevere. in the meantime, we'll be here if you need to get anything out, or perhaps if we can help with advice.

10-25-2011, 05:17 AM	#5 (permalink)
Qui-Bong Jinn Jedi High Council Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: Kingston, Ontario Posts: 2,135 Thanks: 911 Thanked 501 Times in 372 Posts	Well, I put some thought into it lastnight, and I don't think I'll be taking any AD's, they do more damage then good anyways. Plus most of them react badly with amphetamines (Adderall, for ADHD). I might look into getting a counsellor.

10-25-2011, 10:36 PM	#9 (permalink)
Mafoo nice daze Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: the anguish of anticipated transformation Posts: 5,975 Thanks: 3,776 Thanked 2,652 Times in 1,698 Posts	lol, thanks? im hetero but i remember being so shy with girls that i wondered. never explored that avenue __________________ PLUR For once you have tasted flight you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skywards, for there you have been and there you will long to return

10-25-2011, 11:06 PM	#10 (permalink)
Sir-Ex Learner Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Edmonton, Alberta Posts: 11,416 Thanks: 1,726 Thanked 3,820 Times in 2,258 Posts	I just figured you were, because of this: "man everything youve(OP) said is stuff that has definitely described me at one time or another" __________________ Smile Ditch the cigs!!!!!!

10-25-2011, 11:13 PM	#11 (permalink)
Mafoo nice daze Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: the anguish of anticipated transformation Posts: 5,975 Thanks: 3,776 Thanked 2,652 Times in 1,698 Posts	keep dreamin __________________ PLUR For once you have tasted flight you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skywards, for there you have been and there you will long to return

10-25-2011, 11:48 PM	#12 (permalink)
Sir-Ex Learner Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Edmonton, Alberta Posts: 11,416 Thanks: 1,726 Thanked 3,820 Times in 2,258 Posts	__________________ Smile Ditch the cigs!!!!!!

10-27-2011, 08:59 AM	#13 (permalink)
SageTree ~Kalyāṇa-mitrā~ Join Date: Sep 2000 Location: In Love Posts: 23,414 Blog Entries: 26 Thanks: 13,070 Thanked 6,768 Times in 4,664 Posts	Hey Qui, Without getting too into the details, I think counseling BEFORE considering meds is a great idea. The Bisexuality seems to bring up 'lack of acceptance' which has led to some self doubt about who are you.... perhaps that is a reason you haven't explored your sexuality more? 'ADHD' seems to also bring this issue forward for you.... This all could lead to a weakened ability to cope with other things... 'feeling frustrated'. Wanting to 'die' is most likely a reflection of feeling stuck and not knowing what other options there are... This is why I recommend a counselor. More than anything Acceptance or Accepting who you are is the issue at large... the suicide, why it might be worth bringing up, is just a side effect of that frustration. If I'm reading that wrong about the 'suicide' please... address this issue quickly. Another option to consider in addition is find a LGBTQ alliance at your school or in your community, that way you'll meet more people who are like you and you might not feel so alone. This might not lead to you finding a partner... but you'll be with people who are very likely experiencing the same kind of issues. Thanks for being brave enough to share what is on your mind with us and I hope that something that is said here or above has stoked you into taking action in finding/creating peace in your life. SageTree (As you know... my PM box is always open for more private talks) __________________ "What's oppressive is letting your life be confined by old definitions of what everything is." -Zen Meister my_scatterheart YaHooka is.... Cannabis lovers from around the world pulling up a comfy chair, picking up a vaporizer, a bong, a brownie, a pipe, or a joint, getting high, stoned, buzzed or healthy. Uniting our minds in conversation...While Portraying a Positive Image of marijuana and marijuana users to the world. Treat your fellow YaHookans with kindness,respect and tolerance.

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