fenderbender

so im pretty sure that ive been slowly losing my grip on reality.


i have so much more going on in my head at night while dreaming, than i do during my waking life. That's fucking sad isn't it?
I pushed myself away from all friends and left myself alone. I've been to this dark lonely place twice before honestly when i was like 16 after pushing away my first group of friends. I was then saved by my first girlfriend, giving me something in this life to like, look forward to/live for. That obviously blew up in my face as you cant "live for" a girl at 17 lol.


then i visited this blackhole again after getting dumped. Got saved by a group of friends/second girlfriend bout a year later. (ugh typing that out makes it brutally obvious how much of an affect having a gf has on me).


I was happier than ive ever been in my life for a good while after this. Even when i was on my own again for long stretches of time without hanging out with anyone, i was still super happy and more content than i even thought possible. I had gained things to live for such as goals in life and a growing sense of love for all. Plus ive always had a cool family to keep me grounded as well. Studying buddhism a bit helped immensely as well. Buddhism laid out a beautiful idea for a path to take in life and i was/am very determined to take it.



So wtf happened to me?



That last paragraph was only like 2 months ago.


Since then ive fallen into that blackhole. The blackhole has been there for a while, but ive been able to keep myself out of it.
like, ive been going fast enough around the blackhole that ive just remained in orbit around it.
I guess now my life/spacecraft has just slowed down to the point where ive begin to get pulled into the blackhole by its immense gravity. (damn that is a pretty good life analogy)


so yeah, once you get caught in a blackholes pull, Can you get back out of it?


im sure as shit having trouble...


Causes for my life/spaceship malfunction:
-Extreme Laziness
-anti-social behavior
-horrible sleep schedule
-a lazy nonsocial life combined with hallucinogens that reduce the ego lol.
-Learning about ego reducing behavior while living a lazy nonsocial life. (parts of buddhism/quantum phsyics)


---with regards to those last two, i feel as though doing such things while not having enough of a ground to reality has left me kind of lost. It is really hard to explain. Ive seen some of what that "nothingness" can encompas, making this "real" reality less "important". "lol" .
With not enough to tie me to this known reality ive made it much easier to fall away from it.



anyway...


i just CANT seem to beat this laziness. That sounds like such a total bitch thing to say, and believe me i feel like a total idiot douche for being one of those people that has something as stupid and easy as laziness ruin their life lol. Like people have REAL problems etc etc.


But i am one of those people.
idk if whoever is reading this would be surprised of that or not.


Lately ive been asleep more than ive been awake, lonely as fuck, fucking up in school just through like not going-therefor totally fucking with my goals in life that depend on that-therefor in change makes me feel like a total douche cause my goals are about helping people/letting you all down.




i treaded on the edge of the blackhole for too long i guess, cause now my punk ass is being sucked in.


Im at the point where i guess i need someone to help wake me up in the morning cause otherwise id sleep as long as i possibly can and miss the entire day. This makes me feel like a partial retard who cant even handle such basic instinctual shit like waking up/going to sleep lol. damn


And the fact that i have a better time while sleeping than i do awake most days is an utter mindfuck. I didnt even realize my life was that shitty, i had to find out just like this lol.



The shittiest part is i still have all those ideals that i had when i was a happy and content individual, Yet it seems as they are being over-written and fought against by another part of my brain. and the other side is totally winning right now... and i feel like a fucking chump for this b/c i truly want the losing/full of life side to win.
This battle going on in my head is fucking destroying me lol.






so yeah.


Will i turn my life around? Will i be saved by some external force/person? Will i continue to fall into this blackhole until nothing meaningful is left?


idk, tune in next week and find out.


comments of any kind are welcome, as ill be surprised if anyone reads this long ass shit at all lol


How i feel



^real pic btw, not a photoshop. It is a guy freefloating mad far away from the space station. One of my favorite pictures.

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Imagine there's no heaven,It's easy if you try

<3

Mafoo

i can relate, or i could relate at one time.

sounds like a depressed person to me. i think alot of your "lazy" qualities are probably not being helped by depression.

i think step one would be to stop sleeping so much. set an alarm and stick to the schedule. do something right when you wake up in the morning, like walk around the block or anything. your body has natural rhythms and if you are constantly sleeping you will not be in homeostasis, and you can actually make yourself sick, or depressed.

i wouldnt dwell too much on "reducing" your ego with drugs or mediation. i have a feeling you are kind of unfairly faulting this for your current mental state. really try and be more positive, and i think you will eventually change your mind.

what kind of things do you end up doing rather than socializing? can you try and find people who like doing that same activity?

sorry if my tone is weird, theres alot in the OP and id like to be of help if i can

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PLUR
For once you have tasted flight you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skywards, for there you have been and there you will long to return

fenderbender

first off, i dont REALLY fault the drug and meditation thing. I just figured id list it as i could see how it affected me. I didnt fault the actions themselves, but moreso doing them In combination with my lazy antisocial lifestyle.

Those same actions have helped me WAY more then they have hurt me. justsayin...
dont focus on that part.



Mafoo, there is 0 homeostasis in my life. Ive been trying to regulate my sleeping patterns for years now. My sleep schedule has been changing from nocturnal-diurnal back and forth for years. Currently changing almost Daily, which is even worse. There is no nocturnal or diurnal anymore. It is different every night.

This is no doubt the key cause of everything IMO

Im starting to come to the realization that i cannot do this on my own, after years of failing. I like need someone to wake me up each morning or something. At least until it becomes regular.
Makes me feel like fucking retarded to not be able to do such a basic thing.



What do i do when not socializing?
im socializing on the computer, playing video games, and doing school shit.

If it wasnt for school and internet socialization id probably be full on nutso by now. (at the same time this internet socializing has helped fucking destroy my IRL social life)


I could find people to hang out with, that's never been the problem really. It is just that my life is so fucked up sleep/mindset wise i cant bring myself to go hangout with them.


thanks for reading mafoo, and anyone else who reads. Means a lot.

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Imagine there's no heaven,It's easy if you try

<3

Qui-Bong Jinn

Dude, I can totally relate to how you feel, and it sucks man. Not that I have trouble sleeping or anything, well not usually, but the whole laziness, feeling empty inside feeling, I'll think of doing something and just say fuck it and usually just forget about it for a while, mostly happens with eating, cleaning, folding clothes etc. Most everything to be honest. So don't be feeling like you are some douchebag, because there are other people that feel that same way, and we know how much it sucks.
I'm not sure what causes such a feeling for you, but to me, its a feeling of emptiness like you said, not having anything to live for, and the craving for companionship, which I blieve to be quite normal.

Good luck man, I know how you feel, and it sucks, but I'll stick around this thread if you need anything.

Mafoo

main reason i would say not to fault the psychs, is ive kind thought badly about that in the past(when i was depressed) too, but at the end of the day i feel ive opened my mind to numerous positives, and with them have come a few negatives, one of which would be over analyzing things. overall i feel like i personally have benefitted from psychedelic usage, but maybe its not the same for you. it seems we agree on that, so ill set that aside...

maybe you can make plans a week or more in advance to do something fun. doesnt have to be extravagant, just something kind of out of your normal routine. even if its just taking a drive to the next town over or planning on hitting up a farmers market or open mic night at a bar/ coffee shop. having something to look forward to might help you feel more excitement and what not. obviously drinking might not make you better, but i started hitting up dubstep night at a bar everythursday for a while, and i ended up meeting some new people after seeing them there week after week. it kinda just helps when wednesday rolls around im starting to get excited to go out, then thursday comes and its always been fun. i dunno, it kinda just gives you a carrot to dangle on the end of the stick lol.

you say that your life is really fucked up with your sleep and everything, but i dont think that should keep you from doing fun things. fact is everyone is struggling, no one around you has it "all figured out". if they seem like they do, they are probably just a good actor. i know i sound like a fuckin self help guru or something, but i wouldnt even be responding if i didnt think what im saying was helpful for myself at some point in my life.

hope things look up for you. buy a damn alarm clock and put it 30 feet away from your bed

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PLUR
For once you have tasted flight you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skywards, for there you have been and there you will long to return

Mercury

Can't you think of a single reason to get out of bed, fenderbender?

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fenderbender

i can after i wake up merc.

lately, not nearly as much... but i can



the problem is that when i first wake up i feel like a different person. That person doesnt give the slightest shit about anything, and not even the most important of things seems worthwhile. All i want to do is go back to sleep.

I used to think this was more of me just not getting enough sleep n shit, but not anymore.

Even after MUCH more than enough sleep, ill still decide to stay asleep over like going to school or something else important.

that being said, i still dont really have THAT much to look forward to.
-Go to school, go to library to do work/study, come home, smoke weed/play video games/ watch a show, go to bed.

i have possibilities of things to look forward to. Things like what mafoo was talking about.

TBH im an extremely likable person. People have always wanted to hang out with me, some of those people even seem real cool. I COULD hang out with them.


honestly i think im too lazy to do even that.


Mafoo i agree with what you are saying. You are basically saying how the only way to get past the laziness thing is to just get out there and fucking GET PAST IT. just do it kinda shit.
I totally fucking agree, but that is why im so frustrated lol. Ive known that this is all i need to do to be fine for quite a while now...
Yet i just Cant bring myself to fucking do it.


how do you solve a problem, when the solution to the problem is JUST SOLVE THE PROBLEM.

lol like i said in the first post, this makes me feel like such a whiny twat, but shiiit... i guess im a whiny twat b/c laziness is ruining my life lol.

__________________
Imagine there's no heaven,It's easy if you try

<3

adventure

I hear you brother. Are you still in school? I wish I could help more. I know personally exercising really helps me feel positive. It will give you a ton more energy, and that will give you the boost to do things you love, ie college, sports, socializing. Try to stay busy.
Do you have an animal? I hope you find our way out of the black hole my friend, and always remember we are here for you.

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Coming Full Range

eldizle

first off, i'll echo mafoo. stop tripping until you're not as depressed. psyches can have a circular, reinforcing effect that can really lead to some great insights in the good times, but also lead down this same road, of isolation, loneliness, and feeling like you're "losing it"

not to completely fault the psyches, but combing them with a depressed mindset is asking for trouble. I thought I was immune to it for awhile, and I lost a lot of my life to the depression and anxiety and alienation that followed trying to "punch through" to an answer to my discontent.

And you have to stop looking for salvation outside of yourself. You mentioned like three times in your op being saved. Stop that. Only you can pull yourself out of whatever negative path you feel you've been set upon-relying on outside influence is just setting yourself up for more slavery-more dependance.

Even if it's a walk around the block, get out-move your body. I run in place when it's cold and wet.

I feel you fender-i have a very active brain-neurochemically. If I don't exercise and get the chemicals moving, i get anxious and bitchy and depressed really quickly. It will feel useless at first, but you will notice the bad days becoming less and less, and the good filling in that space.

but by all means, stop tripping. Tripping fucks over ALL YOUR ATTEMPTS AT HOMEOSTASIS. You can't alter your neurochemistry that drastically without a period of rest and recuperation, without getting burnt out and suffering.

Take care.

SageTree

Fender, if you need to talk some things out, I'll be on FB more than here over the next several weeks, until January sometime. Keep me post Brother. It sounds like you have a lot on the burner right now.
Take care of yourself.


Maybe start with setting a 'bed time' for yourself and see what a week of sleeping well does for your head for starters.

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The Rev

The thing about depression is, you're never depressed in your dreams, only when you wake up. Makes sleeping really appealing. Make a change in the pattern of your life that is both meaningful and something you can handle. That will help break up the system of habits that's sucking you deeper into your depression. Once there, you will have better perspective on the next course of action.

I would suggest finding a sangha, if you are serious about buddhism. It will get you out of your isolation and in with people. Isolating myself has always been a problem for me when my depression strikes. Having that anchor to the outside world has helped me feel a great deal more stable.

Feel better, bro.



The Rev

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Waves

Dude everyone wakes up from awesome dreams to face their shitty meaningless lives...welcome to being and adult human. Get used to it. Just imagine how much shittier life would be without even the dreams.

You sound like every 18 year old ever. I was saying the same exact shit. Word for word.

The scary part is most people lack even the self awareness to realize the things you are realizing now. What you are experiencing now is the first step towards change. You now have two paths available- the easy one and the hard one. The easy one is easy cuz its boring and miserable. The hard one is hard cuz you are stepping outside of societal norms and actually creating your own path in life. Most people choose the former out of comfort, they would rather be safe and miserable than to take a risk that might lead to happiness. The bottom line though is that you HAVE to take A path in life whether its one you create or whether you allow that path to be dictated to you by society. You cant do nothing. No animals on earth do nothing, everything does something.

Anyway just stick in there man. It gets way better either path you take. Meaning is something you create and assign your own self. It wont exist in your life until you choose it.

Allow yourself to experiment. You are what, 18, and you sound like you have the routine of an 80 year old. Dont just lock yourself into doing the same thing everyday based around going home and smoking. Get out in the world and try a shitload of shit like your supposed to be doing at ypur age. Find something you can be PASSIONATE about, that you would enjoy doing for a profession and use your energy to seek out your goals.

It honestly just sounds like your looking for something to do. Laziness is a symptom, no humans are lazy to the point of just wanting to sleep all the time. Thats not why we exist. Sleep is awesome but its meant to be a respite, not what you look forward to doing. You need something to look forward to bro, and its not that hard to create that for yourself.

Gl man

Waves

Also for what its worth the most imprtant skill i have learned in life is to tell my waking-up self to fuck off as quickly as possible. Waking up sucks but the more you focus on it the worse it becomes. I would go so far as to say that waking up is an art form that requires years of practice as an adult to master. For me it has been. Start drinking copious amounts of coffee too.

adventure

You seem to have a pretty good grasp on what is bothering you. That is great. That is a huge step in fighting your depression. get pissed at your laziness. get out of bed with vigor, jump up and say I am grabbing today by the balls and I am going to make it my bitch. Even if you don't feel that way. I know when I was in middle school, sometimes I would fake being sick. I would be laying on the couch watching TV, acting all sick and shit, and go "wait no one is even home now, I don't need to still be acting sick", I would then actually feel sick. Why can't you do the reverse. Get excited about stuff that you normally wouldn't "fuck yeah I am going to learn so cool shit today in Trig"

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Coming Full Range

~1~

As we are all one and energy can never be destroyed only transformed it would stand to reason that what any one individual feels is more a reflection of the state of the universe than ones reality in a singular form...



You are never truly alone, in your sorrow, in your joy or your pain or even in your madness. We are all piloting this starship my friend.

Once we embrace the fact that we are all headed for the same place, we can get there so don't lose sight and you'll never lose hope.





Fuckin' Hallmark card writer for sure eh?


Hang in fuck nut.

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adventure

And your diet! the expression "you are what you eat" is soo true. planning and paying attention to what you eat will also give you something positive to do.

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Coming Full Range

Waves

OHallmark card? Sounds like u took some mushrooms. Give me some. Now.

Ps i do agree too

Terry

tl;dr

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There must be quite a few things that a hot bath won't cure, but I don't know many of them.

-Sylvia Plath

fenderbender

fucking double thanks to this and the need to start working out advice. I NEED to do both these things so freaking bad.
i have enough trouble getting out of bed, not even counting the fact that i have not an inkling of energy because of the shit food i eat and no exercise.




I couldn't get out of bed again today...

meaning i literally laid in bed until i was so restless that i HAD to get up. ditched everything i needed to do today etc etc.


Right now, last night, and every night... i totally 100% agree with what you guys are saying. I mean like i agree to the point of feeling this super passion/determination to turn my life around.
It lasts until i fall asleep.

i mean like i really dont have too much of a problem with the world or my life (other than the fact that im doing all this sleep BS)...

I cant understand why the world looks so dark to me when i try to wake up.

Upon waking up the world seems pointless, hopeless, and not worth it.... yet a couple hours later i feel 100% the opposite lol. it is so fucked.







And waves like you said, i just gotta learn to tell my morning self to Fuck OFF, but damn that nigga's will is quite strong in the AM lol...
I've given him way too much power.



idk i still feel like a bitch when complaining about this all, but i really REALLY appreciate all your responses gais. Thanks a lot.

I'll be up all night tonight since i slept all day. Got class at 11am.

I plan on asking family to SERIOUSLY help me wake up in the mornings for a bit. Like i've asked before and they always help, but like whatchu gonna do when the morning me is like "Nah it's ok, im just gonna sleep a little more" making up good excuses and shit.

idk we'll see how it goes. I swear im determined as ive ever been in my life even though it looks like the complete opposite. lol

thanks guys <3

__________________
Imagine there's no heaven,It's easy if you try

<3

~1~

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