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Old 05-18-2015, 05:40 PM   #61 (permalink)
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Bondi, I wasn't going to comment in this thread, as I didn't want to lay out all the bad shit that's going on in my life presently. Plus after my son was publicly degraded in another section of YaHooka, I thought it best for me to keep my problems to myself. Seeing that you had the balls to tell people what's happening in your life, you inspired me to do the same.

Yes, my 23 year old son is living with his mom & me. He's so depressed about his life, he's also mentioned he "just wants to go to sleep & not wake up". I'm trying to convince him to speak with a therapist / psychologist / psychiatrist to find out why he's so sad & feels hopelessness 24 / 7...but it's really not that big a mystery. He's constantly seeing his mom gasping for air even with the oxygen hose set at 8 litres (I don't know much about medical stuff, but I heard that's somewhat high). She's dying a slow, agonizing death with the emphysema & pulmonary-fibrosis. It's extremely sad to see happening, but I guess I can deal with it as well as possible. Our son, though, is just now trying to "find himself" & figure out what he wants to do with his life...yet he's bombarded with knowing his mom's clock is winding down...I'm not in the best of health, but hopefully will be around for him for another 15, 20, maybe 30 years (which would put me at 91).

The main sadness is his knowing that mom's on her way to the next phase & all he has for family anymore is me. Who knows when that ticket's punched? He's frightened, feels alone, & isn't sure where to turn if his mom & I were snuffed-out within a close time-frame. He feels like he's missed out on so many high-school functions / escapades by helping me take care of mom. I can deal with the shit that's tossed my way. I just don't want him worrying about "What will become of me after both my folks have departed?" It's a sad situation that has no quick fixes.

He used to be the most light-hearted, funniest & funnest individual I had the pleasure of knowing. Now he's so sad & withdrawn, it breaks my heart. I'm constantly wondering where I lost this kid...what I did wrong. My pals say it wasn't anyone's fault & pretty much told me what fenderbender said. He's going to see a professional about all this & even though he says "No medication!"...if that's what's prescribed, he's going to try it. He's gotta try something!

Anyhow Bondi, just wanted to let ya know that you're not alone in this & hopefully we can get our kids back-on-track to being happy, content, & productive with their lives. This was very hard for me to write, as I know I just left myself wide-open for insults. Best of luck to you & your family. You seem like a good guy who'll work through this.
Whoa dude that's harsh. Sorry for being a dick earlier. Hope everything gets better.
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Old 07-01-2015, 03:37 PM   #62 (permalink)
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Just when I think that my son's getting a little happier about 'life', he slides further down the ladder of his mindset. This is all like a yo-yo. 1 day, he'll be okay...telling funny stories...laughing, smiling, talkative. The next day, he's so sure that he'll never amount to dogshit...why was I even born?...I'm nothing but a failure & a disappointment to you & mom...the world would be better off if I was never born, etc.
This is all so sad...it breaks my heart seeing him so miserable with everything. Nothing seems to make him happy anymore. I'm at my wit's end. I guess certain types of depression are like that. 1 day, on top of the world...the next day, wanting to be dead. My heart aches...I mean that literally. I'm starting to experience wicked chest pains, but I don't let on. The last thing he needs is worrying about something else.
I hate even writing about any of this, as I don't want others thinking I'm just looking for sympathy. That's the 1 thing I cannot stand...people who are always looking for sympathy. Well, that's about it...just wanted to keep you updated on the latest saga called 'The Golden Years'. I just hope when you peeps are retired & living your lives on a more laidback schedule...you can find happiness with the time you have left. If so, God Bless...& let me know how you did it. I sure as hell can't figure it out.
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Old 07-01-2015, 04:10 PM   #63 (permalink)
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He sounds like he's having manic episodes..
Bipolar maybe?

Just saying.. Because I am bipolar and deal with the same thing. I have to take meds to keep my moods on an even level. They work.

I used to be up and down like a roller coaster and didn't know what the hell was wrong.. It sucked. Sad then happy overly.. Inspired!!

Just a thought.
There's help for it.. It's hell if that's what he has.
But there is light at the end of the tunnel.
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Old 07-01-2015, 05:24 PM   #64 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by turmaline View Post
He sounds like he's having manic episodes..
Bipolar maybe?

Just saying.. Because I am bipolar and deal with the same thing. I have to take meds to keep my moods on an even level. They work.

I used to be up and down like a roller coaster and didn't know what the hell was wrong.. It sucked. Sad then happy overly.. Inspired!!

Just a thought.
There's help for it.. It's hell if that's what he has.
But there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Thanks turm...& you hit the nail square on the head!

I just gotta convince him that all meds for his 'problem' aren't bad. He's been reading the horror stories that people say about anti-depressants & is convinced they are all terrible for you...that the side-effects reek havoc on the head...so on & so on.
I try to tell him that there are medicines that really do help, but trying to convince his stubborn ass of that is another matter. Gee, I wonder where he gets that stubborness from?
I haven't given up on the poor kid, as I know the hell he must be going through at this point in his life. He sees his mom & has completely convinced himself that I'm at death's door as well. I'm the type that never lets on how I feel, so he immediately assumes that with me turning 61 in a month, I'm kickin' off any minute now.
I'm so sad for the kid...I just wish I could convince him that I'm not going anywhere (as long as my heart holds out) & will be here for him another 20-30 yrs (probably why he's so sad). I never let on how I'm feeling healthwise, so I wish he'd get it outta his noggin that my death clock's alarm is about to go off.
Anyhow, thanks so much for your input, turmaline...I just need to convince him that all 'head meds' aren't killers. Fuckin Internet!!...t here's just way too much info for these youngsters to get hung up on. Back when I was his age, we didn't know shit from shine-ola & I think in a lot of ways, that was better for all of us. Too much info before a person needs to know it, can really backfire on ya.
Thanks again, turmaline.
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Old 07-01-2015, 07:02 PM   #65 (permalink)
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Yes.
Bipolar disorder is different than depression. You don't go on anti depressants. I'm type 2 bipolar.. It's a mood disorder. My meds just stabilize my moods so I'm not up and down. Highs and lows are gone.. I'm just normal.. As in I am happy and sad but not to the point whet I think I can save the world it i want to jump in front of a train all in a 24 hour span.
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Old 07-01-2015, 07:49 PM   #66 (permalink)
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Have you always been bipolar, turm? Or do you think it was caused by something that happened in your life, perhaps a traumatic event? Or maybe something that onset genetically during puberty or something?


If I'm not being too personal.
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Old 07-01-2015, 08:11 PM   #67 (permalink)
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I don't know.
All I know is that the meds help.
I started having fits of rage as a small child, but I was exposed to violence and emotional abuse.
I believe it's a product of the environment I was brought up in.
I am still here in this environment.. Living with my parents.. Trying to get back on my feet where all that shit happened.. My dad is a miserable bastard and although we don't physically fight and I don't get my face punched in.. I still am here.
I have resentments.

I am learning..
To not have expectations of them.
They are also sick.
I am forgiving.
I don't have to accept the behaviour..
I am forgiveable.

I don't know if I could do it without the meds.. I'm on the lowest dose.

The rage comes fast.
I won't be here at this house too much longer.. Maybe a month if my plan works.
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Old 07-01-2015, 08:12 PM   #68 (permalink)
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I'm fine as long as I'm not around mean people.
I was diagnosed bipolar at the end of my marriage.
I always regret posting this stuff but I said it.

My life is pretty good.. I just talk a lot.
No pity part here.
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Last edited by turmaline; 07-01-2015 at 09:17 PM.
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Old 07-01-2015, 10:15 PM   #69 (permalink)
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I hope you don't think I was ever abusive to my son. Never!! Not in a million years could I ever abuse anyone in my family. I would give my life if it meant my son would have a happy life & be happy once again. We're the best of friends. Maybe I was too lenient...I don't know...I wish I did know, so I could get him to see a therapist. He just says he'll "work through it".
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Old 07-01-2015, 10:25 PM   #70 (permalink)
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I don't think anyone here is judging you turm, so don't worry about talking about it.

I was wondering because you would be the 3rd Aquarius I know who has bipolar (I doubt the sign has anything to do with it, but it's an interesting thing to note), and I thought maybe there was some kind of correlation. As it would happen, both of them had volatile relationships with their parents too.
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Old 07-01-2015, 11:17 PM   #71 (permalink)
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they say that these types of conditions start to dominate as a woman reaches her '40's.
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Old 07-02-2015, 07:52 AM   #72 (permalink)
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I hope you don't think I was ever abusive to my son. Never!! Not in a million years could I ever abuse anyone in my family. I would give my life if it meant my son would have a happy life & be happy once again. We're the best of friends. Maybe I was too lenient...I don't know...I wish I did know, so I could get him to see a therapist. He just says he'll "work through it".
No.. Was just answering the question..
Everyone is different.
Lol Bondi.
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Old 07-02-2015, 04:13 PM   #73 (permalink)
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Was he like this at all before it really started up in recent times with his mom falling ill?
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Old 07-02-2015, 11:11 PM   #74 (permalink)
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Was he like this at all before it really started up in recent times with his mom falling ill?

A little bit, but not nearly as much as now. Plus he's so worried about his future & what he's going to do for a living. For some reason, he thinks that if you don't have a career that pays 6 figures annually, that he's a total failure.
He sees these 'youngsters' that are either dot com millionaires, young entertainers, 20-something executroids, etc. & he doesn't have a game plan. 'Life' for young people must have really changed from when I was 20-something. We didn't give a rat's ass what we were going to do for a living, as long as we were enjoying ourselves. He sees these overnight You Tube sensations, dipshits like Bieber & Miley driving Lambos & living in MTV cribs & he thinks he's washed-up at age 24.
I try to tell him that he'll be going through a bunch of different phases in this life, but he remains unconvinced. I blame myself for not being more stern as a dad & less of a buddy (the little guy didn't come with any directions when he was born, so I just winged it). I was determined that we'd have a good relationship...nothi ng like my dad & me. My dad was 100% business & traveled weekly as a Consulting Engineer, making some righteous bucks...but the 2 of us never really bonded. I wanted my son & I to have a close relationship...where he could talk to me about anything that was on his mind.
I think I went too much of a buddy to him & should've been more of a role model (I can barely say that with a straight face...me a role model?). I didn't let him get away with murder & was somewhat of a guide for him, but I never worried about what I was going to do for a living. Things just seemed to work out & the 9 to 5 lifestyle wasn't for me. I try telling him that he'll go through a bunch of different changes depending on what age bracket he's in...but it's like NOW NOW NOW!!
Maybe if I was more like my dad it might've turned out better for him & we could just say "Hi" passing in the hall. I really don't have a clue, as I let him know who's boss, but we could be pals even though he had to do what I told him...& he did. He was very obedient...a really good kid. He's just got this misconception that if you don't have a 7-figure bank account by the time you're 30, you're pretty much a total loser.
Everyone tells me it's the damn Internet & this 'instant gratification' that's supposedly so prevalent nowadays, but I don't like to pass the buck & feel I must've fucked up somewhere along the line. I really do appreciate everyone's support...with my wife dying, my son so sad about everything. The Golden Years are far from golden. I'm trying to convince him to see a therapist, but at age 24, I can't force him...& there's no way in hell that I'd throw him outta the house. The poor kid has 0 street smarts, where by age 24, I had been cross-country 3 times & deep into Mexico, running weed from Tucson to Chicago...having mini-adventures & escapades...hanging with outlaws & smugglers & distributors. He'd be dead in a month.
I just don't know anymore.
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Old 07-31-2015, 02:31 PM   #75 (permalink)
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Zoltron, this is just my opinion & I could be wrong, but I think you've been an excellent father. I don't think you fucked up, I think you did the best you could. I would love to have had a father like you.

That being said, I think if your son is living in your house, age 24 or no, you do what's best for him, whether he likes it or not. Your house, your rules, your way. Sometimes, you have to get tough-love on their asses. Again, just my opinion.
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Old 07-31-2015, 10:13 PM   #76 (permalink)
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Zoltron, this is just my opinion & I could be wrong, but I think you've been an excellent father. I don't think you fucked up, I think you did the best you could. I would love to have had a father like you.

That being said, I think if your son is living in your house, age 24 or no, you do what's best for him, whether he likes it or not. Your house, your rules, your way. Sometimes, you have to get tough-love on their asses. Again, just my opinion.

Hiya HH...good to see you around again. I very much appreciate your post (opinion), but I don't think you have a full grasp on the situation. 1st off, he's a tremendous help around this huge house (2600 sq ft) & does the vacuuming, dusting, cooking, yardwork, cleans the roof & gutters from all the damn pine-needles & pine-cones were bombarded with, helps take his mom to dr. appts. when I can't. There's mo way I could handle all the housework on my own with my spinal-stenosis. Sweeping is 1 of the most painful chores (even though it doesn't sound like it would be, but my doc said that constant twisting & turning is murder on my spine) & vacuuming? Holy shit! That is extremely difficult for me anymore.

It's not like he doesn't pull his weight around the house & he isn't trying to just get a 'free ride' without reciprocating. He just doesn't want to be around people, he's afraid to even answer the door or phone (but will if necessary)...plus I can't throw him out to live behind some dumpster. I wouldn't be able to face my own self. Who could treat such a good kid that way? I've got him into therapy now & he's going to start medication (even though he was dead-set against pills), as the psychiatrist said that his brain needs to be kinda 're-wired' or that it's like he needs a tune-up or something. If it gets him back to being a happy person once again, I'm all for it. It's not a life sentence on drugs, but just until his head gets back into his old self.

So, he's not just a bum living under my roof. He carries his own weight around here & then some. What type of 'tough love' are you referring to? He's been approved for SSI, so we could get him to a doctor & now he even gets a check to help with the bills. He doesn't want to make SSI his career. He just needs it long enough to get back to feeling happy...get his gusto for life back...then when he's back to his old self, he'll get a job & be meeting people, find some chick to date, gain some friends, & be back in the saddle again (good name for a song ).

So, what was / is your definition of 'tough love'? Toss him out? That would just hurt his mom, who depends on him for numerous chores/errands/help/housework. Me? He helps (actually does it all) with the yardwork & getting on the roof to keep it clean, as we have pine trees down here galore. I can't walk that slant on the roof...another back killer...so he does the gutters, roof, driveway, shed...takes care of so many things around here. If you have some 'tough love' ideas, please lay them on me...by all means.

I'm not getting any younger, as I just turned 61 an hour ago. When my wife passes away, it'll just be him & me & that's all the family we have. We gotta take care of 1 another...especially taking care of his mom for now. She's living on borrowed time, as not many emphysema patients make it as long as she has...but she's too ornery to leave this phase right now. She wants to see her son return to his old self & I think we've started down the right path now.

In all seriousness, what kinda 'tough love' do you think I should do? Btw, thanks for saying that I didn't fuck up as a dad. It's just hard for me to accept right now.
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Old 08-01-2015, 12:17 AM   #77 (permalink)
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I don't mean to be.. Mean or .. Just being real for a moment.
Will he be able to look after himself independently after everyone's gone?
Like live on his own?
That's a plan he needs to be prepared for.
It's hard when you've had your parents with you your whole life.. Helping you out..
I know.. My parents are the biggest enablers ever.

Not saying you are.. Just saying..
Something to think about.
For your son.
Nothing more uplifting than independence.
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Old 08-01-2015, 01:42 AM   #78 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by turmaline View Post
I don't mean to be.. Mean or .. Just being real for a moment.
Will he be able to look after himself independently after everyone's gone?
Like live on his own?
That's a plan he needs to be prepared for.
It's hard when you've had your parents with you your whole life.. Helping you out..
I know.. My parents are the biggest enablers ever.

Not saying you are.. Just saying..
Something to think about.
For your son.
Nothing more uplifting than independence.

Not at all 'mean', turm...you make a great point.

We are extremely concerned about what's going to become of him after my wife & I are compost heaps.

1 accomplishment at a time. He just started therapy...will be starting medication...& hopefully, end up a productive member of society. I pray he's not 'stuck' in his current mind-set & 1 day be the old carefree, great sense-of-humor dude he once was.

I think once he gains his self-confidence, he'll be OK. He can take care of himself pretty easily...will just need a source of income. He'll inherit about $250,000...so I hope that will set him up temporarily.
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Old 08-01-2015, 07:27 AM   #79 (permalink)
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Zoltron, in NO way did I mean to imply that you should toss him out or that he doesn't pull his weight around the house. You raised him better than that. I apologize if what I said came off that way.

What I meant to say was more along the lines of what Turmaline said. Thanks, Turm.
For example, if you thought he had diabetes, you'd make sure he got treatment, whether he wanted to or not, because that would be the right thing to do. That kind of tough love.

I'm glad he's started therapy & medication. It sounds like it's needed.
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Old 08-01-2015, 09:39 AM   #80 (permalink)
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Double H, I didn' t mean to sound so rude or unappreciative. When I hear 'tough love', I'm always under the impression that's meant as sort of washing your hands of the situation & saying, "Good luck, pal, I did my end & now it's up to you to get your shit together!"

Both my wife & I are hoping with continued therapy, he'll snap outta this deep funk his mind has gotten into & that with continued medication, he'll return to normal.

Believe me, it does concern us about what will happen to him when we're both dead & gone. We're hoping this mind-set he's currently in will be temporary. Plus he'll inherit this house, can sell it for a nice chunk of change, buy himself a much smaller home outright to keep a roof over his head.

I'm really feeling my age lately.
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