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Old 09-16-2015, 04:35 PM   #1 (permalink)
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being diagnosed with depression is more confusing

I'm not a regular but I've been lurking here since something like 2008 or something crazy like that. A lot of you are really funny, interesting, cool and relatable people.

Ever since grade school I've felt very sad, angry and lonely. A couple years after high school I tried hanging myself but backed out. I still feel a lot of shame from that. Not for attempting or maybe from attempting I don't know. But not having the courage to go through with it. They say it's the cowards way out but going through it you gotta be so certain, 100% certain, that it's your best option. My parents freaked obviously. I did a three day say in a mental ward where I mostly just slept. They said I had depression, gave me a bunch of meds, told me if I didn't socialize I'd have to stay longer but most of the other patients seemed really strange or would just yell at me.

I started drinking a lot and using cocaine and percs. It seemed to help in the short run. I moved out of my parents place into low income housing where I started drinking more and started to smoke crack and meth. Got in about a dozen street fights,got robbed a couple times, started seeing hookers, got arrested half a dozen times, lost my job due to drinking and drugs.

I got a new job, started going to therapy, switched meds, been clean of drugs for over a year now, Stopped drinking and driving, stopped drinking at work. The problem is I'm still ridden with guilt, shame, sadness, rage and lonliness every single day. They say I have depression some chemical imbalance in my head that I have no control over. Just take meds and go to therapy. I'm basically a rabid dog. What do you do with rabid dog? You put it down.

I just want control over my emotions. Meds and therapy don't seem to be working even though I really like my doctor and my therapist. Drinking helps short term but hurts the long run. I get 2-3 hours a sleep a night. I feel like I've completely lost my mind. I don't know what I'm asking maybe just how do I stop feeling insane. I can't get a hold of my thoughts it just feels like constant screaming and crying in my head. I worried if I tell anyone I have suicidal thoughts I'll get locked back in that mental ward. Sleeping helps but I can't any and seroquel just makes me feel tired when I wake up.

I know probably some of you have mental illnesses. How do you keep pushing through even though your feelings are always fighting you back?
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Old 09-16-2015, 04:42 PM   #2 (permalink)
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well for one i have noticed your posts for a long time and you seem like a kewl dewd.

Other than that i say change therapists if that one really isnt helping you and tell them that the last time it just made you fall in to the same old cycles.

i am not a doctor. just a guy who drinks too much works too much and eats pork tenderloins twice a week.
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Old 09-16-2015, 07:02 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Geeno, you need to stop eating swine, man. A pig's a filthy animal.

Reggie, I know a thing or two about depression and feeling suicidal. I know about sad, angry and screaming in my head, too. I have an anxiety fueled depression. I call it Asshole Depression (as opposed to the bouncing Zoloft ball kind, Sad Depression), because it makes me irritable and overwhelmed, and I tend to be a dick to people who push me when it's acting up. Shit's like the weather. Some days are good, some days are bad. It's hard to find comfort in the knowledge that it's just a bad day when things are bad.

Getting that shit under control is your first priority, of course. Talk to your therapist about the problems that you're having, obviously. Keep trying meds until you find a regimen that works for you. Exercise has helped me, and so has meditation. Learning not to blame myself for my feelings (I don't believe in Free Will, and giving up that idea helped the problem thinking side of the equation enormously), and shutting down the constant attempts to think my way out of it, have been important gains for me as well.

Everyone has their own shitty path to walk with this disease. Learning to let go of shit helps, and so does the right medication. A good diet and exercise routine is also important. You can't downplay the value of good physical health where good mental health is concerned.

If you wanna PM me, I encourage you to do so. I will try to help as much as I can. Talk isn't usually worth much with something like depression, but being understood and having someone to listen can really help.

Much love, man.



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Old 09-17-2015, 02:01 AM   #4 (permalink)
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I'm not sure what I can add that's not already been said, except to again say that it's really important to take care of your body. Good food and exercise, maybe some vitamins. Anti-depressants can be like a crap shoot, you gotta keep at it, til you find the one that helps. It's a good thing that you like your doctor and therapist. You gotta find a way to sleep.

One thing I've always found useful is to help others. It takes me out of myself and doing good deeds just feels good.

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Old 09-17-2015, 03:57 AM   #5 (permalink)
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half of the people in the western world are diagnosed with depression, so you are in good company. I would check to see how much of the depression is 'environmental' and possibly consider changing environment before taking medication.

no amount of pills and therapy will change the fact that 'your life sucks'. change your life, that may help.
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Old 09-17-2015, 01:54 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Fellow dr. diagnosed Depressed person here.

I can say that it's super weird & awkward to have to explain to someone "not to worry" but I don't feel like existing. There really is no easy or normal way to express some of your thoughts to others because to most other people they aren't normal.

I will say, keep seeing your dr/therapist. You also aren't bound to just one, there are many out there so find one that works for you. What has helped me at times is to have a "thing" that I do. Some may call their "things" a hobby, or some may call it a Netflix marathon. Whatever it is, it's a mini escape from reality that isn't drugs and may even benefit you in the long run.

Also quit the alcohol for a little while, it may help. It did for me. And I'm going on 3 years soon.
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Old 09-17-2015, 03:11 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Thank you to everyone who has responded. Living healthy is definitely important. That's something definitely I'm working on and need to get better at. During college I worked out five days a week and I've cut off a lot of junk food and fast food from my diet. Ever since I started working full time a part time job on weekends on my days off I usually just want to play video games or watch netflix. It's not excuse just feeling tired I should still try making some time to work out and cook a good meal.

The whole environmental thing is a good point too. I moved out of the low income drug housing I lived before into my dad's house but it just made me feel like a loser moving back home after being out on my own and just ended up getting drunk in the basement. My parents are also going through a divorce and it's kind of hard hearing them trash each other even though I've asked them not to. But plus trying to spend equal time with both of them is a little bit exhausting. They've both been very supportive of what I'm going through and I can talk to them but it seems to be difficult for them to understand sometimes.

I live alone right now in a pretty cool apartment but it gets pretty lonely at times. I was hoping to move in with friends but it didn't really work out.

Drinking has had it's up and down. I've gone to a couple AA meetings and everyone was very welcoming but I felt really out of place. I take a week off there. A week off here. I just up feeling bored, lonely and depressed the whole time. The worst part is I've always had really bad insomnia and drinking helps so much. Going to sleep sober I get maybe 4 hours asleep. It's amazing how a vice can turn into a trait. It's weird not drinking in social situations because I've always been "the wild party animal" amongst my friends and it's hard dating without drinking. I feel without it I have never really to offer.
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Old 09-17-2015, 03:26 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Do you have any specific goals in your life that extend beyond the label of 'self improvement'?
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Old 09-17-2015, 03:47 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Sometimes I imagine people in my life doing Robert deniro impressions or talk like hulk hogan when I need to feel good in a pinch
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Old 09-18-2015, 06:07 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by reggiedrugs View Post
Thank you to everyone who has responded. Living healthy is definitely important. That's something definitely I'm working on and need to get better at. During college I worked out five days a week and I've cut off a lot of junk food and fast food from my diet. Ever since I started working full time a part time job on weekends on my days off I usually just want to play video games or watch netflix. It's not excuse just feeling tired I should still try making some time to work out and cook a good meal.

The whole environmental thing is a good point too. I moved out of the low income drug housing I lived before into my dad's house but it just made me feel like a loser moving back home after being out on my own and just ended up getting drunk in the basement. My parents are also going through a divorce and it's kind of hard hearing them trash each other even though I've asked them not to. But plus trying to spend equal time with both of them is a little bit exhausting. They've both been very supportive of what I'm going through and I can talk to them but it seems to be difficult for them to understand sometimes.

I live alone right now in a pretty cool apartment but it gets pretty lonely at times. I was hoping to move in with friends but it didn't really work out.

Drinking has had it's up and down. I've gone to a couple AA meetings and everyone was very welcoming but I felt really out of place. I take a week off there. A week off here. I just up feeling bored, lonely and depressed the whole time. The worst part is I've always had really bad insomnia and drinking helps so much. Going to sleep sober I get maybe 4 hours asleep. It's amazing how a vice can turn into a trait. It's weird not drinking in social situations because I've always been "the wild party animal" amongst my friends and it's hard dating without drinking. I feel without it I have never really to offer.
Don't kid yourself about drinking curing insomnia. I'm sure if you didn't drink your insomnia would eventually go away. If you must drink to survive then you should try to also include the good shit you use to do, like working out 5 times a week and eating healthy. If you have time for bullshit video games you have time to work out. It doesn't sound like you are an all day long drunk who can't function. Make drinking a reward for doing all the shit you planned to do for the day. You'll find you won't have enough time to be a drunk but you might be able to still enjoy having a few drinks and maintaining a stable life. I do this with pot and have for 40+ years plus I enjoy drinking beer in a moderate fashion. People can be functioning members of society and still get fucked up. I've lived it.
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Old 09-19-2015, 06:55 AM   #11 (permalink)
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I was diagnosed depression about 20 years ago. Big problem was, the 'medicine' made it worse.

Actually, I cannot remember ever not being depressed. Like seriously, since I was 4 years old, maybe earlier. (<- I started school-kindergarten-when I was 4, I do remember before school)

-c-
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Old 09-19-2015, 08:59 AM   #12 (permalink)
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At the very least, like someone else said, you are not alone in your struggle.
Shit, what you are dealing with just about everyone is also dealing with as well. They just handle it differently, with some methods being more successful at fending off the depression and "lost" feelings than others.

Drugs are definitely not a successful path to take.

But yeah man, as someone dealing with a similar enough life, my advice is this:

You need to find some productive and fulfilling hobbies n shit.
Gotta start doing something with your life. Something more than just working.

What are some things you'd want to do in life?
Think about it.
If you dont know, well than trial and error that shit.

Also, international travel is never a bad idea. You can get a flight to just about anywhere in the world for 2k or under.

And to each their own, but buddhism really helped me find some meaning in life and to cope with the BS. Even if just a few cherry picked concepts. Pm me about it if you want.
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Old 09-19-2015, 09:02 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Mm and exercise.

The value of exercise can't be overstated.
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Old 09-19-2015, 10:25 AM   #14 (permalink)
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And blowjobs.
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Old 09-22-2015, 01:42 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Yeah I agree with everyone saying you're not alone. I think being a little fucked in the head is a prerequisite for being a yahookan.

That said, there is no universal solution for unhappiness. Personally, I can envision a perfect world where i am happy all the time. And I think (hope?) that it's an obtainable reality that can be achieved through mental and professional diligence as well as the support of my peers.

What I'm getting at is that even when its really dark things can get better.

Good to see you around the 'hookah man.
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