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Old 01-21-2016, 12:16 PM   #21 (permalink)
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I've never had anyone that's very close to me die yet, so I can't relate. But I know a little about loss and I think it is something that becomes part of who you are. It's an experience like any other, and it does its part in shaping you.

So I hope that you are able to find out ways to have this part of you shape your future self in a good way.
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Old 01-21-2016, 02:23 PM   #22 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by The Rev View Post
Reverie's emotional Kung Fu is powerful.

The Rev
I try.

Or I'd have panic attacks way too often.
"The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in."
-Jelaluddin Rumi

"Not self-wrought is this puppet form,
Nor other-wrought this mass of woe;
Condition-based it comes to be
Condition-ceased it endeth, lo."
-Sister Sela

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Old 01-21-2016, 05:12 PM   #23 (permalink)
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So sorry Fender...this is something you will experience more and more as you get older...and as my mom said, "The older you get the more people you know that die for some reason or the other". It don't get easy, you just have to think of the good things, the good times, what you liked about them, why you cared for them...

I still think about my grandmother who passed in 2014 and my grandfather who passed in 2001, if I let it hurt, it will, so I change my feelings by thinking about something good or funny I remembered about them. I hope this helps...

and I have never cared what people think of me, as far as a man hugging a man
sometimes you need it... so here's (((hugs))) to you.
"Nobody thinks the way that I do, I guess nobody dares. My head's so full of things, I set my mind free of them. I'm breaking the rules, breaking all the rules. " -Ozzy Osbourne
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Old 01-21-2016, 10:20 PM   #24 (permalink)
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I'm really sorry for your loss fender, I'm at a loss for words.

It's not much but if you ever want feel free to shoot me a PM if you want to vent or talk.

I think we've struggled through similar demons and there some things maybe I can relate to, but I'm sure there's others I can't but I still want to tell you I'm here for you.

We all are. We love you.
RIP Budforce
RIP BurnerOfTrees

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Old 01-22-2016, 08:59 PM   #25 (permalink)
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Guys i just want to say thanks, and that i love you all a tremendous amount.

I know you guys and girls are there for me, just like you always have been. Im beyond grateful.

Unfortunately typing shit out just doesnt really cut it at this point you know?
I mean, ive talked about shit with some of you and it definitely has helped a bunch... But like it is only to a point.
It's also like how ive thought about and analyzed all this shit in my head for countless hours, and that too has helped me immensely, helping me become very aware of my own emotions and handling them and move on a bit... But like if i start to talk about it out loud it is like it all immediately becomes super raw and i crack and feel like bawling my eyes out.

What im getting at is that i no doubt need to talk with someone in person.

I have no friends.
I could make friends if i tried... But like not good enough or quick enough to fucking break down in front of.

As for therapy... Idk same kind of thing really. Ive seen a person or two and they were cool and all and they helped me at the time... But it was more so just helping me get my shit together a bit back when i really wasnt doing so hot. It was more like ways to change my behavior. We didn't really get into the emotional baggage shit, nor would i even feel comfortable enough to, like i said before, break down in front of them.
I know there are other types of therapists and i may gel better with others etc etc, but i really think the same would hold true.
Not to mention i just inherently find something very off putting about paying someone to listen to me talk. Plus my story would take multiple hours to really get into tbh. Blah blah.

I definitely think therapy could help me with things, but just not what im exactly looking for right this moment, which is basically just a mega-vent breakdown, and some sympathy and love in return. Plus hugs.

All i want is just a good friend to talk with, cry in front of, and hugs/love.

It also probably doesnt help that im brutallt starved of affection and love in general... Which for a person like myself with so much love to give... Is pretty emotionally devastating in it self.
I mean in the past 4 years i can.probably count the non family hugs received on one or two hands, let alone any real intimacy.

There is one girl i was seeing kinda for a little bit recently, tho never had sex, but that little bit of affection was powerful as fuck for me. Shit melted my heart with even a hug.
We drifted a part for various reasons, but i could prob reconnect with her(maybe), or surely find another girl(has never been a problem for me when i try or let it happen), but i feel like im just too emotionally fucked and will break down on them lol. It sucks cause i was just getting ready after years of shittiness(was seeing that girl and feeling good about it), but then just recently the girls death just fucked me up again.

Idk i just want a friend and to cry dont know what to do.

Last edited by fenderbender; 01-22-2016 at 09:27 PM.
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Old 01-22-2016, 09:06 PM   #26 (permalink)
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Bro hug *hug*

Originally Posted by TheSmeg
a thick, cheeselike, sebaceous secretion that collects beneath the foreskin or around the clitoris.

1810–20; < Latin < Greek smęgma unguent, soap, cleansing medicine
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