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Old 11-27-2015, 08:50 PM   #1 (permalink)
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:(

So earlier tonight i found out my ex gf died sometime earlier this week.
I think od on opiates. Not sure if intentional or not. Guess i wont ever know. She was heavily suicidal when i knew her. Idk. Doesnt matter now i guess.

She was the last girl i loved. Havent even been with another girl since even though it has been years. Took me years to get over her. Finally did. Now it feels like it was yesterday.

Dude i still have a fucking tattoo of a fucking ring on my finger for this girl.

Severely mentally damaged but she was definitely the coolest person ive ever met.

Our relationship is the single most influential aspect of my life. It made me who i currently am.

I missed the chance to talk to her again.

Idk.

I dont even have a friend right now to get a hug from.

Im fucking sad yahooka.
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Old 11-27-2015, 09:08 PM   #2 (permalink)
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It wasnt her first time, but she really started using opiates with me.

Shot up her first time during the super depressing clusterfuck that was our breakup/abortion nightmare.

It took me years to get past this man...
It feels so fucking fresh now. Like yesterday. Fuckkkkkkk
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Old 11-27-2015, 09:32 PM   #3 (permalink)
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I cant even fathom the feelings you must be experiencing right now.
I'm so sorry this tragedy happened, Bend.

Maybe you can find some counseling out there? Talking would be really helpful.<3
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Old 11-27-2015, 09:42 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Wish I was there for you.
Crying is good..
I'm sorry this has happened.. I don't know what to say really..
This is shitty.
Don't think too much..
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Old 11-28-2015, 01:47 AM   #5 (permalink)
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I'm so sorry for your loss. Much love.
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Old 11-28-2015, 02:37 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Don't blame yourself. I know you say she started in heavy with opiates when you guys were together, but shit's gotta happen the way it happens. If anything, what you had made life better for her, not worse. Nothing better for inner pain than love. I feel for you, tho, man. That would rip me out a whole new one.



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Old 11-28-2015, 04:28 AM   #7 (permalink)
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sorry to hear it dude, was this the legendary one you had a thread about here a couple of years back?
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Old 11-28-2015, 05:51 AM   #8 (permalink)
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You're a good man, fender. And that's not something to be said for just anybody. I'm only a couple hours away in the city if you need anything. Here for you, dude.
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Old 01-20-2016, 10:23 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Guys i can still barely wrap my head around it all.

Any time i think of it, it just tears right into my heart. And like, shit just briefly pops in and out of my thoughts every day multiple times.
But it's weird cause i can almost just like brush it off now, put on a smile, and no-one would have a clue. After already dealing with similar feelings for the past few years prior to her recent death, the effect the emotional pain has on me is just different.

Like, not too long ago this pain would have completely disabled me. Now it doesnt.
But it is still there.
Maybe even stronger now than ever before.

It is like i have this super raw emotional sadness in my heart, and i dont think it will ever disappear.

It is weird man.
I can be laughing and joking around with some one and feeling good, but then due to various things some sad as fuck thoughts creep up out of no where... But like i can immediately just carry on. It all can happen right in front of some one while im talking to them and they'll have no idea.

I cant tell if im successfully coping with shit and this is just how it is, or pushing feelings down and away. Idk.
Honestly i think im handling things pretty well and am pretty self aware n shit about it, but who knows.
I havent really talked about it with anyone tbh.

Idk.
This post is just rambling and only like 1% of what i want to say, but im on my phone and tired of typing.

Also im stopping smoking weed again (have been stoned since i found out about her death basically, so the feelings and emotion have increased.

I just have a crazy amount of sad emotion in me and idk what to do with it.
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Old 01-20-2016, 10:24 PM   #10 (permalink)
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What is also pretty weird... Is that the times when i let myself feel this sadness and rawness, is when i feel most alive.
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Old 01-21-2016, 02:57 AM   #11 (permalink)
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a friend of mine killed himself 7 years ago and i still think about it all the time. i hate to be pessimistic but i think the unresolved feelings about it will never change.
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Old 01-21-2016, 03:43 AM   #12 (permalink)
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I think one of the reasons that it feels good to talk about sadness and remorse is that it's a very humanizing emotion and something to be proud of. We've all experienced tremendous loss and despite every other difference it's incredibly easy to bond over. Whenever you think of whatever it is that caused the sadness you'll be reminded of the good parts of life in a really strange and maybe uncomfortable way.

"Life is a game of inches, and you gotta keep pushing cocksucka" - Joey Coco Diaz
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Old 01-21-2016, 04:45 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Love you fender!
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Old 01-21-2016, 05:32 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Seconded.
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Old 01-21-2016, 08:15 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Thich Nhat Hahn knows his stuff, Brother.

No Death, No Fear

Buddhist or otherwise.... this isn't some fluffy hocus-pocus.
I've found this teacher's words full of comment sense,
compassionate voice, and a manner of thinking that creates positive movement,
when I am feeling stuck.
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Old 01-21-2016, 09:18 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Sending you some love brother.

Shit does not get any easier
We just get more used to it
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Old 01-21-2016, 09:35 AM   #17 (permalink)
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That's true, for sure.

I always relate it to an injury you've had.

It will heal up eventually.... it can scab, it can scar....
It can be like a trick knee, ankle or what have you.

But it will be with you always. It can flare up,
you can bump it, when you're not thinking about it.

But like other types of pain.... you learn to like with, care for and cope with.
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Old 01-21-2016, 10:25 AM   #18 (permalink)
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I'm sorry to hear that fender, truely
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Old 01-21-2016, 11:12 AM   #19 (permalink)
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Hey Fends

I think it's good that you're noticing that this is happening.
Breathe, observe, and don't feel the need to entertain it more or less.
When I experience trauma related panic, I breathe, rub my arm to ground myself, and excuse my self to the washroom to do some more deep breathing or stretching. If I can't goto the bathroom I use reassuring mental mantras to keep me strong. "I am safe, and secure" "I have gotten through this and worse, and I can do it again." "Breathe in calmness, breathe out happiness" Etc.


Thinking of you, brother. With love.
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meet them at the door laughing and invite them in."
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"Not self-wrought is this puppet form,
Nor other-wrought this mass of woe;
Condition-based it comes to be
Condition-ceased it endeth, lo."
-Sister Sela

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Old 01-21-2016, 11:16 AM   #20 (permalink)
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Reverie's emotional Kung Fu is powerful.



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