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Old 04-12-2017, 07:33 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Creating friendships in adult world

How do folks make friends after school? I'm a few years out of school and really didn't think it'd be an issue, but it seems difficult to create new friendships after 25, and I find my old friendships dwindle because of life changes or folks moving (I've moved a lot) etc. I go out. I volunteer with a poetry group and goto places of worship , but it all seems pretty surface.. anyone experience this?
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Old 04-13-2017, 02:18 AM   #2 (permalink)
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to make new friends i just move to a different city and then pick from all the people i meet, my most favourites

also volunteer for and attend festivals
i'd like to add that you have to be a bit more aggressive (maybe not the right word) about hanging out to really bond with new people. you might need to adjust your boundaries if you aren't used to insisting that people make time to hang out. we all have more shit to do as we get older and its definitely a factor.

there is also a really high danger of overinvesting in someone who isn't awesome so you have to be a lot more careful who you choose. in my experience (i have moved between countries a lot of times) there are worthwhile people everywhere but they aren't always easy to find
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Old 04-13-2017, 04:59 AM   #3 (permalink)
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I disagree, forcing someone to hang out isn't indicative of a true friendship, imo... If someone incessantly insisted I do stuff and hang out with them, I would feel that person was too needy and would avoid that person in the future. I'm more of an organic kind of relationship guy, it takes a little time to develop a real friendship and trust, something that shouldn't be forced.
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Old 04-13-2017, 06:25 AM   #4 (permalink)
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I don't use the term "friend" loosely. I've only had maybe 5 people that I would call a true friend in my entire life. I'm talking someone I could completely trust. For me that took years to build. Making friends for the sake of making friends might distort your perception.
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Old 04-13-2017, 07:17 AM   #5 (permalink)
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In regards to my own situation. I have had a lot of opportunity to make friends. I do have friends, acquaintances also. I find myself.. putting fourth the effort and opening up is hard. Trust issues and the fact that I have been alone for so long has made it easy to stay alone. I complain I don't have friends but then I get them and don't follow through with nurturing the friendship which in turn leads to it dwindling away. It's still there and I can always "get together" with the friend when I feel like it. But it never turns into what I had years ago.
I think that's because of sides I'm dealing with in regards to trust and probably a busy lifestyle with kids etc.

Or I think they'll just fuck off in the end. It's easy to make friends but nurturing and keeping a friendship takes a lot of work.. I just don't have the energy lol

That's my take on friendship as an adult.
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Old 04-13-2017, 01:03 PM   #6 (permalink)
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It's been harder for me...folks I worked with, none had the same interest as me, and it takes a long time for me to trust you. I also find myself busy with so much, it would be hard to nurture a friendship, and I'm kinda shy until I think I know you.
Then at my age, I don't know anyone that smokes weed, or very many that will drink a beer. I met several folks at my beekeeper's meeting, but never went farther than that....
I think it gets harder as you get older...guys I used to work with, we partied together, then their wives got on their asses, or they got religion, or just started going in different directions....
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Old 04-13-2017, 03:30 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Ok, so i dont have any friends so this is far from a tried and true method, but i have an idea. Test it out and let me know if it works lol.

Ok so, have you considered just straight up asking people for friendship? Lol i know it sounds weird, but i feel like most people are in the same boat and would also like more good friends but also have no idea how to initiate that.

Think of it like asking someone out romantically.

Find someone at one of your gatherings that you could see a friendship possibly developing with, and just be straightforward and honest with them. Tell them that youd really like to try and make more good friends in life, that they seem cool, and ask if they are interested in hanging out and giving it a try basically.

What do you think?

The only downside with this is that you may get an overeager response from someone you don't end up gelling with as good as you thought, then have to "dump" them lol.
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Old 04-13-2017, 07:03 PM   #8 (permalink)
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I'm also bad for giving any advice so I'll try and keep this simple. I'm very attracted to self loathing, self destructive, poor, substance abusing people and those people are attracted to me so I met a lot of cool people but cool people who weren't healthy to be around so I don't have a lot of friends I talk to outside of text/social media. But the one positive thing I've learned is don't be afraid to be alone. Do shit you want to do without depending on others is so freeing and you end up meeting people doing that. If I want to see a movie? I'll go alone? Want to go to a bar or restaurant? I'll go alone? Concert? I'll go alone. Basketball game? I'll go alone. Go to the driving range? I'll go alone. Sure, it'd be more fun with others but by constantly restricting myself to others schedule usually means having not much fun when you're all doing adult stuff.

Start living like that and you realize how many people are in the same situation. For the people that don't fuck with you or are weirded out by that, fuck them. They're strangers anyways, what's the likelihood of you seeing them again and if you do who cares because you guys don't know each other in the first place. My social life sucks but at least I'm constantly meeting cool new people on my own terms and that's something. Something is better than nothing.
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Old 04-14-2017, 02:47 AM   #9 (permalink)
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I think you have to put yourself out there. Just be interested in other people and let that shine through.

When Capt. said aggressive, I think he may have meant assertive. As in, ask them if they want to hang out sometimes. If they say yes, put forth the effort to call them and invite them somewhere. Go over to their house with wine.
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Old 04-14-2017, 02:52 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by reggiedrugs View Post
I'm also bad for giving any advice so I'll try and keep this simple. I'm very attracted to self loathing, self destructive, poor, substance abusing people and those people are attracted to me so I met a lot of cool people but cool people who weren't healthy to be around so I don't have a lot of friends I talk to outside of text/social media. But the one positive thing I've learned is don't be afraid to be alone. Do shit you want to do without depending on others is so freeing and you end up meeting people doing that. If I want to see a movie? I'll go alone? Want to go to a bar or restaurant? I'll go alone? Concert? I'll go alone. Basketball game? I'll go alone. Go to the driving range? I'll go alone. Sure, it'd be more fun with others but by constantly restricting myself to others schedule usually means having not much fun when you're all doing adult stuff.

Start living like that and you realize how many people are in the same situation. For the people that don't fuck with you or are weirded out by that, fuck them. They're strangers anyways, what's the likelihood of you seeing them again and if you do who cares because you guys don't know each other in the first place. My social life sucks but at least I'm constantly meeting cool new people on my own terms and that's something. Something is better than nothing.

We should be friends yo.
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Old 04-14-2017, 07:12 AM   #11 (permalink)
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I'm one of those that likes to keep an "inner circle" of a few close people whom i can trust unconditionally and who I would do anything any time for. As people move out rungs those groups get bigger but hold less influence and are people that I might not even talk to but once a year.

I always ascribe to the quantity over quality model wherein I would rather have only 2-3 people at the center of my sphere of influence than a whole mess of people that I am hanging onto out of nothing more than social obligation.

As for fostering those friendships, it has been said already in this thread, it takes time and proof rather than want and desire. People have to earn their place in other people's lives, these benchmarks aren't clearly mapped nor are they all inclusive. One person may earn trust by being there when some heavy news hits and be a beacon in the dark. Another may just share a similar interest in music and key off the exploration into a long forgotten genre. If one is to clearly identify what they can offer and truthfully answer the question of "what do I need" from this person, not in a dominating "you are here for my gain" sorta way but from an honest "how can this be a mutually beneficial arrangement", longstanding friendships can be fostered.

As we age we start to fill in the gaps in what we need either by our own growth or we start to rely on less people to do more because we aren't readily exposed to large groups of people (school/bars/clubs/athletics). We also grow weary of people's desires and expectations not aligning with our own so we push away and isolate or float between "quick stop friendships" in which the investment is low so losses can be mitigated. While at the same time others in our sphere experience similar feelings of distance in their relationships. Being able to navigate those pitfalls can be difficult, however finding those to connect with beyond the superficial response of "I'm here, you are here, let's be friends" can lead to some pretty worthwhile engagements.

You are doing the right things by going to groups that centralize people that share surface interests with you, and that is one of the first steps of taking the large pool and diluting it down to people of value. There is also a lot left to "fate" in the sense that it always seems like people come in and out of our lives when we need them the most, and some of the best friendships and relationships come out of nothing more than chance and an openness to embrace what the universe is throwing our way. There is a quote I picked up somewhere that goes something like "You always find what you need when you stop looking" and despite my manic need to want to explain everything, holding on to that quote and living by it allows for some sense of balance where my need to know the elements of the situation blend with the chaos of the world.
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Old 04-14-2017, 03:32 PM   #12 (permalink)
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I disagree, forcing someone to hang out isn't indicative of a true friendship, imo... If someone incessantly insisted I do stuff and hang out with them, I would feel that person was too needy and would avoid that person in the future. I'm more of an organic kind of relationship guy, it takes a little time to develop a real friendship and trust, something that shouldn't be forced.
i dont mena forced in that i am forcing you.. i mean it more in the sense that i am putting effort into making time for you in my life


anyway, to each their own.
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Old 04-14-2017, 03:33 PM   #13 (permalink)
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I appreciate all of the feedback, guys. Some very thoughtful responses.

Just letting some the info sit right now, and will reply soon.
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Old 04-14-2017, 04:44 PM   #14 (permalink)
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i dont mena forced in that i am forcing you.. i mean it more in the sense that i am putting effort into making time for you in my life


anyway, to each their own.

I catch your drift, thanks for clarifying for me.
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Old 04-16-2017, 12:44 PM   #15 (permalink)
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I really have no idea. That being said, I make friends from time to time. I've made a friend recently on Facebook that I hang with IRL. I'm not especially hung up on the depth or profundity of those relationships. Just people who are cool to hang and chat with. People I genuinely like.



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Old 04-16-2017, 01:40 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Tbh i haven't had a friend since like 2012.
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Old 04-16-2017, 07:27 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Its not that its hard to make friends, its just hard to find people worth making friends with.
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Old 04-17-2017, 03:35 AM   #18 (permalink)
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i have a hard time making friends. ive never been much of a social person and most of my long time friends have moved away but i still keep in touch with some of them.

i dont trust anybody in this city, and most of the girls around here are all sluts so its hard to even want to meet people
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Old 04-17-2017, 09:35 AM   #19 (permalink)
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Don't slut shame. You aren't mad they're sluts, you're mad they aren't being sluts with you. If you continue to have that attitude twords girls I promise you will never see a live vagina ever again, friend.

Furthermore friendship is trust, you don't trust you don't have friends. If you're scared of being let down by people, then sorry buddy that's life and the only way to avoid it is being a hermit.

Im genuinely not trying to be mean, you just need to wake up and realize you're living in a world of your own making.
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Old 04-17-2017, 11:42 AM   #20 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by reggiedrugs View Post
I'm also bad for giving any advice so I'll try and keep this simple. I'm very attracted to self loathing, self destructive, poor, substance abusing people and those people are attracted to me so I met a lot of cool people but cool people who weren't healthy to be around so I don't have a lot of friends I talk to outside of text/social media. But the one positive thing I've learned is don't be afraid to be alone. Do shit you want to do without depending on others is so freeing and you end up meeting people doing that. If I want to see a movie? I'll go alone? Want to go to a bar or restaurant? I'll go alone? Concert? I'll go alone. Basketball game? I'll go alone. Go to the driving range? I'll go alone. Sure, it'd be more fun with others but by constantly restricting myself to others schedule usually means having not much fun when you're all doing adult stuff.

Start living like that and you realize how many people are in the same situation. For the people that don't fuck with you or are weirded out by that, fuck them. They're strangers anyways, what's the likelihood of you seeing them again and if you do who cares because you guys don't know each other in the first place. My social life sucks but at least I'm constantly meeting cool new people on my own terms and that's something. Something is better than nothing.
this is the best way to do it honestly
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