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Old 08-17-2017, 03:46 PM   #1 (permalink)
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So...

Hmm. Not sure where to begin. Been wanting to vent and possibly seeking guiding and support from the yahooka fam, for various reasons, for a while now. Good a time as any i suppose. Dunno if im gonna hit all the talking points in this one post though.


Just got back from the doctors with my dad. I know i made a thread a while back about his liver cancer and surgery but dont remember to what extent. Basically the cancer came back and his liver is quite fucked. Doctor gave him a year or so, give or take, at this point, if he does nothing. The one procedure he can do, can maybe stretch that a few more years if things go well, however there's also the slight chance it could basically kill him right there. Just got this info now, so not sure what hes gonna do.

He's also a depressed mess and scared of dying. And to top it off hes going overboard with opiates, and this news probably wont help. Basically just a general mess.


As for me, im also a mess. Barely holding it together. But thats nothing new, and to be completely honest, doesnt really stem from my father's mortality much at all. Ive been a wreck for like 5+ years now. To shorten that story to what's going on with me right now though, my issue is mainly that i absolutely hate myself for my complete inability to do ANYTHING. Most days can barely get out of bed. Cant even help myself in the most basic ways, ket alone my father. Im 26 years old and such a fucking loser it's pathetic. Not gonna lie i think about suicide frequently, but relax fam i could never do that to my real life family. Seriously. Am 100% confident in saying i wont do that. Still doesnt stop the thought popping into my head though. It's more just a desire to give up than legit wanting to die.

But yeah im just mad tired of being completely pathetic. Idk if you guys even know how lame i am still.
Pretty lame. Trust me. 0 life at all. Other than one or two instances, i basically havent lived at all since some shit went down in my life 5-6 years ago. No friends. No social life. No human connection at all other than mother and father and on&off coworkers(can never hold a job long. Never fired but always end up just bailing). And most embarrassingly, havent had sex in that same time frame either. Very confident i easily could and had numerous chances, however cant bring myself to go through with anything due to how pathetic i feel and am. Thankfully i had ample sexy-time from ages 17-21 and am not a 26 yr old virgin. Cant even imagine what those dudes feel like. 5 years without a loving touch has def fucked me up, but can you imagine never having felt such things ever? But yeah lack of intimacy is no doubt a big factor in my messes up head. Humans arent meant for this sort of isolation.

And on that note, likely related but not fully, i feel fucking dead inside yo. At least when i was REALLY depressed, i telt this intense sadness emotion. Now i feel nothing. In hindsight im not sure which is worse.

So like with all this shit going on with my dad, im not sure if im handling it well, or just emotionally broken and numb lol. I know, if you just read what ive said here, youd assume the latter, but freal im pretty sure im handling it really well tbh. It's not like i havent thought about mortality, even his mortality, many many times. Im constantly lost in my head and this is not a new topic or feeling for me. My ex just died like 1-2 years ago. Also buddhist concepts are a tremendous help. Not sure if id be here if not for some teachings.


Yeahhhhhh....

So im just rambling now, and dont feel like typing more on my phone. Im also not gonna reread and check over this post so excuse typos and incoherentness.

Idk yahooka.
Im not doing too great.
I really want to feel again. Have friendships. Dude i cant even remember the last time i had a real laugh and just felt good. Actuallyi think i can, and it was years ago and didnt last too long.

But yeah, id really like to actually live again instead of just barely existing in some sort of self induced purgatory.
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Old 08-17-2017, 04:28 PM   #2 (permalink)
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First off I will give you a virtual hug whether you can feel it or not.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
All you can do for your dad is be there for him. You are a good son. You need to take care of yourself. You deserve it.
Do you think maybe being around your parents is causing your depression?
I can identify with what you are saying.
I've been living with mine since I got sober and it's been a blessing and a nightmare.
Negative enabling environment, but a roof over the head.
Isolation.
Dead inside.
Emotionless.
No friends..
For years...
No real connection..

Although I have family I also suffer from depression.
It sounds as if this is what you are going through.
I have times when I'm not working.. I spend days trapped in bed.
I haven't made any real connections since I got sober.
I'm generally content but that's because I'm on medication.
I only want to die if I come off.

When I laugh it's loud, but void of emotion.
I can't cry.
I don't even yell really.
Kind of a zombie sometimes.
My mind is like a hamster wheel with a rabid sewer rat that never stops running.

With that said..
The cure to the madness is seeking likeminded individuals.
I'm haven't been to an AA meeting in almost half a year.. give or take a couple.

Have you thought about going to NA.. narcotics Anonymous?

Just to meet some peeps in recovery?
Or even AA..
It's the only place that ever makes sense to me.

I also burn sage.. and pray a lot.
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Last edited by turmaline; 08-17-2017 at 04:36 PM.
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Old 08-17-2017, 05:06 PM   #3 (permalink)
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I think you have your shit together. It doesn't matter where you are at on the social ladder presently or ever. I've read your posts for many years and you give a shit about all the right things. You're not pathetic, believe me. Most people your age are spoiled brats that haven't had life bite them in the ass like it has with you. I hate to be simplistic, but just hang in there man.
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Old 08-17-2017, 05:20 PM   #4 (permalink)
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@turm
Ive been in na and aa meetings and honestly i find them incredibly depressing and just a total downer. Plus, honestly ive spent more than enough time around addicts already. At least that's how i feel now. Plus my dad is popular in the program here and i couldnt even be totally honest there because aa people gossip like crazy i dont want him to know the full extent of my drug use.

As for being around my parent causing depression, lol well it certainly isnt helping. But that is part of my problem. Cant bail on my dad right at the end of his life. Nor do i want to. He's my best friend.
But regardless, they arent a CAUSE of it. Even if they were happy and healthy id still be a mess.

As for meds, honestly i probably should have gone on meds years ago. Never wanted to and still dont, but in hindsight i prob should have. I havent sought much help at all. Idk. Im actually afraid to take medication for this as i feel i might never get off them or, even worse, im afraid i might kill myself. Sounds bad i know. But i know i won't do that right now in my current mind, but after chemical alteration with antidepressants i cant be so confident. Sounds like shitty logic and it might be, but it's a common enough side effect, and im not sure how i could handle an "increase in suicidal thoughts" right now, especially under some altered state of mind. Yeah idk.

Love ya turm. E-hug right back at ya.
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Old 08-17-2017, 05:53 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Yes I totally agree with what stoneric said.
Are you basing yourself on what you think society says you should be?
Because I think of the beach and beautiful sunsets when I think of fenderbender.
Ok
Aa and all that is t for everyone I hear ya.
I have to pick and choose what I hear there as well.
I also hear you on your dad.
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Old 08-17-2017, 05:56 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Also fuck meds
Start eating right
Damnit
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Old 08-17-2017, 05:59 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Well, aren't we a lovely collection of basket cases?

I have constant anxiety. My whole life, my personality, actions, thoughts are all a reflection of dealing with it. I procrastinate on everything, which adds to the anxiety which motivates me to procrastinate more. It's like I can never be comfortable.

I nearly had a breakdown when I had to shell out all the money to get my car back. Money stresses me out the most. My stomach is usually in knots over bills and constant expenses and all that.

Life is just like that, I think. We have ideas about what it should be and what we should do with it, and then spend the rest of our lives being forced to drop those illusions, or suffer terribly.

The Rev
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Old 08-17-2017, 06:18 PM   #8 (permalink)
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I used to stress about money.. now I'm all meh. That's why I work.
Plus the meds
I feel the thoughts of the emotions, but have no reactions.

I really no nothing. I'm just going along trying to pay attention to the fuckin birds a bugs and flowers and shit.. it seems to be working.

The people and the news stress me out though.

We are good people that's all that matters.

We
Shouldn't take ourselves so seriously.
Just deal with it as it comes.
Shit happens.
Shittiness comes and then it goes.

I have some crazy ass bills right now but they'll get paid.
And i have the flowers and the birds and pretty things I can still look at if they don't.

Cuckoo
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"NCC: A Cautionary Tale of Condoms and Crises", OR "YOLO: Ballsack Barnacles & Babies"

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Old 08-17-2017, 06:20 PM   #9 (permalink)
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I think I have brain damage sometimes lol
When I was 3 months d my parents were at a party and some dude dropped a log of wood on my underdeveloped baby skull while I was sleeping in my playpen.

That is a possibility.

My guidance is lacking lol
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"NCC: A Cautionary Tale of Condoms and Crises", OR "YOLO: Ballsack Barnacles & Babies"

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Old 08-17-2017, 07:02 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by The Rev View Post
Well, aren't we a lovely collection of basket cases?

I have constant anxiety. My whole life, my personality, actions, thoughts are all a reflection of dealing with it. I procrastinate on everything, which adds to the anxiety which motivates me to procrastinate more. It's like I can never be comfortable.

I nearly had a breakdown when I had to shell out all the money to get my car back. Money stresses me out the most. My stomach is usually in knots over bills and constant expenses and all that.

Life is just like that, I think. We have ideas about what it should be and what we should do with it, and then spend the rest of our lives being forced to drop those illusions, or suffer terribly.

The Rev
I find procrastinating to be something to brag about. Give in my man and accept your talent. I bought a utility shed in April of 2014. It's still in the pre assembly planning stages and sits on pallets in my backyard. A living shrine of me.
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Old 08-18-2017, 06:48 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Maybe try Meet Up?

I think there are groups for people with depression, agoraphobes, etc


Even better, stick with a job a while long enough to make friends, help take that edge off. Workplace has always been the #1 place for meeting new people for me
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Old 08-18-2017, 07:02 PM   #12 (permalink)
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If i lived in New York I would play chess with you in the park on Sundays..
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Old 08-19-2017, 01:25 PM   #13 (permalink)
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I love you bendy. You're no loser and I'm proud to call you my friend.
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Old 08-19-2017, 04:04 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Sounds like you and a few others are in a bit of a rut and are having a hard time getting yourself out of it.
In my opinion it is generally tied to linear thinking in which one thought leads to another and eventually you reach the same speed bump or blockade as each time before and you stop trying. The trick is to think outside the box or better yet, think of the box and it's four corners which all represent different directions and solutions to a given problem...for example... in fenders case his four corners would consist of wants and needs in this situation.
He wants or needs companionship. He wants or needs to give or receive love, preferably both. He wants purpose, and he wants motivation.
The rut is how do we achieve these things.

Now here is the trick... once you come up with a possible answer you must first come up with "REASONS" it will work...not fucking lame ass "Excuses" why it won't.
It has been my experience that when I'm in a rut I start off by making my excuses why something won't work for me. Once I've convinced myself I stop trying.....so, you must start off by thinking of the reasons it will work and is a good idea first. When you find yourself starting to think of loser excuses...change the subject in your brain until that stops.
For example...the rut... I'm poor
the solution (Reasons to not be poor) I need to get some education which will lead to a job which will lead to other jobs plus experience which translates into better pay...and Im no longer poor.
Excuses... It takes too long , I can't afford it(Bullshit, get a loan, volunteer for experience, or borrow from a friend etc.)
One line of thought will lead to success, one leaves you in the rut.
In Fenders case a solution to all of the above wishes, wants and needs is fairly simple...
Volunteer at a pet shelter, bond with some small dogs and eventually adopt one. You will not be saving the dog...the dog will save you!
When you own a dog you must!...get out of bed, go for walks outside in the real world, feed and care and groom and interact with another being. In return the dog will give you unrelenting love. It will always be overjoyed to see your ugly human face and it will bring you contentment and companionship while you crawl out of your shell.
It gives purpose, companionship, love and motivation all in one small package.
Start off with reasons why this will work for you, and get excited about it. Do not spend any time thinking about lame ass excuses why it won't.

Your first step is contacting the Atlantic County Humane Society and inquiring about volunteering some time at their shelter or if not there where would they suggest in your hood. 609-347-2487.
You can also e mail Danielle there at, danielle.hsac@gmail. com and inquire that way.

No excuses...do it. You don't need to adopt if you are unable but you do need to go sit with a box of puppies or the poor abandoned and lost old souls who just crave some love and companionship...like you.

No Fucking excuses...only reasons why it will work.
Think that way and any rut you find yourself in will fall away and you can climb out.

Don't make me fly across the country and bitch slap your excuse making ass...I'm just crazy enough to do something like that and I'm known for enjoying a little excess violence when the situation in my opinion calls for it.
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Old 08-19-2017, 07:13 PM   #15 (permalink)
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im so sorry fender. like ric said 'you care about all the right stuff.'

if you're unhappy, it's because something is wrong with this world, not with you. it's a crazy mixed up world and if you need to seek help from a 'professional' that's just a healthy reaction to a an unhealthy society. getting up the nerve takes a lot of courage, it's a show of strength not failure.

im glad you're there at your dads side, as painful as it is. not everyone has that.
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Old 08-21-2017, 05:01 AM   #16 (permalink)
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You better check in.
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Old 08-26-2017, 07:45 PM   #17 (permalink)
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guess Im booking a ticket to Jersey...
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Old 08-27-2017, 03:36 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Lol. Appreciate the thought slunt, though how about you fly me out to BC instead lol.

But yeah, im feeling much better actually. Ups and downs but im on an upswing now id say. Trying to be more active. I was just doing nothing stewing in my own mental shittiness for a while there, after i fucked up and bailed on my job earlier this summer.
Right now I'm getting some exercise, reading some buddhist shit and meditating a little, helping out my dad in various ways and bringing him to doctors appointments etc. Today i just helped my grandparents put with some landscaping. Got some painting and general labor work for a family friend this week on my own, so ill make some money this week. Gonna find a legit job working for someone this week too probably/hopefully. Probably painting. So thatll be good. Definitely need the dough and itll keep me busy/tired which is good.
My sister is also visting for like 2weeks, coming here sept 9th i think. So that's great. Havent seen her for a year. Also good motivation to get my shit together a bit by then, and i dont want to be a miserable pathetic POS when shes here. Also a good old friend if mine / my one sane ex-gf is gonna visit during that timeframe too to see me and my sister. So that's nice and also same motivation.

As for animals, i have two awesome cats who i absolutely shower with affection constantly. Theyve probably been the biggest help to keep me sane over the oast five years. They are seriously the perfect cats. Especially one. By far the fluffiest most loveable friendly animal ive ever met, and ive met some great pets before. This one takes the cake though. That said, im also a big dig lover and my life is definitely lacking in doggos. My dad's housemate has a nice dog thatll ill take for walks occasionally but shes kind of a boring dog too. I definitely think im gonna take your idea and do the shelter thing soon though (wrong county but close. Next one up lol. Appreciate that effort though man for real). I know a shelter near by and im gonna hit them up soon. Probably after i get a job next week and get a schedule i can.commit to more.

Right now im gonna jump over to the beach real quick and catch the sunset, which i havent been doing, but has always been a positive grounding thing for me. Seeing that natural beauty keeps me going. Not enough of that hete, but the beach fits the bill.


Much love everyone.
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Old 08-27-2017, 03:38 PM   #19 (permalink)
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I also just decided to stay away from facebook, because holy shit its just non stop hate and stupidity on there. And im too much of a sucker for online arguments lol. Best to stay away from that shit.

Yahookas all good people though <3
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Old 08-27-2017, 04:45 PM   #20 (permalink)
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good to see you doing ok . we tend to get a bit worried when someone Rants and then disappears for a while.
One county over eh?...I would have found you eventually
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