Cerebro

Some of you knew about my son, Hugo.
He died on Tuesday morning of a respiratory infection.
Most people who met him will have been touched by him, one friend described her feelings when interacting with Hugo as akin to grace.
Lots of lovely memories and so much relief. I had fears. Knowing he will pass before me was difficult, but the worry about the details of his passing was harder. It was something I was in little position to control, and futile worry is debilitating. His transition from life to death was calm, controlled, comfortable, and familiar for him and all the family.
So it's four days on and i'm feeling calm. There is a wrenching in my stomach, I feel like my brain wants to vomit too, and very tired; this is the first bit of time i've had to myself, no appointments. Kids went back to their mum's last night, I was great to see them as they are my main priority. They seem to be accepting his passing over well, kids are amazing, they deal with these things in new ways every hour, no wonder they get over stuff so quickly. So seeing them process difficult feelings and information was a blessing for me.
Thanks for your thoughts YaHooka.
Rest in Peace Hugo, my beautiful boy
You touched us all so much xo

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farmergiles

RIP Hugo.

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Cultivate a stoic calmness

my_scatterheart

May Hugo know true rest.

Love and light cerebro

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Be mindful even if your mind is full. -J. De La Vega

Mikey

I'm really sorry for your loss.
RIP Hugo

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RIP Gov

SmokeaJoint

RIP

Good vibes for the family.

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Mafoo

RIP

sorry to hear about this cerebro. i hope you can find some comfort for yourself

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PLUR
For once you have tasted flight you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skywards, for there you have been and there you will long to return

Cerebro

actually i'm kinda looking for some insight from spanky

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mothernature

I am so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine what you're going through. I wish you and your family all my love. Let me know if I can do anything.

AfroHorse

My feelings go out to you Cerebro, situations like this are my worst fear

Peace

Dandaweedman

Our hearts are with you brother.

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HTAM

Thank you for sharing something that is so personal to you, with the rest of us.

You have discovered a huge mine of wisdom with an experience like this, C.

'"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but Really loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

It hurts to be real today, C.

But, I hope that the collective wave of admiration that Hooka holds for you will help to ease the random attacks of grief that find you.

Cerebro

you're right mate, in many ways.
It does hurt to be real, and i dont mind that, give me real anyday. You are also right about yhka being of help, lotsa fine people in these here parts.
Thanks for the post htam
1st day at school, induction anyway....for reals.

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SageTree

Lots of Love Cerebro.

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José

PM me and I'd love to talk with you.

I'd actually love to hear more about him and what he was like. I've never experienced a loss of someone close to me so I'm sorry, I really lack that experience.

My mom once told me experiencing death of someone close to you can be a wonderful experience. It's really sad that they are no longer with us, but they will always live through everyone else by experience. If you could PM me some things he's shared with you and what he learned in life/what you learned from him I could help his soul stay alive just by thinking/sharing what you learned from him.

It's really sad to hear Cerebro that you lost a child, that's nothing any parent should have to deal with. I used to ride a motorcycle and I did some dumb shit on it. I can't believe I was that stupid to risk my life, cause I really wouldn't want to do anything like that to my family. I'm sure your son felt the same way, but like you said it's just something none of us have control over. Like I told my dad though what I learned from riding a motorcycle. I don't believe death is random. If you're going to die, you're going to die and there's nothing that can stop that. So I guess it just wasn't my time, no matter what stupid shit I did.

Anyways man, there's nothing wrong with being sad. You can't be happy without knowing what being sad is like. So celebrate his life!

Sugar420

word spanky, thats real

i never had kids but i have also lost someone so i know there are no words. but for me, there was a moment of realizing that i had seen a light shining very brightly if however briefly. it was a light that showed me the direction of goodness, and that light helpd me on my way towards goodness.

Cerebro

hey veda, there aren't any words, people can only say how they feel. thanks for sharing that moment, it embodies something that i've been feeling for the last couple of days. it feels like i am being drawn by his example into something brighter/goodness as you say. i'm feeling content, Hugo is with me forever now.
But spanky made me cry.
You're an amazing fella, i'm glad to know you mate.
You have some serious wisdom, I hope you're patient enough to let it grow: much love for you and your support.

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Being

I have one daughter (18 months old) and I dont know that I would be level headed enough to handle loosing her like you are able to handle and control yourself.

cerebro i have utter respect and admiration for you. anything you need, my pm inbox is always open. my deepest apologies for your loss man.

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R.I.P. Gov

Cerebro

The Velveteen Rabbit - It was read at Hugo's funeral, I didn't know that it would be but had a little smile when it started, so thanks htam for the headsup
It was not very sudden at the end, maybe 2 weeks. Time enough for people to travel for final goodbyes. Which they did, he'd touched many people. He was kept at home on O2 and AB's. It was always going to end with an URTI. He was on Fentanyl for the last few years but his pain was much worse so they added something......endon e into the mix. The last day I saw him he wasn't in pain, but he was very unresponsive, unusually so and he felt different with his breathing while you held him. I played peekaboo with him and he thanked me with his last smiles. The next morning he woke with chain stoke breathing and didn't pick up. The O2 was turned off and he passed about 10 mins later.
Nothing dramatic. I arrived a few hours later and was surprised to find that he was still warm. He was a little blue, mostly just bluer veins etc, not blue skin, but still warm and not all stiff. Quite the opposite. Thelast few weeks he had been stiff as his pain was very high, so it was nice to feel him loose. His hair felt normal and strong as I ran my fingers through it, smells were all normal. In retrospect I realise I owe alot of that pleasant experience of holding him to me after his passing to those support people at my exwife's. I think he'd been held non-stop since before he'd died. A relay baton noone wanted to drop. My youngest was intriqued by his closed eyelids. His big toes, always pointing to the sky in reflex spasm, were straight and relaxed.
After his funeral I found it difficult to really focus any thoughts on the subject of his life or death. A dear friend from these parts helped by encouraging me to breathe. She also told me that our teachers are often sent to us in strange disguises. Such a boy; so limited in his physical capacities, has no limitations in spirit. That spirit. Those that took the time to allow Hugo to connect with them copped a slap around, or energetic tune-up perhaps. People often cried, or commented that they now held their own children tighter and for longer.
He taught me to be patient, and to talk with my eyes.
He taught me to touch, and to smile from within.
If a boy so removed from worldly comfort
can rejoice at the world around him.
Then I can rejoice in this world in comfort
while he is unbound all around me.

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mothernature

Thank you. You're beautiful.

Jenna_Grows

When I read your post Cerebro, I am taken to a place of grace.

Thanks for sharing that.