Social acceptance.

B. · 10-19-2009, 07:42 AM

Hello budding yahookan, how are you today?

Bit of a strange morning here, couldn't sleep last night and decided to feck it and stay up, popped a wakey wakey pill just to make sure.

Anyway, after reading shitloads of stuff, I had a strange moment with a Noam Chomsky transcript and blurted this piece of nonsense out to post on my almost nonexistent blog... thought I would post it here so you can either discuss, poke fun at my insecurity or just comment informing me its way too long for you to be bothered reading...

Quote:

Today I read a transcript from a recent Noam Chomsky lecture and naturally, being the warped leftist freak that I am, was inclined to agree with Mr Chomsky's take on world affairs.

This, however, isn't what has inspred me to write a piece for this blog that I have so neglected since my initial counter-attack against proctrastinism that spawned it.

No, it was just one line in this goliath piece of text that jumped out and immediately had dual meaning for me...

The line was, and I copy and paste... "Of course, rhetoric is different, but the facts are quite clear"

If you know the first thing about Noam Chomsky, then the context is immediately apparent... all high politics, US foreign policy and brazen gangsterism on the world stage, in particular reference to the subtle differences between the adminstrations of Bush Jnr and Obama, and I concur... the rhetoric may well be different, but the facts are as clear as ever to those that seek them.

However, the reason this statement jumped of the screen to me is a little more close to home, and lead me into considering an age old question that has troubled me since my youth.

How do you define a person as a friend?
Or more to the point, why do most of my friendships/relationships contain so little reciprocy?

These may seem like silly questions, a tad insecure, and probably are but they still matter to me... even now.
Maybe its just me taking things too personally again, maybe I need to get out more, or just worry less... maybe it is a really good point and it is likely I am not the only person who thinks along these lines... but it still seems silly to me.

The thing is; I am hard work, I have always been a bit of a paradox... I am a social person that enjoys meeting people, but I am not very good at it and have never had a massive circle of friends.
I have old friends from my teenage years, I belong to a music scene and as a result am considered part of an extended circle of like minds, I even come from a sizeable family but often feel I'm still yet to discover truly satifying friendship.

I'm a familiar story, my social life traditionally revolves around my two oldest friends, both of whom have been in relationships since they were young, so as the singleton I am generally expected to be the "communicator".. . this goes more so for one of my two close friends.
By communicator, I mean the onus is mostly on me to keep in touch... if I am not on the phone everyday or on some form of public transport, dragging my ass back and forth across the city on social calls, then I am liable to spend a lot of time with only myself and the internet for company.
Now don't get me wrong, the internet has introduced me to some really great people... but as a social situation, it leaves much to be desired.

So what do I do?

Well, apart from either running around a lot or spending lots of quality time with my keyboard, I use the aforementioned internet to become more involved in my local music scene... as an amateur noisemaker, this is a natural occurence.
It was also a minor revolution in my life at the time, I went from being lonely bachelor to weekend warrior literally overnight... now I can turn up at most decent club nights in my hometown and be guaranteed a party afterwards, and I genuinely love a lot of the people I have met on my travels for the hospitality and respect they have shown in abundance.
I can't help but play the comparison game though... I know it is wrong, I know I am my own person and shouldn't use others as a yardstick or for external justification, but it just happens.
You see, I'll go out to a club... I'll have a great night, catch up with old faces and crack jokes with those more familiar... at chucking out time I'll share a cab and after much joyous revellry it will be Saturday PM... clouds start lifting, hangover turns to hair of the dog, peoples phones start ringing and arrangements are made to meet up with absentees at a local pub. Of course I am expected to join in, and if finances allow I do... rounds are bought, conversation fires back and forth and eventually fractures into sub groups discussing plans for mid week hook-ups... "I'll call round on Tuesday, we could see a movie"... "Footy on Thursday?" ...this is where my evil subconscious starts getting the better of me... I mean, it is always clear to me... but this is when it becomes painfully obvious that in this situation, with these people, I am always the outsider.

Not in any malicious way. If you where to ask these people, they would label me a good egg and then say something really reassuring with regards to my status as part of the group... but it is still the fact that I am, and often strongly feel like, an infrequent visitor rather than a resident. After the weekend is done, I go back to my normal life and don't see them again until the next time. I get the impression that if I never went out to a club again in my life, then I'd probably lose touch with these people... my status within this group depends directly on my ability and desire to go out clubbing.
Now as much as I love and respect the change these people have brought to my life, I can also see it for what it is... its a social outlet that allows me to interact with like-minded peers, but I often leave feeling short changed. I know these people, no matter how welcoming, are not my true friends... I am not saying they don't have the capacity to be... they just aren't, at least not at the moment.

Anyway, back to the point in hand. I went a bit off course there providing a bit of context to my questions and the eye catching Chomsky quote.
The context being that I have maintained unshakeable, albeit extremely unsatisfying at times, friendships with two of the people that have featured longest in my life.
Being that they both decided from an early age that they can't live without a woman dictating things to them, I spent a lot of my twenties seeking an alternate, more fulfilling, aspect to my social life that had scope beyond bearing witness to a string of domestics and the odd, ultra rare, lads night that would basically play out as me following whichever friend around while he has a blowout.
My resulting quest into clubland has been a mixed bag, on one hand I now have a circle of "friends" that I can rely on when I need a blowout of my own. My formerly one dimensional social life has now blossomed into a sea of possibility. But I also have a weekend pass into a collective of people who all seem to be full time friends, who meet midweek for pizza and exchange phonecalls in preperation for Friday night. I see how an average twenty-something lives their life and can't help but question why my life is not the same... pathetic as it sounds, but I really wish I had friends like this in my life. on the one hand I have close, but unattentive friends, and the other hand a group of people who would make the best friends in the world... but I am just not part of their circle and don't know how to be.

I know my personality has a lot to answer for, my self-conscious nature doesn't always allow for easy conversation, so it is sometimes understandable why I remain an outsider amongst friends, but it doesn't explain the lack of reassurance I receive from people that I really have a right to expect better from.

It doesn't explain why out of my two oldest friends, only one of them makes a little effort to stay in touch... the other I have not spoken to in months because I lost his new phonenumber and I (purposely) haven't got on a bus to go see him... needless to say, I will have to soon or I fear our paths may never cross again. The one who does make the effort isn't all that bloody good either, I've lost count of the amount of parties and events that I missed, and have been chastised for missing, even though I knew nothing about them until after the fact.
Then there are family members. Fuck... don't get me started on family members... for example I have a step-sister that I am concinved I was friends with once... she met a great guy and moved away and I literally get to speak to her once or twice a year when she comes back home... occasionally when I try to contact her she may answer to me, but she isn't into replying to messages and certainly not concerned with keeping in touch off her own back... if I didn't know better I'd swear she has forgotten that I exist, or at least has ceased to care. The same goes for my other sister, who happens to be my cousin (long story), who's husband celebrated his 40th birthday recently with a big house party... guess who didn't get invited? Thats right, the guy who didn't ring up to remind them that he still exists.

I have even lost friends that I swore I would be around till the day I die because of this, one friend in particular was one of my aforementioned old friends' ex. However, we had been friends since before all that, and a few years back I ran into her again... she was very troubled at the time, she had hit the bottle in a big way, lost the backing of everyone including her immediate family and got mixed up with a really dodgy crackhead idiot.
For some reason, probably the fact that she tried to kill herself in my bathroom (decorating my walls in the process, she went for a sort of random red spray look if I remember correctly), I decided I couldn't stand passively by and witness her self destruction. We became close and I used to go to her house every night after work to ensure she was still alive and keep her company. Without sounding like I am seeking kudos points, I was instrumental in saving her life at least twice after ill concieved suicide attempts... I dedicated the best part of a year standing by her side in the face of mounting criticism and gossip, out of nothing but concern and mutual friendship. In the end she sorted her head out and found a new bloke, a good guy who had no problem with his new girl having a close platonic relationship with another guy... a close platonic relationship that lasted, oh, about another month or two until I got bored of making all the effort, feeling as though I look a bit desperate hanging around with someones girl while my boys where out somewhere else. I eventually stopped calling her or dropping by in the vain hope that reassurance would follow in the form of an inquisitive phonecall asking where I've been... it never came. I'm still on the same number today, I still live at a family home that she knows, and I'll bet she is still wondering where I have gone.

I haven't gone anywhere, I'm still here... you just can't see me anymore because you refuse to make a bit of effort to look.
That shit really hurt.

And this is what I'm talking about, as far as i know we only get one shot at life... and as pointless as it may often seem, its too short to take genuine friends for granted.
It bugs me that I often feel all of my friendships would go the same way if left unattended.

My step-sis who I once really sparked with is now like a stranger to me each time we meet, all because she isn't a fan of picking the phone up and I have quit flogging dead horses... I honestly think we will never be a real part of each others lives again... sad.
Maybe she genuinely dislikes me and never had the guts to say it? Maybe our friendship was a one sided delusion and she is glad there are now a few hundred miles between us... or maybe that is just what her lack of effort leads me to sometimes believe.

Same with my techno comrades, ever welcoming but I often feel they wouldn't even notice if I vanished... again, maybe they think I'm a tit but haven't the heart to shoot me down... maybe they just put up with me once in every while out of sympathy then laugh behind my back... or maybe thats just how their distance makes me feel.

My bro's, my two friends who can always justify their lack of presence in the same breath as complaining about mine. Just plain bloody annoying, at least these guys never get me truly paranoid... and thats how I know they are my true friends..

I know this sounds an awful lot like a self-pity rant, or me trying to rationalise my own failed attempts at seeking acceptance, but it isn't... believe me, I've already done all that to the nth degree! And although I clearly hate the fact that everyone I know seems to have lots of good friends that show they care, but I do not... this is not a cry for sympathy.

In fact, I'm not really sure what I am doing except trying to articulate the crazy moment of introspective frustration I had upon reading something completely unrelated. And yes, ok, using it as an excuse to bitch about something that has been doing my head in of late... but I think there is a point hidden somewhere in all this, I just think it got lost as soon as I started typing.

You see, we all consider friendship to be an integral part of a fulfilled life. I find it is essential for both personal development and keeping tabs on my elusive friend; sanity.

But all it ever seems to do, really, is make me feel inadequate and ask awkward questions of myself.

I suppose thats why the quote jumped off the page, I think I had my rave allies in mind when I first read it... I find it frustrating that my own personality faults make it hard for me to make the jump from casual aquaintance to genuine friend even with people I really get on with, and they never seem to notice which leads me to question their role in my life, or at least the wisdom of stressing about why I get lots of rhetoric but no discernable action. The facts are clear, I am the outsider and no one is going to usher me in. I should just deal with it, I know.

Then I realised that my "real" friends are just as bad... in fact, pretty much everyone in my life expects me to keep running around like a headless chicken seeking their approval and company, but rarely getting the same in return.

Then I realised this is probably nowhere near unique to me, and probably happens to everyone.

But why?

Why do people have to be so self important? Forever too busy to keep in touch with the genuine people in their lives, letting loved ones pass them by year in, year out... only realising when its too late that christmas cards and rhetoric just aren't enough.

Kishimbawa · 10-19-2009, 08:20 AM

Beautiful.

hijabihippie · 10-20-2009, 08:55 AM

Seconded.

ChiefBongWater · 10-24-2009, 11:38 PM

when i first saw the length of that i was like ' ...damn!

' but after reading it i am glad that i did

C_ka · 10-25-2009, 02:23 AM

Yes i think this is a somewhat widely felt feeing.

why do people have to be so self importent? who knows, but we are.

i dont mean to play off key but, your story is about yourself.

Perhaps our self centricity and need for others approval is the glue that binds us?

perhaps it serves the function of an intrinsic motivation for our behaviour, and perhaps is built in?

Anywho, we are each self centered in our own way, tis in our nature and is most easily accepted imho.

Dont bug yourself about it man - trust me, friends are all quality over quantity

Brutrod · 11-07-2009, 08:50 PM

‘Harold & Kumar II,’ Kumar to Vanessa, “I promise you I will never try to make you something you are not.” I usually do not post on message boards because I do not write well enough to fully explain my thought process. Your post and my own recent self reflection have sparked an exception. True friendship can only be achieved with absolute trust between two people. Absolute trust can be difficult to achieve. Friendships are rare. It is human nature to use our own insecurities as an excuse to distrust people, including our ‘so called’ friends. The mechanism by which begin the cycle of distrust is to assume everyone is or should be exactly like us. We all have tendencies to categorize and generalize people as with us or against us. Here comes the hard part - communicating a possible solution to your problem. I am going to make a series of action based statements and questions. Let them sink in and look for reasons to agree before internally processing any flaws in my delivery.

Reflect on how you treat people. Do you really listen to people when they speak? Are you processing their verbal cues and body language? Are you looking for common ground rather than planning how to dispute what is being said. Probably not! Learn to ask sincere and reassuring questions that assist you in really understanding the issue at hand. Easier said than done? Practice on the obvious and then advance your techniques as you gain confidence. Remain positive and forgiving the next time you have a disagreement or feel slighted by someone. Let it go. Accept their mistakes with a smile. This doesn’t mean you compromise your value system. (Only you know your real value system.) Some things are not meant to happen. You cannot change values, but you can develop trust with like minded people by teaching them to play by your rules. Do not reciprocate negativity. In the case of being slighted, accept the outcome, and voice your concern with calm assertive energy, and then move on.

Building trust is much easier when your motives are sincere and transparent. We have to learn to let go of resentment, regardless of its origination. Resentment by its very nature, reinforces negative behavior. The presence of resentment makes us feel uncomfortable, even if we actually realize the error of our ways. We begin to isolate ourselves and quickly form self-fulfilling scenarios of distrust.

Call your step sister. Apologize for the lack of communication, even if you think you are not the one to blame. You do not need to explain your change in attitude. Keep the end objective in mind. Play nice, be responsive and teach her how to be friends by example.

B. · 11-23-2009, 01:06 AM

Thanks for your kind responses guys, this piece of text was produced when I was feeling a little vulnerable and stuff, but it still stands for the most part.

Quote:

Originally Posted by C_ka

why do people have to be so self importent? who knows, but we are.

i dont mean to play off key but, your story is about yourself.

Absolutely

I was aware of this after I wrote it, but was not in a mood to go editing such a long rant!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brutrod

‘
Reflect on how you treat people. Do you really listen to people when they speak? Are you processing their verbal cues and body language? Are you looking for common ground rather than planning how to dispute what is being said. Probably not!

Unfair judgement I think, yes... all I do is listen to people when they speak, that is my main problem... I listen too much but find it hard, sometimes impossible, to reflect myself truly. I certainly don't go around looking to dispute what people say to me.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brutrod

Building trust is much easier when your motives are sincere and transparent. We have to learn to let go of resentment, regardless of its origination.

True, my motives are not clear and transparent often... not due to resentment, but due to my avoidant personality and the resulting walls I have built around my persona.
But yes, good point... I know my post may sound a little resentful, cos that is how I felt when writing it... that isn't how I am all of the time though.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brutrod

Call your step sister. Apologize for the lack of communication, even if you think you are not the one to blame. You do not need to explain your change in attitude. Keep the end objective in mind. Play nice, be responsive and teach her how to be friends by example.

I have tried, I did see her recently... we're still friends, just lost touch in a big way and I feel it sometimes. But you are right, I should take the high ground and focus on the important issue, which is maintaining relations with important people in my life... even if I don't feel like I am important to them.

By your response I don't think I quite articulated what I meant to... all the same, thanks for your reply

10-19-2009, 08:20 AM	#2 (permalink)
Kishimbawa Old School Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Where monkeys are fucked Posts: 5 Thanks: 32 Thanked 9 Times in 4 Posts	Beautiful. __________________ Fuck The Monkeys

10-24-2009, 11:38 PM	#4 (permalink)
ChiefBongWater a lot of grease Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Pittsburgh Posts: 1,007 Thanks: 124 Thanked 275 Times in 204 Posts	when i first saw the length of that i was like ' ...damn! ' but after reading it i am glad that i did __________________ Ελληνική υπερηφάνεια

10-25-2009, 02:23 AM	#5 (permalink)
C_ka Safe mode Join Date: Dec 2001 Location: New Zealand Posts: 935 Thanks: 147 Thanked 31 Times in 26 Posts	Yes i think this is a somewhat widely felt feeing. why do people have to be so self importent? who knows, but we are. i dont mean to play off key but, your story is about yourself. Perhaps our self centricity and need for others approval is the glue that binds us? perhaps it serves the function of an intrinsic motivation for our behaviour, and perhaps is built in? Anywho, we are each self centered in our own way, tis in our nature and is most easily accepted imho. Dont bug yourself about it man - trust me, friends are all quality over quantity __________________ "yes i smoke shit straight off the roach clip.." - Cypress Hill "Years ago I recognized my kinship with all living things, and I made up my mind that I was not one bit better than the meanest on the earth. I said then and I say now, that while there is a lower class, I am in it; while there is a criminal element, I am of it; while there is a soul in prison, I am not free." — Eugene V. Debs [KEEP NZ GREEN]

11-07-2009, 08:50 PM	#6 (permalink)
Brutrod YaHookan Join Date: Nov 2009 Posts: 1 Thanks: 0 Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post	A possible solution ‘Harold & Kumar II,’ Kumar to Vanessa, “I promise you I will never try to make you something you are not.” I usually do not post on message boards because I do not write well enough to fully explain my thought process. Your post and my own recent self reflection have sparked an exception. True friendship can only be achieved with absolute trust between two people. Absolute trust can be difficult to achieve. Friendships are rare. It is human nature to use our own insecurities as an excuse to distrust people, including our ‘so called’ friends. The mechanism by which begin the cycle of distrust is to assume everyone is or should be exactly like us. We all have tendencies to categorize and generalize people as with us or against us. Here comes the hard part - communicating a possible solution to your problem. I am going to make a series of action based statements and questions. Let them sink in and look for reasons to agree before internally processing any flaws in my delivery. Reflect on how you treat people. Do you really listen to people when they speak? Are you processing their verbal cues and body language? Are you looking for common ground rather than planning how to dispute what is being said. Probably not! Learn to ask sincere and reassuring questions that assist you in really understanding the issue at hand. Easier said than done? Practice on the obvious and then advance your techniques as you gain confidence. Remain positive and forgiving the next time you have a disagreement or feel slighted by someone. Let it go. Accept their mistakes with a smile. This doesn’t mean you compromise your value system. (Only you know your real value system.) Some things are not meant to happen. You cannot change values, but you can develop trust with like minded people by teaching them to play by your rules. Do not reciprocate negativity. In the case of being slighted, accept the outcome, and voice your concern with calm assertive energy, and then move on. Building trust is much easier when your motives are sincere and transparent. We have to learn to let go of resentment, regardless of its origination. Resentment by its very nature, reinforces negative behavior. The presence of resentment makes us feel uncomfortable, even if we actually realize the error of our ways. We begin to isolate ourselves and quickly form self-fulfilling scenarios of distrust. Call your step sister. Apologize for the lack of communication, even if you think you are not the one to blame. You do not need to explain your change in attitude. Keep the end objective in mind. Play nice, be responsive and teach her how to be friends by example.

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10-20-2009, 08:55 AM	#3 (permalink)
hijabihippie YaHookan Join Date: Jun 2009 Posts: 1,587 Thanks: 1,153 Thanked 655 Times in 515 Posts	Seconded.

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