The Rev

Most people I know would tell you that emotional pain is worse, more often than not, than physical pain. A broken heart is far worse than a broken leg, for example. Why, then, is it that we generally regard physical abuse with far greater horror than we do emotional abuse?

We inflict emotional pain on each other (from guilt trips, to insults, to teasing, to outright scorn and condemnation) as a fairly normal part of life, yet to hit someone is a criminal offence, and widely condemned by society.

Thoughts?



The Rev

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SageTree

*First of all, I in now way wish to say one pain is greater than another, or take nullify/take way anyone's pain, who has or is, going through this. If you are, please get help or talk to someone. I'm a listening ear if you need a first step.*


Wow... this is a topic right up my alley for sure....
I don't mean to steer this right into this direction, but this is really where this issues touches me in a raw way.

I used to get smacked around and hit by my Dad... but I could sorta sense when it was 'time' for that.

However, the emotional abuse is what has stayed with me in ways deeper that I can fathom sometimes. I believe it to be a catalyst to the 'issues' I've had to work out and cope with throughout my life or at least in how I approach them, large and small alike.

My parents divorce, when my Mom left Dad, was actually filed as 'Emotional Abuse'.

It's easy for emotional abuse to become relentless, like the home I grew up in, and its far more common to emotionally abuse a stranger-friend-family, than hitting them physically.

And I believe that it's nearly impossible to see when it's going to happen. To which I feel there is the 'shock and surprise' element that really raps you one when it happens. And is the 'fear' that feel most often when people are angry outwardly.



I'm going to stop for now as this could turn into a very long post of expressing my full feelings about it, of 'fallout' stories and struggles as it crept into my life.

I realize that I was a victim and now I'm in healing.

Which is to say, on a positive note, I think I'm more in the mindset of accepting it, knowing what happened happened, and now the perspective is up to me, rather than feeling oppressed by it or staying.

It has only been close to a year that I think I've really come to terms with anyone of this, I believe there is more story in the 'Returning to Spirit' thread, about a trauma workshop I attended last year.

My intention in sharing here is really not just to hear myself talk or to join in the conversation.

This is REALLY real to me and I don't want anyone to feel alone, stuck.

In love,
SageTree

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AfroHorse

damn sage, my family life was next to perfect compared to that, even though it still confuses me

i always had my family to fall back on no matter what, can't imagine how i would have done without that

SageTree

Thanks man. I believe the link I posted talks more about the stuff I've worked on, and you're welcome to read/comment there if you'd like as well. I refer you there because I've done more processing there than I have here and don't feel that it's fair to leave you with the impression that my life has been shit, or that I see it that way, however you want to look at it.


I certainly had plenty of good times as a youth with my parents. That is only fair to say.


In the end or up to now, all I can really say for sure is because of all that 'shit' that's happened, I've had lots of fertilizer to enrich my perspective. It's helped me have lots of compassion for how I talk to people, my main struggle in being 'too' sensitive for the wrong reasons, at times, to keep it simple.


Moments like these help me as well because I feel I am able to let people know they aren't alone and there is light at the end of the tunnel. This is healing for me.

So thank you.

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The Rev

I'm glad you opened up like that Sage, because it really goes a long way toward emphasizing my point that there's ALOT of people around who carry alot of pain and baggage because of this kind of abuse, yet it doesn't get the attention that the physical kind does, and I think that's a problem.

When I was a kid, I was not allowed to be angry. If I got angry, I got yelled at, and if I got angry AT one of my parents, I was bullied into believing that the problem was with me (too sensitive, selfish, inappropriate, etc.). Now, I have all kinds of issues with anxiety, crippling issues, and with depression, and I still find it nearly impossible to place limits on others in my life. When you're a kid, and you get hurt physically, you heal; that's not necessarily so when you get hurt emotionally.

Eric Bogosian, in the movie "Talk Radio", put it well: "Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words cause permanent damage."

I think a discussion like this is important because this kind of mistreatment of others needs to be given the credit it's due, and should be condemned in the same way that physical abuse is.



The Rev

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Xil

A New Earth - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Just thought i'd share a book that has been helpful to me. You could probably call it cheesey, new age mumbo jumbo, self help drivel...but you could also call it very useful. In terms of recognizing and dealing with pain its helped a lot, if anyone cares to check it out.

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turmaline

Physical Abuse=I can forget about.
Emotional Abuse=Still makes me want to take a sledge hammer to your pelvic area.

Just a random opinion.

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"I'd rather a frontallabotomy...th an a bottleinfrontofme".

mothernature

This hits home to me as well.

I suffered in an abusive marriage for years. There was very little physical abuse, but the emotional abuse was relentless.

When I tried too talk about it, most people would say, "At least he didn't hit you". Like that meant something to me. What meant something to me was the feeling that I was less of a person than everyone else. Less because I felt that for some reason I deserved it and it wasn't too bad, because at least he doesn't hit me. Geez, I'm lucky.

Today, this man is almost 60 years old and lives in a homeless shelter, when he's not in jail. Sometimes I feel pretty good about that. Then I feel guilty over feeling good about anothers misfortune. Mostly, I try to not think about him at all.

It's still painful to talk and think about this shit. It still hurts. Now I gotta go to jokes.com.

I love you guys.

my_scatterheart

Physical abuse is almost always coupled with emotional abuse. Emotional abuse isn't as indicative of physical abuse - which is why I think physical abuse is made a bigger deal of. The kid that gets beat to shit every night almost never has an otherwise healthy family dichotomy.

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Be mindful even if your mind is full. -J. De La Vega

Qui-Bong Jinn

I think physical abuse is seen as worse then emotional because physical abuse is usually inflicted on the weak and ones that can't fight back. Unless you go to an authority, talking about getting your ass beat by your dad isn't going to make it hurt any less. Emotional abuse can be talked about to a close friend or family member, in most cases.

But I agree with Mothernature, I got my ass kicked daily and got made off all the time in elementary school, I'd rather get punched in the face then get made fun of. That shit cuts deep.

SageTree

"Today" is a song I used to listen to a lot when I was a kid. I cried a lot to it, but it also gave me a lot of hope to keep on with trying.


Recently, this was something I read about the song and I smiled with tears in my eyes.... tears of happiness.






Thanks Rev and everyone else... what I SHOULD say is I am ABLE to know that I'M not alone either. It's a bittersweet solace I suppose, however, my intention is to say THANKS for sharing your stories as well.

That really made sense man. Not in a 'they were right' way I just mean that I get it. My parents, both of them, were big into guilt, even if they didn't intend to, and my Mom and Grama possible more so after my Parents divorce and my angry explosion that followed. "You're just like your Father" (the person who beat you up) ...."Thanks Mom"

The mantra I feel this left me with was "You're not doing it right." And this has crept up in doubt and anxiety in many astounding ways.

I think even though I had good time with my Dad, that underlying 'what if/when he gets mad' was always there in reality and weighed on my more than I realized maybe?

When folks start getting angry or up set (especially with things I have done with good intentions) I start to crumble sometimes. The first time I remember getting hit was when I was trying to help my Dad, like I said above.

It's a struggle sometimes to know 'Am I doing the right thing' and 'If I'm standing up for myself or having boundries, enough?' without getting drawn in and tense, at least.

I really understand what you mean to MN. And maybe sometimes I tell myself that stuff to. 'Well he didn't hit me that much' or 'Well, when I got older I did get angry back' (like I was ever shown any other way) Justifying the abuse, I guess you'd say....

It's amazing how trauma lays in the body. It's sometimes described as feeling like something is 'stuck' in you, and it's literally true. Trauma is when something happens that is so stressful that our brain doesn't/won't process it, so we are left with this emotional discharge floating around our neural pathways where they've tried to get in for processing and are just dead ends for the most part. Yet we are still in procession of the infrastructure. It's like taking a bad walk down memory lane or feeling like I can only choose the devil I know at best when I get locked into that stuckness.

Like I said, I've done work in these areas and have learned how
to look inward
see better what happened
to have compassion for myself
to trust that I can 'choose'
to get to know who I really am better, instead of piling belief on traumatic events, justifying what 'they' told me.

Today it feels more like recovery and healing for me.

But I can't say there aren't lots of depressed days where the battle is hard, and I have learned to accept that some days it will be sad.

After all, I'm sad for all that children that this has and does happen to, and I am part of that group of kids.....

Last year around this time, I figured out I was accepting a lot of responsibility for what happened to me, when really, there is NO WAY I'd tell a 7-16 kid they were to blame for their abuse.... It just sounded crazy once I realized it.

Here's a blog, that is also a post in SS with some reconciling from a couple years ago.

Forgiveness

And again, this one has lots in it in the later paragraphs talking about an 'ah-ha' moment in this journey:

http://www.yahooka.com/forum/guidanc...l#post51889927


Thanks for everyone for sharing with each other.

And I love you guys too


More to the topic in the OP:


I think the hard part about emotional abuse is that it's hard to document, and that is a major challenge in bring it to the forefront of justice.

HOWEVER... there are so many small ways in our daily lives that we can avoid these actions ourselves, and to keep people accountable for what they are saying.

This is one of my major issues with YaHooka sometimes. There is so much potential for good, but when I see time taken to hurt or poke another, it breaks my heart some days. And I suppose THAT is what the rant I posted in the 'old folks' home a couple months ago in Jimmy Cubes thread was all about.

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Jenna_Grows

I think emotional abuse erodes our perceptions of ourselves. Even when I didn't believe the words used, I considered myself "weak" for tolerating it. Either way, I came off feeling like I was less than I am. For what its worth, its a reflection of the abuser, not the target but that took me a long time to figure out.

Let's Chill

Very true/good point Jenna. It also took me a long time to realize that sometimes people do/say things because they are feeling quite inadequate.

mothernature

And I will add to the above:

There are those who cannot feel good about themselves unless they feel superior to those around them.

That was my situation.