JcP

Coming to Japan was something I had been thinking about doing for a few years. As with most huge decisions in my life however, the final acts of applying for a job and accepting it was spur-of-the-moment and crammed within a month.
I had just broken up with my boyfriend (again), was feeling trapped and stagnant in New York City's audition-circuit, and was generally unimpressed with what was around me. New York City separates its residents quite neatly into two groups…those who wouldn't want to live anywhere else, and those who live there "because I have to." For all its hustle and bustle, the city loses its shine for some people, and I was one of them. The subways that never come, the constant road work, the obnoxiously loud girls on their cell phones, the apathetic reception you get at even upscale restaurants…there is an inherent (and perhaps stereotypical) rudeness to New York that wears on some people.
Japan, on the other hand, has always held a mystical hold over my imagination. Perhaps based in my obsession for video games and cutting edge technology, perhaps some sort of subconscious footprint from a six week visit here around the age of 3, or perhaps simply because it seemed so much "NOT" the same, I've always wanted to come to this country and experience it for myself.
I applied and was accepted to teach english at a for-profit english school about twenty minutes outside of downtown Tokyo. I was offered a position that started much earlier than normal due to an unexpected vacancy, and was on a plane to Japan before I really even realized what was going on. On my long flight from NYC to Tokyo, I remember feeling my only pang of worry and doubt, realizing I knew no one and no-thing about where I was headed. I had read some books, learned how to say the colors and other (I'd soon come to realize) useless words from a computer-language program, and watched a few travel channel shows, but it suddenly hit me that I was basically walking into the unknown. Something scary and hard….finally. That pang of worry changed to exhilaration as soon as I realized that for all the hardships I was sure I'd have to deal with, I was more alive than I had been in years. I fell in love the second I landed.
My time in Japan has been the most adventurous, mind-expanding, and compelling year of my life. I would have laughed in your face last winter if you told me that by next year I would have eaten fish ovaries and eyeballs, climbed Mt. Fuji, and actually understood the appeal of karaoke. But I have. Each and every day in this country has presented me with something new and exciting. Lights here shine brighter. The aesthetic of things as forgettable as police uniforms make my American-trained brain go haywire at the realization that, no, America is not the only (and best) way to go. And I love every minute of it.
But far and away, the most shocking thing about Japan has been the people. I have never been surrounded by such a warm, polite, and forgiving culture. Yes, I'm still the outsider. Yes there are still some bad apples here and there. Yes my sexuality is a bit of a taboo. Yes I get stared at as the "gaijin" on the train to Ikebukuro. But the stares are not judgements…they are curiosity. Some of my local friends even flat out asked, "why would you come here?" as if to suggest their country was not respectable enough for someone from The Land of Oz/America. Which only makes me love Japan and its people more.
But besides the need for adventure and something "new," the driving force behind my journey to japan was a spiritual one. And while I was shocked to discover how non-religious most people tend to be here (at least in Tokyo), there is an inherent spirituality to almost everything done in this country that more than makes up for the lack of a classic church/pray model. I have been wrestling with my concept of God for a few years…anathema to most of my friends who shrug off the notion of God as nonchalantly as one might say no to mustard on a hotdog. Ah, New York. I, however, find the need for some form of a universal consciousness (internal or external) once I seriously looked at existence and asked "why?". I'm not arrogant enough to say I know what God is…but I do think 'it' exists. India and Japan both seem to pull on my spiritual-self, with whispers of "come here and learn, young padwan," so I finally chose Japan in the hopes of finding an answer or two…or forty.
I was teaching a private english lesson, like any other friday, when my legs started to feel a little vibration. "Is that an earthquake?" I asked, slightly excited about the prospect of being able to feel one. "I don't feel anything…" my student said. But it got a little stronger. "You don't feel that? It's an earthquake!" We both froze, slightly smiling at the strangeness and uniqueness of a mildly strong tremor. One more thing to add to my Japan memories…
But then things changed. The earthquake got stronger. And stronger. So much so that I stood up and opened the door to see what was going on. And then it started. What began as something exciting turned into something borderline-terrifying. I told my student to stand in the doorway and I hustled to the next empty one. We rocked back and forth like a small boat caught in a larger boat's wake as the building creaked and popped…surely this would end soon. But it got stronger still. I tried to think of some way to get to safety, but there wasn't one. I was completely at the mercy of, for lack of a better word, God. Finally, it stopped. And after a few minutes of nervous laughter and checking for damage, we actually finished our class.
After a few aftershocks, and the realization that this was a big deal, our office was released from work and the images now burned into the memories of so many people began to pour out on the news. Sitting in a bar with a co-worker, I looked up at the t.v. and saw a wall of black water rolling across a field…with houses in it…on fire. I watched with stunned horror as cars, little white specs speeding down a road, vanished into the black void. Entire towns just swallowed up and pushed along. Not since 9/11 (which I was also perilously close to), had I felt this feeling. It's still indescribable, but the closest I can come is surrealistic fear.
The night before the earthquake, I had written a letter to a dear family friend who was recently diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. I had burst into tears, something that I had not done in a long time, while confessing how much he had helped shape me into the man I am today. It made no sense to me…that someone as beautiful and caring as my friend could be stricken with something so pointlessly painful. Such un-loving for someone so worthy of love. Following the letter, I bitterly updated my Facebook status to read: "This status is not about me (I happen to be on an upswing)...but sometimes this world really f*cking sucks for people, and if there is a God, he needs therapy or an old fashioned ass-kicking. "he moves in mysterious ways" is a copout answer you could apply to an abusive husband too. ENOUGH."
After four days in Tokyo, dealing with aftershocks at five in the morning, the horrific stories coming from the north, and the growing threat of some sort of nuclear meltdown, I decided to evacuate to Osaka. Sitting alone in a Best Western, I remembered my status update nearly a week earlier, now buried beneath dozens of worried notes and best wishes. In retrospect, it's as if God is saying, "you think that's bad? THIS is bad." To which I respond, "No. They are both bad. And neither one is very God-like." Yes contrast is necessary to establish things. Yes we all must experience pain to understand joy. But I do not believe in the need for the continuation of duality when we have the capacity for memory. We all know what pain is. So enough now.
It's cliche to say I'm angry at God for the pain and suffering in this world. Whether it be a life-long friend who deserves better, or an entire nation that has shown me more friendship and cooperation in one year than my home country has in 27 being ravaged senselessly, I see no difference. No, I'm not angry.
I am disappointed. I'm disappointed with this world-story and universe. I'm disappointed that relativism is supposed to prove his love (IE: Im alive, so I should be grateful). But most of all, I'm disappointed that, if there is a God, he/she/it is a brat on an anthill with a magnifying glass, not a wise consciousness worthy of my adoration. "Maybe there's a reason." I call bullshit. Even if there is a reason, I call bullshit. We deserve better. The acts of heroism I see on the news are not bolstering, but saddening. Saddening because someone has to BE heroic in this cracked world we live in.
So I came to Japan, in part, to find God. But in the end, what I found was a God devoid of qualities I value in someone I would want to know. Shame on you, God. Humanity forgive him, for he knows not what he does.

__________________

Just look out around us, people fightin their wars...
They think they'll be happy when they've settled their scores...
Let's lay down our weapons
and hold us apart
be still for just a minute
try to open our hearts
MORE LOVE.

Quote:

Originally Posted by The Rev It's not what you see, it's that you're looking.

Xil

another way to say god works in mysterious ways (zen, because i think japan has some nice spirituality too):

An old Zen story goes like this: An old Chinese farmer had a mare that broke through the fence and ran away. When his neighbors learned of it, they came to the farmer and said, "What bad luck this is. You don't have a horse during planting season." The farmer listened and then replied, "Bad luck, good luck. Who knows?"

A few days later, the mare returned with two stallions. When the neighbors learned of it, they visited the farmer. "You are now a rich man. What good fortune this is," they said. The farmer listened and again replied, "Good fortune, bad fortune. Who knows?"

Later that day, the farmer's only son was thrown from one of the stallions and broke his leg. When the neighbors heard about it, they came to the farmer. "It is planting season and now there is no one to help you," they said. "This is truly bad luck." The farmer listened, and once more he said, "Bad luck, good luck. Who knows?"

The very next day, the emperor's army rode into the town and conscripted the eldest son in every family. Only the farmer's son with his broken leg remained behind. Soon the neighbors arrived. Tearfully, they said, "Yours is the only son who was not taken from his family and sent to war. What good fortune this is..."

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Sugar420

christians, jews, sikhs and moslems all talk about God in terms of what He thinks and what He likes and what Hes doing in our lives and what He said to Noah and blah blah blah. we are all in the habit of talking about God as if God is the person that watches everyone and controls everything that humans dont have control of.

so we are in the habit of thinking about God as if God is a person.
some, perhaps most religious people praise God for everything good but absolve God of any responsibility for the bad things that happen.
this is a problem because God is not a person.
God is not an old white guy with a beard,
or and entity that exists somewhere in space,
not a kid on an ant hill with a magnifying glass
nor a powerful spirit who could fix everything up but choses not to.

even if we deny God's personhood, isnt God ultimately the cause and the source of the earth, the earthquake and the tsunami? yes i guess so.

but is it fair to blame the source of the universe for these disasters?
because if it is a question of finding someone to blame, then i dont think its worth putting energy into that direction of thinking.

people that live in california all talk about "the big one" meaning the really big earthquake that everyone knows is going to happen sooner or later.
i am also hearing from Japanese people that everyone living right next to the ocean knew that something like this could happen.

but if i live in a trailer park in tornado alley and my home is destroyed, or worse i loose a family member because of a tornado, does it make sense for me to shake my fist at the sky demanding "how could you let this happen you bastard!?!"

im sorry that none of that really helps the hurt and the tragedy of the situation, which is real suffering. but as horrible as this whole event is, it would be good to recognize that rejecting the conception of God as the controller that makes/lets things happen is real growth.

people say, "i cant believe in a God who lets these things happen" and they are absolutely right. you shouldnt believe in that God, because that is just as false as it seems to be.
because of our habit of talking and thinking of God as a person who does things and says thing, it can take a major shake up of reality, or an extremly intense experience to break us out of that habit and show us that such a God is really not God at all.

Xil

Theodicy - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Problem of evil - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


maybe useful. and this is from an atheist who loves jesus, so no im not trying to sway you either or any way
just have some

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JcP

the existence of tornado alley is the problem. And yes, it does make sense to me at least.

I respect your faith v3d4. I disagree.

__________________

Just look out around us, people fightin their wars...
They think they'll be happy when they've settled their scores...
Let's lay down our weapons
and hold us apart
be still for just a minute
try to open our hearts
MORE LOVE.

Quote:

Originally Posted by The Rev It's not what you see, it's that you're looking.

my_scatterheart

Do you need to have a reason?

__________________
Be mindful even if your mind is full. -J. De La Vega

JcP

since there are immovable rules and laws that supercede my supposed "free will" to choose the life I wish, yes, I require a reason or a purpose.

If I am limited, I should be told why. This isn't the point of my post however. My point is that even if there is a reason, I don't find this 'game of life' to be based in love (edit): enough to warrant my adoration for its creator/director.

I spent the day today at the Osaka aquarium and was floored with the beauty and magnificence of the sea life. Some of the jellyfish took my breath away at how miraculous their existence is.

But as I said before, relativism does not cut it for me anymore. Just because there is beauty does not excuse the destruction. Just because there is so much in this world to love and cherish, does not allow the pain and suffering to be swept under the rug or excused through vague proclaimations like "we cannot know the true purpose of things" or "it will be alright in the end."

I guess I'm just tired of this storyteller (and I assume there is one since I am not able to tell any story I want).

__________________

Just look out around us, people fightin their wars...
They think they'll be happy when they've settled their scores...
Let's lay down our weapons
and hold us apart
be still for just a minute
try to open our hearts
MORE LOVE.

Quote:

Originally Posted by The Rev It's not what you see, it's that you're looking.

my_scatterheart

Was just curious about your need for an explanation, I guess. I found great dismay in a lot of the answers I had found, but later realized that I didn't need those answers. I think sometimes common societal questions get posed so often that we start to believe that they are questions that all of man must think on. When in reality they held no relevance or weight to me. I'm certain you're not this type, but was just kind of thinking out loud I guess. Helps me to understand a person much more if I can see more clearly WHY they're interested in a particular question/answer. Your need for these kinds of answers regarding god seems more inherent/true than most I encounter, was looking for a source. Limitation bit pretty much filled in the blanks, thanks. .. /tangents

__________________
Be mindful even if your mind is full. -J. De La Vega

Geeno

Glad you're okay

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SageTree

JcP, I'm glad that you are okay. I can't offer you definitiveness about God. I think v3d4 touched nice and close to my sentiments on the subject however.
Maybe that's now how you see it, and I doubt any of my words will sway your opinion, which isn't my intent anyways.

I'm sorry that you are having a hard time all the same, though.

Xil also touched on something I believe, which is that ''How can we know-ness''.
What came to my mind was something very helpful to me.
I put in my blog here at YaHooka.
I thought this was a good summarizing of mindfulness, how it can help us transform our perspective and unbind the attachments of our mind.

I'm not saying this is an absolute cure, but if I'm not mistaken, you have some 'eastern' tendencies spiritually in you, and I hope that you take a chance to read the whole article and try to place yourself in it, that it makes sense to you.

It might not help you know how you feel about God, but I hope it helps you feel more grounded while you sort out your questions.






*edit: It's not my intention to "sweep anything away", or "to hold out for hope" or accept "not knowing the big picture." The cliche of 'the beauty in the eye of the beholder' is more what I'm thinking. We can't change what happens a lot of the time, especially in things like this, but we can change and transform how we reflect on our feelings and how we process what is going on. We can't save the world, but we can help each other through it. So I'm not saying, 'suck it up' at all. It's okay to use up some energy on this, because it does stink. My hope is that this will help you really fill yourself up with gratitude, as often as you can, and know where and what to place your time & energy so that you have more to work with when you're not feeling so grateful or when it's not instantly apparent. *

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Mafoo

i love your writing style jcp. i have a few things to add later on

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PLUR
For once you have tasted flight you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skywards, for there you have been and there you will long to return

JcP

Thank you for your thoughtful post Sage. As always, you bring a lot of poignancy and make me think. Arigatogozaimashita.

From your perspective, can you distinguish for me the difference between "beauty is in the eye of the beholder"/the prospect of using perception to transform what's going on and asking a rape victim to look on the bright side?

__________________

Just look out around us, people fightin their wars...
They think they'll be happy when they've settled their scores...
Let's lay down our weapons
and hold us apart
be still for just a minute
try to open our hearts
MORE LOVE.

Quote:

Originally Posted by The Rev It's not what you see, it's that you're looking.

SageTree

Thanks, You're welcome very much.

I don't think 'seeing the bright side' is exactly what I feel I am getting at, if you don't mind me saying so, could you rephrase that and cut to the heart of what you're asking?


*Edit*
I'll see if I can work with the example you've provided.....

What I'm getting at is that, the 'beauty' is when we find our power and the ability to change the perception of what we can. It doesn't make ALL things beautiful, but a bucket fills one drop at a time.

There is:
What happened
The story we tell ourselves
Truest Self

We're in control of how we reflect on that thing that stands between our best self and what happened....THE STORY.

This is essentially the 'link' in the chain that the Buddha was talking about being able to break.....



What I would say to a rape victim would NEVER be 'see the bright side of this'.... that is not what I said, I'm sorry if you read anything that I said that way.

If they came for counseling I would congratulate them for getting help and assist them in seeing that action as a power (or a beautiful thing with in them).

My Wife, who is a sexual abuse counselor, calls this 'holding someones power for them'.

Her motto on counseling is, 'I can walk with you where you want to go, but can't take you there' ...

So it's a support that helps people get their own legs back, so to speak, rather than carrying them to where you think they should be and all the long helping them find the power and meaning they have in their life. Sometimes the movement take a long long time in that journey.

The "seeing the choice" that you can maneuver your perception, see them differently, IS the 'beauty', even when the world isn't beautiful.

Follow me so far?




Impermanence is a double edge sword.

While it causes the death of many things we love, it can also put to death or heal in time the tragedies that keep us stuck in our story.

So to the rape victim, I would never say 'see the bright side', I'd just help them feel confident enough to keep their heads up, so when something good does happen they won't miss it and can practice gratitude.... adding a little fuel... and little hope..... to healing. And one step closer to not being stuck and clinging. Life is a mix of emotions.

You aren't doing 'just good' or 'just bad' ..... sometimes when you are mourning something's passing, you see something that still makes you laugh..... That is okay.... THAT is the beauty... the ability not to be stuck in the way you think you are or ought to be.

I hope that's a little clear.

Rape and Trauma aren't something I can easily wrap up in a small post... that can take a life time to heal and that's A LOT of hypothetical posting
That is why i was hesitant.

Lots of Love man. At the core of all this is wanting to help, not to tell you that you feel 'wrong'. You can only feel and practice choosing. Over and Over.... and that is pretty much how life goes.


Specifically, I picked this quote because I feel it's so true.

Stuff happens, not necessarily to I, me or my, but we sure do a good job of making it seem that way..... that's the story between I mentioned earlier and pretty often we're very hard on ourselves, which just grows and affirms the story.



You are in a pretty heavy situation right now, and maybe not in THE safest or secure place to be with all of this.

Be kind to youself as you work on figuring out this in your head and in knowing what to do next.
Like I said.. you have a big heart, and I can say in my experience that means it get hurt more easily sometimes.

It's said "Our enemy can be our greatest teachers" and perhaps you'll experience a way to deeply connect with life and it's meaning because of this?

"Hatred can't be overcome with Hate, Only Love can conquer. This is an ancient Law, inexhaustible"



In loving kindness,
SageTree

__________________

Sugar420

i wish i had said this as clearly

JcP

hey Sage, thank you for the reply.

"look on the bright side" to me is the same thing as "beauty is in the eye of the beholder." The only difference is in the relation to what is being discussed (that painting is beautiful/at least it's not ugly). I didn't mean to put words in your mouth or anything, and should have probably stayed with the same "phrase" in my question so we didn't loose each other in the wordage.

To be clearer, you said: "to to the rape victim, I would never say 'see the bright side', I'd just help them feel confident enough to keep their heads up, so when something good does happen they won't miss it and can practice gratitude."

And I guess that's the answer I was looking for. Arigato.

As I said earlier, I went to the Osaka Aquarium yesterday and was surrounded by some of the coolest animals I've ever seen. I was so happy to see such beauty and life in all its (weird as fuck) variations.

But that brings me back to my original point and also my brain's problem with your answer.

I am tired of filling up my bucket one drop at a time. Especially if someone is actively squeezing the faucet preventing me from filling up the bucket faster.
The issue is not an inability to see the love in this world. Believe me, I do every single day. And I am VERY grateful for all that has been given to me.

So to use my analogy better: pretend I am in an abusive relationship...I'm Whitney, and you're BOBBAY!
I wake up in the morning and you've made me breakfast. And I thank you. Then when I'm in the shower, you break into the bathroom and slap me just for fun. Then an hour later, you buy me a beautiful necklace. And I thank you. But then you choke me with it. Then you kiss me sweeter than ever before. And I thank you. But then later than night you decide to pull my hair every 5 seconds for an hour. Then you tell me you love me. And I thank you. Then you ignore me.

At what point is this kind of bipolar relationship with someone do you say "enough" ? At what point is "beauty is in the eye of the beholder" a fault, rather than a virtue.

"Hatred can't be overcome with Hate, Only Love can conquer. This is an ancient Law, inexhaustible"


Oh so true. Someone should mention that to the man upstairs.


edit: these feelings, by the way, are not coming from a place of depression or feeling sorry for myself/ourselves or anything like that.

I've just come to realize that if there is an external God who created things, I think that based on his actions he's someone I will not be "dating" again.

__________________

Just look out around us, people fightin their wars...
They think they'll be happy when they've settled their scores...
Let's lay down our weapons
and hold us apart
be still for just a minute
try to open our hearts
MORE LOVE.

Quote:

Originally Posted by The Rev It's not what you see, it's that you're looking.

Jenna_Grows

What if god is not external?

JcP

^^ absolutely possible.

"I have been wrestling with my concept of God for a few years…anathema to most of my friends who shrug off the notion of God as nonchalantly as one might say no to mustard on a hotdog. Ah, New York. I, however, find the need for some form of a universal consciousness (internal or external) once I seriously looked at existence and asked "why?"."


my point is that if there is an external power (which my gut tells me there is), I'm disappointed in his/her/it's actions.

__________________

Just look out around us, people fightin their wars...
They think they'll be happy when they've settled their scores...
Let's lay down our weapons
and hold us apart
be still for just a minute
try to open our hearts
MORE LOVE.

Quote:

Originally Posted by The Rev It's not what you see, it's that you're looking.

SageTree

You know Jenna... I'm glad you said so.

I was sitting here looking at what I had written, which include a section about 'non-dual' ideas, because I feel that, for myself, is the flaw in the idea of God , speaking for myself.

Feeling like the bucket isn't filling up fast enough, in my eyes, is an inward concern dealing with wanting/desire/patience... These are normal things we all deal with.

So IMO, 'the hand' that is cutting off the water to the bucket is our own perceptions, our Self and our ideas of It.

And that closely follows in my line of thinking the Jung quote 'we are the enemy to be loved', which is an expounding on the words of Jesus....

It's cliche and Sagan-y, but we ARE the Universe experiencing It's Self.

Co-Creators, so to speak, as we form our reality every day, even though we don't control what happens in it in all ways, necessarily, we do have some bearing and perhaps a practice that helps us touch Our power to transform, to ascend.

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SageTree

Word.... Well.... based on the Monty Python hand of God coming down in Form, I think you're spot on...


If that is what you believe I can see how you are angry, frustrated etc....
But if that isn't how you experience God, then dig deeper.
There are a lot of other opinions about what God isn't and is, including yours.

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Jenna_Grows

Yes, I've held on to beliefs that God was external. For me, that concept perpetuated a home to house dense energy. I kept anger and this feeling of low self worth alive. I mean, if God is external and he picked ME to reign down this shit storm, I must be worth little to him. How can that be love? Jeeze, next time, I'll take a pass thanks.

I think your higher self is trying to tell you something. Interesting that in the middle of all the turbulents you find yourself in, you saw such beauty at the aquarium.