MotherFUCKING Cancer!!!!!!!!! (A blog from a man living with death and cancer)

**SageTree** · 05-12-2011, 07:16 AM

This is not particularly earth shattering or mind blowing, but rather simply the thoughts of a man reflecting on what his life was and some hopes for those left behind.

I'm not sure what the point in exactly in sharing this or what I hope to talk about, but I was touched by this and it's simplicity. I've lost some family members to cancer and have had others survive for many many years (blessed be).

I suppose death is something I ponder from time to time, the mini-deaths we experience each second, smaller than we can imagine, as we move through our moments, and also the seemingly more final act of Death or End of Life in this plane.

I consider my own and those people I Love who fill mine up and those who have filled it up. I've suddenly and very unexpectedly experienced deaths of family and friends, and I'd say at the times when it happened that I was knocked down hard and held there. However, there has been deaths that one could say are quite expected and the moments I've been able to spend with those people before their passing have given me courage and solace, but have also seen less than graceful passings as well that have left me shaken.

There has been enough losses for me to be able to consider and contrast them. I'm not exactly sure that its necessary to outline the realizations I have had at this point of the conversation.

But I WILL say that in looking Death in the face, 3 times in my own being, and at those of others, I've come to realize that gazing upon Dying, is mostly a reflection on Life and what it means to be alive.
Secondly, on that note, that living a life with as few'a regrets as possible, so when that moment comes for you or w/ others, that there is a greater chance of peace and calm....

So I'll leave it at that for now. And let Derek share what he has to say.

Here is a link, which is under 'categories' on the side bar, with posts reflecting on the experience of cancer and dying. Although, it's only fair to mention that there are TONS of other unrelated reflections on his life spanning 10 years.

Quote:

The last post
By Derek on May 4, 2011 7:51 AM

Here it is. I'm dead, and this is my last post to my blog. In advance, I asked that once my body finally shut down from the punishments of my cancer, then my family and friends publish this prepared message I wrote—the first part of the process of turning this from an active website to an archive.

If you knew me at all in real life, you probably heard the news already from another source, but however you found out, consider this a confirmation: I was born on June 30, 1969 in Vancouver, Canada, and I died in Burnaby on May 3, 2011, age 41, of complications from stage 4 metastatic colorectal cancer. We all knew this was coming.

That includes my family and friends, and my parents Hilkka and Juergen Karl. My daughters Lauren, age 11, and Marina, who's 13, have known as much as we could tell them since I first found I had cancer. It's become part of their lives, alas.

Airdrie

Of course it includes my wife Airdrie (née Hislop). Both born in Metro Vancouver, we graduated from different high schools in 1986 and studied Biology at UBC, where we met in '88. At a summer job working as park naturalists that year, I flipped the canoe Air and I were paddling and we had to push it to shore.

We shared some classes, then lost touch. But a few years later, in 1994, I was still working on campus. Airdrie spotted my name and wrote me a letter—yes! paper!—and eventually (I was trying to be a full-time musician, so chaos was about) I wrote her back. From such seeds a garden blooms: it was March '94, and by August '95 we were married. I have never had second thoughts, because we have always been good together, through worse and bad and good and great.

However, I didn't think our time together would be so short: 23 years from our first meeting (at Kanaka Creek Regional Park, I'm pretty sure) until I died? Not enough. Not nearly enough.

What was at the end

I haven't gone to a better place, or a worse one. I haven't gone anyplace, because Derek doesn't exist anymore. As soon as my body stopped functioning, and the neurons in my brain ceased firing, I made a remarkable transformation: from a living organism to a corpse, like a flower or a mouse that didn't make it through a particularly frosty night. The evidence is clear that once I died, it was over.

So I was unafraid of death—of the moment itself—and of what came afterwards, which was (and is) nothing. As I did all along, I remained somewhat afraid of the process of dying, of increasing weakness and fatigue, of pain, of becoming less and less of myself as I got there. I was lucky that my mental faculties were mostly unaffected over the months and years before the end, and there was no sign of cancer in my brain—as far as I or anyone else knew.

As a kid, when I first learned enough subtraction, I figured out how old I would be in the momentous year 2000. The answer was 31, which seemed pretty old. Indeed, by the time I was 31 I was married and had two daughters, and I was working as a technical writer and web guy in the computer industry. Pretty grown up, I guess.

Yet there was much more to come. I had yet to start this blog, which recently turned 10 years old. I wasn't yet back playing drums with my band, nor was I a podcaster (since there was no podcasting, nor an iPod for that matter). In techie land, Google was fresh and new, Apple remained "beleaguered," Microsoft was large and in charge, and Facebook and Twitter were several years from existing at all. The Mars rovers Spirit and Opportunity were three years away from launch, while the Cassini-Huygens probe was not quite half-way to Saturn. The human genome hadn't quite been mapped yet.

The World Trade Center towers still stood in New York City. Jean Chrétien remained Prime Minister of Canada, Bill Clinton President of the U.S.A., and Tony Blair Prime Minister of the U.K.—while Saddam Hussein, Hosni Mubarak, Kim Jong-Il, Ben Ali, and Moammar Qaddafi held power in Iraq, Egypt, North Korea, Tunisia, and Libya.

In my family in 2000, my cousin wouldn't have a baby for another four years. My other cousin was early in her relationship with the man who is now her husband. Sonia, with whom my mother had been lifelong friends (ever since they were both nine), was still alive. So was my Oma, my father's mom, who was then 90 years old. Neither my wife nor I had ever needed long-term hospitalization—not yet. Neither of our children was out of diapers, let alone taking photographs, writing stories, riding bikes and horses, posting on Facebook, or outgrowing her mother's shoe size. We didn't have a dog.

And I didn't have cancer. I had no idea I would get it, certainly not in the next decade, or that it would kill me.

Missing out

Why do I mention all this stuff? Because I've come to realize that, at any time, I can lament what I will never know, yet still not regret what got me where I am. I could have died in 2000 (at an "old" 31) and been happy with my life: my amazing wife, my great kids, a fun job, and hobbies I enjoyed. But I would have missed out on a lot of things.

And many things will now happen without me. As I wrote this, I hardly knew what most of them could even be. What will the world be like as soon as 2021, or as late as 2060, when I would have been 91, the age my Oma reached? What new will we know? How will countries and people have changed? How will we communicate and move around? Whom will we admire, or despise?

What will my wife Air be doing? My daughters Marina and Lolo? What will they have studied, how will they spend their time and earn a living? Will my kids have children of their own? Grandchildren? Will there be parts of their lives I'd find hard to comprehend right now?

What to know, now that I'm dead

There can't be answers today. While I was still alive writing this, I was sad to know I'll miss these things—not because I won't be able to witness them, but because Air, Marina, and Lauren won't have me there to support their efforts.

It turns out that no one can imagine what's really coming in our lives. We can plan, and do what we enjoy, but we can't expect our plans to work out. Some of them might, while most probably won't. Inventions and ideas will appear, and events will occur, that we could never foresee. That's neither bad nor good, but it is real.

I think and hope that's what my daughters can take from my disease and death. And that my wonderful, amazing wife Airdrie can see too. Not that they could die any day, but that they should pursue what they enjoy, and what stimulates their minds, as much as possible—so they can be ready for opportunities, as well as not disappointed when things go sideways, as they inevitably do.

I've also been lucky. I've never had to wonder where my next meal will come from. I've never feared that a foreign army will come in the night with machetes or machine guns to kill or injure my family. I've never had to run for my life (something I could never do now anyway). Sadly, these are things some people have to do every day right now.

A wondrous place

The world, indeed the whole universe, is a beautiful, astonishing, wondrous place. There is always more to find out. I don't look back and regret anything, and I hope my family can find a way to do the same.

What is true is that I loved them. Lauren and Marina, as you mature and become yourselves over the years, know that I loved you and did my best to be a good father.

Airdrie, you were my best friend and my closest connection. I don't know what we'd have been like without each other, but I think the world would be a poorer place. I loved you deeply, I loved you, I loved you, I loved you.

please excuse salty language (the day he was diagnosed)

I hope that you and all those in your life lead long happy and healthy days.

Bless you all for being in mine.
SageTree

headsrnice · 05-12-2011, 08:18 AM

Thank you Sage for posting this. This has to be one more reflective pieces of writing I've read in some time. It's amazing the battles each and every one of us go through each and everyday whether it's with ourselves, others, disease, war or anything. I've never lost anyone close to me to cancer but many to heart disease. Most have been unexpected and have left me feeling almost empty inside. This is why many of the lessons I've learned in life have not come from the possesions attained or aquired but from the irreplacable people and things I've lost. It's hearing stories like this that help me to not forget many of those things while I go about life. Even after losing those close to me I'll be the first to admit there are things I fail to appreciate and be grateful for each and everyday. I continue to hope to live each day in pursuit of the inner peace we all strive for and on the day I leave this world that I leave it a better place than when it was given to me. I hope everyone, especially those in a dark point of their life can find it in themselves to look at life as a blessing and not a curse.

The Rev · 05-12-2011, 11:43 AM

Cancer is horrible to watch, too.

The Rev

my_scatterheart · 05-12-2011, 12:39 PM

^It's true. But you know what, if everyone involved has the right attitude it has the opportunity to be one of the strongest teachers in life.

**SageTree** · 05-12-2011, 01:20 PM

Thanks for giving this a read folks.

**SageTree** · 05-12-2011, 02:15 PM

Perhaps it's a tad cliche, but I wish to share something that has a lot of meaning to me on the topic of considering death and dying as a means to clarify life.

The Tibetan Book of the Dead is a manual for passing through life's bardos, of which death is believed to also be one.

Here,the narrator (Leonard Cohen), taken out of context of the whole documentary, seems to lead us here in the direction that this teaching is more about leaving this life, than living it.

So as you watch I invited you to consider the 'mini-death' I mentioned earlier, the one from moment to moment in our life, like a film, frame to frame, but seemingly one long exposure and imagine these questions and experiences ,posed here, happening in that instant to instant throughout our life, living these thoughts as a practice of Being Awake and Alive.

YouTube - The Tibetan Book of the Dead Clip #1 - Teachings

This is from the beginning of the doc I'll mention below.

And that is one remarkable consideration about the Book's message that has been valuable to me.

Thought it seemed like a timely offering.

If you are interested there is a two documentaries that are roughly 45 mins long.

The first 45ish mins are called, 'The Tibetan Book of the Dead: A Way of Life' and takes you through the teachings and how it's Lived and embraced as a way of Being, preparing for Death, so to speak, which inevitably will bleed into the way we pass through the bardos up to that point.... which is our life here on Earth in this body.

Around 47:00 the next doc. starts which is called, 'The Tibetan Book of the Dead: The Great Liberation' It walks you through the actual reading of the text to the dying and their family as the person leaves all the bardos this mind-body can experience, and stays with then until they have been believed to have found a new 'home'.

Tibetan book of the dead

For now, I'll close.
SageTree

Cerpin Taxt · 05-16-2011, 09:09 AM

Happen to watch the Canucks game last night Sage? CBC aired a report on Derek Miller after the game which covered how big his blog had become and the situation in general.

They interviewed his wife, who apparently has only skimmed through it and heard a few quotes... she's not quite ready to read the whole thing yet.

It's fantastic to see how many people this story has touched. Such clarity and openness in the face of death is truly reflective of our collective desire for peace and appreciation for what is, rather than lament and anger for what is not.

**SageTree** · 05-16-2011, 09:16 AM

I did catch the game, but sadly I missed that report. It was pretty late at that point.
What'd they say? Anything in particular that stood out?

I got the link from a friends FB page a while ago, and I was instantly hooked on his words, and I think it's such a great offering to leave the world. I am thankful to Derek.

I can't imagine his Wife would read it, but Lord that has to be a white elephant for sure.... Maybe in enough time she will... and maybe it'll help her actually?

Fantastic closing words my Friend.

05-12-2011, 11:43 AM	#3 (permalink)
The Rev Clear Light Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: In my head, somewhere. Posts: 17,865 Thanks: 5,018 Thanked 5,420 Times in 2,865 Posts	Cancer is horrible to watch, too. The Rev __________________ Budforce - My Friend August 29, 1973- May 25, 2012

05-12-2011, 12:39 PM	#4 (permalink)
my_scatterheart Today, I am alive. Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: NJ Posts: 3,565 Thanks: 1,486 Thanked 3,328 Times in 1,870 Posts	^It's true. But you know what, if everyone involved has the right attitude it has the opportunity to be one of the strongest teachers in life. __________________ Be mindful even if your mind is full. -J. De La Vega

05-12-2011, 01:20 PM	#5 (permalink)
SageTree ~Kalyāṇa-mitrā~ Join Date: Sep 2000 Location: In Love Posts: 23,414 Blog Entries: 26 Thanks: 13,070 Thanked 6,768 Times in 4,664 Posts	Thanks for giving this a read folks. __________________ "What's oppressive is letting your life be confined by old definitions of what everything is." -Zen Meister my_scatterheart YaHooka is.... Cannabis lovers from around the world pulling up a comfy chair, picking up a vaporizer, a bong, a brownie, a pipe, or a joint, getting high, stoned, buzzed or healthy. Uniting our minds in conversation...While Portraying a Positive Image of marijuana and marijuana users to the world. Treat your fellow YaHookans with kindness,respect and tolerance.

05-16-2011, 09:09 AM	#7 (permalink)
Cerpin Taxt Yahookan Zealot Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: Canada Posts: 7,213 Blog Entries: 1 Thanks: 843 Thanked 1,919 Times in 1,011 Posts	Happen to watch the Canucks game last night Sage? CBC aired a report on Derek Miller after the game which covered how big his blog had become and the situation in general. They interviewed his wife, who apparently has only skimmed through it and heard a few quotes... she's not quite ready to read the whole thing yet. It's fantastic to see how many people this story has touched. Such clarity and openness in the face of death is truly reflective of our collective desire for peace and appreciation for what is, rather than lament and anger for what is not. __________________ Step Back. Evaluate. Recognize. "All memory is really a form of regurgitation of undigested experience." -Alan Watts

05-16-2011, 09:16 AM	#8 (permalink)
SageTree ~Kalyāṇa-mitrā~ Join Date: Sep 2000 Location: In Love Posts: 23,414 Blog Entries: 26 Thanks: 13,070 Thanked 6,768 Times in 4,664 Posts	I did catch the game, but sadly I missed that report. It was pretty late at that point. What'd they say? Anything in particular that stood out? I got the link from a friends FB page a while ago, and I was instantly hooked on his words, and I think it's such a great offering to leave the world. I am thankful to Derek. I can't imagine his Wife would read it, but Lord that has to be a white elephant for sure.... Maybe in enough time she will... and maybe it'll help her actually? Fantastic closing words my Friend. __________________ "What's oppressive is letting your life be confined by old definitions of what everything is." -Zen Meister my_scatterheart YaHooka is.... Cannabis lovers from around the world pulling up a comfy chair, picking up a vaporizer, a bong, a brownie, a pipe, or a joint, getting high, stoned, buzzed or healthy. Uniting our minds in conversation...While Portraying a Positive Image of marijuana and marijuana users to the world. Treat your fellow YaHookans with kindness,respect and tolerance.

05-12-2011, 08:18 AM	#2 (permalink)
headsrnice YaHookan Join Date: Jun 2010 Posts: 323 Thanks: 274 Thanked 61 Times in 46 Posts	Thank you Sage for posting this. This has to be one more reflective pieces of writing I've read in some time. It's amazing the battles each and every one of us go through each and everyday whether it's with ourselves, others, disease, war or anything. I've never lost anyone close to me to cancer but many to heart disease. Most have been unexpected and have left me feeling almost empty inside. This is why many of the lessons I've learned in life have not come from the possesions attained or aquired but from the irreplacable people and things I've lost. It's hearing stories like this that help me to not forget many of those things while I go about life. Even after losing those close to me I'll be the first to admit there are things I fail to appreciate and be grateful for each and everyday. I continue to hope to live each day in pursuit of the inner peace we all strive for and on the day I leave this world that I leave it a better place than when it was given to me. I hope everyone, especially those in a dark point of their life can find it in themselves to look at life as a blessing and not a curse.

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