Bit_Roller

been a while since i wrote here

i know its long but i just needed an outlet (i hope i don't short circuit )

the last time i wrote i found out my mother had cancer

she passed, then it was just me and my pops.. things didn't go over well i had anger towards him / the world. i just bottled it. As with everything thing emotional i would bottle it/ hide it/ feel ashamed

It was a something that was learned. I am unlearning/ re-educating now

I had gone though tough emotions. Drugs helped me in this manner. weed / acid / x and even speed i found helped me (i know this is harmful but when your on an edge you'll grab for anything to help you.)

Im still becoming more aware referring to how i used to perceive things and how i do now

But what i want to discuss is a dream i had and how it was traumatic, but hope was the only emotion to grab hold of me.

ill try to explain the dream

my mother and i are shopping at a super market.(brand name store) we were done shopping and she was heading to the check out when i stopped her and said i needed to grab something that i wanted (desired). she said ok shell go get the car (my car was a manual she couldn't drive it in real life but in the dream that was not an issue)

so i ran back to an aisle to grab the item( not sure what it was(because in the end it doesn't matter) then on my way back i was stopped by my employer (in real life hes my boss from a tech company i worked for a few years back. )

He owned this supermarket in the dream, (and it was a normal thing to me in the dream) he told me that he needed me to work today( (it was my day off so i decided to shop with my mom).

i wanted to say no, i rather stay with my mom and do things i felt were more important.(in real life im a loner type i don't care if i don't see my family/friends for months, i just care if they are safe/alive, i prefer little human interaction since i find people ... too materialistic... hard for me to explain. but i feel the word sheepole fits the description)


i paid for the food bagged it then went out since i worried my mother would be impatient for the wait(the boss stopping me to ask me to work that day). i knew she would say it didn't bother her but i felt like it did even if she didn't give any hints

i saw my car and how it had a huge coolant leak coming out the front and the passenger wheel in the front broke off and the car was slanting.

i grew worried but thought oh well it should be an easy fix so i walked in front of the car and only then noticed how the car was missing the drivers half of the car ... but the car was still whole.. kinda sorta......

i then dropped the bags i was holding then tremendous fear and horror struck me... all i could think about was finding my mom and hoping everything was alright.. so i looked around... ran all over the parking lot yelling at the top of my lungs MOM!! MOM!!!!! a number of times.... there was other people yelling cars were colliding but there was also calm... the people were both sane and insane... yelling and talking ....robbing ... but helping ... it was strange but normal... people looked at me but continued with the affairs as if i didn't matter...

i woke up in the middle of a fear ranting yelling out mom (not out loud)
but i woke up and felt.... calm happy content... my heart was still beating fast as hell. but i felt as if everything was/will be ok.

ok... so that was a few months ago

now for the past week...

i heard the news of elenin (comet elenin)
i checked it out and found lots of stories/ theory's ..

i realized it was acomet but theres something werid about the whole thing

so i kept searching and found out about the dogon peoplethey are a tribe in africa that hold onto a old advanced knowledge

i think i also understand the myan calender a bit better because of the research aswell

then things started to click...

i seamed to understand most of what the dogon said
the energies and/or Bayuali and Yennu

its fascinating how much knowledge the ancient world contained and keep secret but what was shared would later be agreed on my scientist.

anyhow for the first few days this week i had thoughts of floods and earthquakes
end of the world shit

then i started to see a clear picture...

i still dont know what will happen
but
i can say that there seams to be alot of fear mongering and censorship

i cant put all my thoughts into this but i feel as if everything will be ok...... but the dogon left an impression on me and watching the interview and exposing myself to different conspiracies i started making connections in the world, and i feel hope( like what i felt when i awoke from that dream. and even connected my newfound information to parts of the dream.... the dream makes sense to me now.

to me the dream means(simplified of course) :

love is important .. not love in the way thats driven into us by the media but love respect of people/things of the world

greed is rampant.. corruption everywhere.... but.. we could change it if we wanted to

what we find of value.... is snake oil or entrapment circles....

we lost something and we dont know where it is...

theres signs of trouble everywhere... but stay true to wat matters and you'll be fine

amongst other things.....

anyhow i just wanted to put this down in writing somewhere ....

sorry for babbling on

ps
i also had a strong feeling that i should try to become an archaeologist.. it was almost over whelming. but i convinced myself that i shouldn't...

but now i see they found more pyramids ... hmm should i try to find a way in? should i see my options for finding a way to be part of the team of people to unearth them? perhaps i should, maybe i will.

ok ok ill stop typing...
thanks if you were able to read everything... but i left out so much.... but i cant put it into words...

anyhow... im gonna go enjoy a nice green sticky icky with no brown shitty tabby and a coffie... maybe an egg or two... hmmmmm sunny side up...

btw i hope to god i put this in the right forum


i will re re edit when im not so blitz since everything i read i could expand on it or explain it different...
lol ok it has been re re edited and it is now time to grab a java and smoke

SageTree

Thanks for sharing that man. I read it and I'm not exactly sure what all to say.

I'm REALLY sorry you lost your Mom dude.... I can't even imagine.
It's good you've worked through some things and I'm sure the dreams are just part of that.

Maybe if you come back here you could try to help me understand a little more concisely what you are saying.

I feel like maybe you wrapped up 2 or 3 posts worth of material up into one?

Sometimes typing out stuff, even if it doesn't make sense completely, can still provide some clarity for us as the thoughts wash over our neural pathways and the words split out of our hearts and into our fingers.



SageTree

__________________

Bit_Roller

--warning-- im blitzed so it may be hard to follow my train of thought

i did notice a few typos in my first post lol
sorry if it got confusing im going to clear up asap

but the basics of what i was rambling on about was that after everything that happened in my life, i started to see how everything was connected.

i tried to explain 2 years worth of my life in one post....

to sum up what i was getting to was that i understand that the way the world is currently set up we are destined to destory our selfs.

i felt like my mother(in my very vivid dream) was pointing my attention to how everyone is "trained". we care mostly about our material stuff's , money, cars. what mattters in the end is how we treat others.

in the end what matters is the people who you are close too. that car or house wont mean shit. but what you did with you life will. how would you like to be remembered?

we work day after day. slowly killing this planet all so we could gain wealth and fancy toys. but it all ends in the trash

the worst thing is we are aware of this... but still continue to do it. why? because we are trapped in this system. you need to do your part, even if you dont agree with it, otherwise you'll be punished

at work when im throwing out the trash i feel like leaving it there by the door. not because of being lazy but because im disgusted . the amount of wast that builds up in our society is disgusting

but i continue day in and day out throw away things that should have never even become wast in the first place.

it pisses me off that toys can be made that break within a day of having it...

plastic pallet wraps

then all the ads that are thrown away when they finish promoting there product,

once my company threw away around 100 of bikes cause the were missing pieces or scratched.



theses are all the thoughts that are coming to my mind since my parents passing

its a mess in here (referring to my mind)lol but i think im still sane.. or am i?

when i think of my mother i remember:
how she never turned away someone in need
she saved one persons life that i know of
she extended my uncles life by looking after him( his kids milked him for his money and he was alone no one to care for him in his final years)
she was a saint to me. (but you realize this only when they are gone.)




as for my father... well yin yang right? he was the supplier of money but thats all i credit him for.

i had a lucid.. vivid dream.. it was unlike anyother i ever had. i didnt understand it at first.

now months later i feel i can piece it together. i think it was about how i need to change, how everyone needs to change. we are trapped and dont even know it. look at human history. or history has been shaped changed lied about but one this is a constent : we are being held back on purpose

we need to get out of this money driven world

i like the idea of contributionism
i see that as the future
otherwise we are stuck in this loop where secret circles(gov's corporations, etc) decide whats best for them(people) regardless of the impact of the actions(on the earth)

i gotta end this post cause i feel as if i could go on forever.... because only fragments of what i want to say come out because im racing to the next subject on my mind.

Bit_Roller

lemme know if the previous post needs clarity and if i helped at all with clearing up the first one

chilling to bob

HTAM

You 'woke up', man.

No joke.

Honor your Mom as often as you can through actions and decisions that your life and those of others will benefit from. And forgive yourself when you don't, because she always would.

Your car with the flat tire-cars usually represent the stability in our lives, and you seeing the car with the leak and the flat tire, the driver compartment empty....that's your mind processing this loss.

I once had a dream about driving across the desert. The hood of the car kept popping open and flying back on the windshield. After the third time of stopping the car, getting out and pushing the hood back down, I noticed something.

One of the corners was sort of peeling up. When I pulled on it, I started to see something white. So I kept pulling all the paint off in these large strips and suddenly, I had this nice clean untouched white hood on my car.

It was a new canvas to start painting on. This dream was days after a very traumatic event in my life-one that really screwed with my idea of the future. Like yours.

Just keep listening. Things might not make sense right now, but we will help you figure them out if you share them with us. If you don't want to share, blog them to yourself and come back and read them from time to time. It may help you help someone else down the road.

Your pops. You are both reminders of someone who loved you both more than anyone else. I mean, Mom was the 'glue' is sounds like. Give yourself some time. Give him some time. Pain and grief can really skew our points of view, man.

My four year old daughter would also like to tell you "Hey man, it's gonna be cool." She wanted to know why I was still typing when she was ready to go play. I told her, and she asked me to tell you that.

Bit_Roller

like i woke up
but at the same time... im not sure i did, what if this is just a steping stone to other awakenings.

i feel as if im more more mother then my father. im very empathic.. or i feel distressed when others are and i feel the need to fix it (or help them.) i also notice that this dream came to me when i started to deviate and become calloused.

its interesting how dreams can be so revealing or helpful

as for my dad, he needed the help but i refused to acknowledge it
he o/d on downers. i found him in the bathroom. i miss the few good times i had with him. weed helped me connect with him( we both smoked). when we did smoke we would think about the universe and other mind blowing things.

he offed him self.. i belive because of remorse he held for my mother(he gambled alot and gave my mother shit for bills being too high or too much went towards food and he thought she was stealing from him) basically the amount he made could support 3 familys but we were lucky to support one.

yin yang right? there has to be balance and my mother sought to balance him(i suppose)

lucky me in a way i guess.. i was by my moms side alone with her when she passed and i found my father when he was dead( but limbs were still very elastic for up to 8 hours after death cause of his muscle relaxant od)

tell ur 4 yr old thx and to remember that though out her life as well

HTAM

I misread that part about your Pops. I apologize.

You still have your 'second family' though-all the people you choose to keep in a close orbit to you. And I don't mean literally.

You and I share many of the same traits-we're both 'Mama's Boys'

You have a lot to work with to reinvent yourself. Insight, and understanding that is. It may not make a lot of sense to you now, but reading your posts I feel like I am reading my life about 10 years ago in some respects.

It wasn't long after I started feeling the way you talk about that clarity slowly found it's way back into my life.

Mostly.

I still make stupid mistakes all the time. Usually they are rather funny, though.

Bit_Roller

don't worry about it... i just wrote two novels im sure you wouldn't catch everything or that i even put everything in it.

its just great to unburden my self on the net.

family is pushing me to talk to them but i cant, not that i don't want to i just cant talk to them because i feel they still need to wake up, so to speak, before they can understand what i have to say. even then, i wouldn't know what to say


as for stupoid mistakes... same here.... like stepping on a sign to make it flip up and i could catch it, but it was heavy so i pressed harder and harder till it flew up and smacked my in the forehead lol.... i think the company i work for caught that on tape. i only wish to get a copy for myself for laughs

Bit_Roller

ok.... this is weird

last night i had another vivid dream... thats the second this year

it started out with me and someone who i cant put a face to. i think it was my neighbor but i cant say for sure.. but the this was we were looking into a death of someone(that persons partner) which was very odd, meaning that we were told he was dead but we never saw his body

any how looking though all of the deceased belongs i came across a odd florescent plastic binder. i opened it and there was a notepad tucked into a plastic sleeve. also there was a few pens in the crease of the fold of the binder. and two pens in a holder that were standing up(impossible cause the binder needed to close so theses pens cannot be stiling upright, yet they were)

i pulled out the pad and quickly flipped though some pages. some had equations on it others just had one number written down on it. the only number which i can recall is 7 which was on it own page.

at that moment the person i was with took it and said that they understood the code on it .
then the person i was with got jumpy and left the apartment so i followed him into the apartment next door we were talking about how he knew the one person who could break this code. i then realized he was talking about my grandmother( from my mothers side who passed away) .

i then asked him if he really was gonna "wake her up just for this?" which he replied no no no im just giving her her bath.(meanwhile he was happly skipping his way down the hall)

i follow him into the bath room where she was lieing in the bathtub in a fetal position her head opposite from the drain. she also had some kind of thin white fabric robe on(kinda like a hospital gown)

he turned a dial and water came up from the drain(kinda dirty like laundry water) and somehow her head was next to the drain now. i was worried she'll drown cause she was sleeping or in a coma. but as the water level went over her head she suddenly "woke up" wide eyed looking around. (she almost drowned)

my neighbor then turned on the shower head which stopped the water from coming out the drain and clear water flowed from the shower head.

at this point my grandmother looked directly at my with almost soul penetrating eyes. it wasn't a help me look but a "you know" kinda look. i got embarrassed for some reason and looked away,

at this point i noticed i had the papers in my hand that were the codes i just found before( colored papers and a notebook) which i folded and put in the towel rack space. at which point i woke up with a sore throat and running nose wondering what the fuck just happened.


so i go to a family member and explain this dream to which point they tell me she died 14 years ago and that she had water in her lungs(like my mother but i didn't know my grandmother had the same thing)

at which point she goes and say " they say when you dream on drugs that they don't mean anything"

kinda infuriated me cause she was tryin to say its just jibber jabber and i shouldn't really pay attention to it. but the fact that she passed away along time ago and that she had water in the lungs and that she was "drowning" in my dream suggested to me somethings weird is happening

i also find it werid that i remember the number 7 and that she passed away 14 years ago