Mikey

Hey you guys.
I've been better, but I've been trying really hard to fucking get my shit together the past few weeks.

Tried to detox and shit, didn't work out, but managed to find a good sort of balance.

Been to the doctors to get some shit to help me detox from the booze, but I ended up taking the pills and drinking anyways (fucking pharmacy opens at 9am I wake up at 6am godamnit).

So I hit all sorts of different bottoms this year (2010) so far.
Started the year off to a really shitty start.


But I think I got it now.

I spent 6 days sober last week.
Then I told myself I can't torture myself forever I know I'll still need to drink, so I practiced moderating now.

I try not to hit the bottle in the morning, or during the day, or during the week....I'm trying hard to become a saturday sunday drinker guy.

But fuck it ain't easy,
And I'm not sick, but I'm very not well.

Thanks to many of you for your help and kind words, I'm still around, smokin' my brains out trying to save this raisin of a liver haha

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RIP Gov

my_scatterheart

You don't have it. Don't kid yourself. That's how you fall.

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Be mindful even if your mind is full. -J. De La Vega

myxomatosis

Please don't take this the wrong way. But this is such bullshit I really couldn't contain myself. Lord knows alcoholism is a hell of a bitch to kick, and I wish you the best, really I do, but fuck man. That's twice I've seen you use the excuse of you waking up 3 hours before the pharmacy opens as an excuse for not only drinking but mixing booze and pills. If you're going to kick the habit it's gotta be regardless of when you wake up and regardless of when the pharmacy opens, if it opens at all.

Same with the idea of moderating your drinking. Frankly someone that's shitting blood along with the myriad of other booze related health problems you've posted about in the past clearly has a problem with the intrinsic idea of moderation, nor is it good practice IMO for someone with such a degree of alcoholism.

I'm not trying to tell you how to go about dealing, nor am I knocking the progress you made because progress certainly is progress, I'm just asking you to cut the bullshit. I say it out of love and because coming from a family rife with alcoholism I can see it from a mile away. Seriously man, I wish nothing but the best for you and I don't mean to be harsh because you are making steps in the right direction, but from the sound of it you can't really afford to beat around the bush.

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oh sometimes the blues is just a passing bird
and why can't that always be
tossing aside from your birches crown
just enough dark to see
how you're the light over me

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blog deal (updated 12/22/11)

The SARS Volta

personally, i'm a binge drinker. i don't drink every day or even close but when i do hit the booze, i go hard. i know if i'm going to a party, i best prepare for a bad hangover the next morning.

alcohol and moderation is a tough quest to master for us many admirers of the hooch, yet it is not impossible. if you believe the best way for you to succeed in drinking less is only to stop altogether...so be it. be honest with yourself.

getting 'better' doesn't have to be as black and white (all-or-nothing) as recovery groups profess. a lot of them do not acknowledge gray areas. i know this is a controversial opinion to claim, but i genuinely believe it.

look at it this way; if someone overweight were trying to adopt a healthier diet and put a limit on a previously regular fast-food intake, rather than forbidding it altogether and forever...which of these game-plans is more likely a set-up for future binges and cravings? i'd say the latter but that's just me.

of course. substance abuse issues and overeating concerns are different territories, but my point is any indulgence can be regulated with the right strategy, determination and mindset. i've seen control and regulation (rather than permanent abstinence) succeed in a long-term sense for others in the way of drinking.

you may simply be finding what that happy medium is right now, and it's a work in progress. good luck with modifying circumstances to your liking

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(fiance)

my_scatterheart

When you've had the medical hangups this kid has you don't get the luxury of a gray area. And believing in the safety of that illusion is setting yourself up for failure.

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Be mindful even if your mind is full. -J. De La Vega

clive

no its 10 letters.

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msicidron

i think you need to practice honesty in every aspect of your life, and the rest will come.

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Mikey

thanks for the kind words.

and your all bang on right,
and I can't say anything other then one day at a time.
Some days it works, sometimes it doesn't.

I try to change my patterns, try to make sure there's no alocohol around in the morning (or wherever I'm at).

Yeah I know I might still be making excuses but this shit ain't easy.
I get it one day, then I don't get it for 3.

At least now I'm ahead, I was sober for 6, wasn't for 2, now here goes to another six!

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RIP Gov

roll

Hey Mikey, i don't know how old are you (i'm 28), but i wish you good luck with that, My father died when i was 12 (he was 50 i think) and it was hard for me, he was a heavy drinker as far as i'm concerned (we (me and my sisters) didn't lived with him when he died, (we lived with my mother)).

To this day i have no idea what killed him (Uncles didn't do autopsy on him, Gods knows why), be a stroke, liver failure, cirrosis, or alcohol poisoning.

I've read one really gets to see 'spiders in the wall' when one has a delirium tremens so i suppose it's one hard thing to quit.

I don't drink (at least anymore) and was never an alcoholic, i do however used to be a pot head (like most of you here, unless you smoke 1 or 2 per month)

Ever since i quit i feel so depressed i have no idea if it was because of the withdrawal or what, maybe my reason for quiting wasn't the right one, but that's irrelevant now.

Will i ever smoke again? i have no idea, i've been thinking on getting some marinol (THC pills) so maybe my brain fixes himself again, but i think that's Bull... to be honest the depression is so bad i think it compares to the kind of depression that some shooters go through (Erich harris, Klebold, Cho, etc) which would make me a 'psychopath'. a total desolation.

Anyways this has nothing to do with you, just wanted to wish you good luck with that, we may also want to make a 'map' of our brains to see if neurons didn't got 'irreversible damaged' from our use of drugs (THC in my case, alcohol in yours) or from abrupt withdrawal after addiction.

I know this is too depressing, and i believe people only use drugs not for 'recreational use', but because we as humans have a 'hole' that needs to be fixed, in this sense anyone who smokes three joints a day doesn't uses it for 'recreational use' (at least not anymore).

I'm sober (don't drink, don't smoke) but i feel too fucking lonely ever since i 'lost' my friends (who smoke marijuana).

I may be a loser, who knows. All i know is that my father died and even though i'm not sure what killed him, he was a heavy drinker.

A part of me wants to smoke marijuana again so maybe that will 'fix me', then again i have no money, no gf, can't really 'relate too much' to anyone (i hope this is just an stupid idea) so doing nothing and hoping marijuana will fix me won't do me too much (at least i don't think so)

Still, this crap...marijuana... should be legalized. (seems not everybody feels it kinda ruined their lives (like me)) and it also serves as an anti-depressant for a lot of people (given that it seems that, life, sober, is too depressing (at least for pot smokers).

G'luck Mikey. I know one person (he's 80) that has been sober for years, and even though he's bitter, he doesn't really talks about 'how he quit' and can actually be pretty funny (in a non-healthy funny kind of way). He actually admits he will drink a bit if the occassion is called for (so he's not TOTALLY refraining from), On the other hand an ex-neighbourg of mine is an alcoholic and one can barely understand him when he speaks.

any advice for myself (from pot-heads/recreational users) to an ex-pot-head) is welcome.

Linkey

roll, I think I can give you some helpful advice. Try getting out and exercise, work on a project, even go for a drive or walk. You could be surprised at how much it helps lighten your mood and allows you to think clearly and be motivated. Maybe the marijuana was something to do to keep you going and keep you motivated. Losing the weed and your friends left a space to be filled by something else. Fill that space with healthy activity and see where that gets you.

It's a vicious cycle of inactivity causing decreased motivation causing more inactivity. Break the cycle.

Good luck!

badgoalie85

if you have to count the days until the weekend because you can't wait to have another drink, it's probably a good idea to just stop drinking altogether.

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Pursue happiness.

To each his own.

The SARS Volta

the health concerns are really the major factor IMO. otherwise, in the beginning of a long-term reduction attempt one might want to be restricting their intake the most dramatically, in order to get used to dealing with less.

(to OP)considering these separate ailments at hand and the feelings of urgency toward drinking--i agree with the above posters--perhaps any amount of alcohol is not the right path to tread at this stage in life.

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(fiance)

Captain Cannabis

i don't know what is best for your situation, but i wish you good luck.

i've seen people drink themselves to death and that's probably not what you want. you are still young dude. one day at a time.

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fuck the monkeys

Mikey

i want to thank you all for your advice.

and for some of your criticism, sometimes it sucks getting it from people who don't know wtf they're talking about, but it all seemed genuine.

I'm not perfect and never will be.

I'm just writing shit down on this page to help me cope vent rant bitch and have some sort of support/not really support just somebody listening system.

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RIP Gov

SageTree

Good to read the updates Mikey. I wish you continued strength and conviction in meeting the days goal one step at a time.

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Mikey

for those who care..

I'm doing well, not perfect,but who is right?

it finally looks like I won't drink myself to death but I've got to deal with my issues of anxiety,depression and most likely bi-polarism.

I've been talking to my doctor,and I got an interview with Vancouver Island's Mental Health people soon to see how I can deal with all these feelings that I've been supressing with alcohol, or self medicating will you.

Thing is I tried the prozac, wellbutrin, and all these different pills busporin being the latest one and they all make me feel like shit, so I dunno.

we'll see.

thanks to those who said nice things, on hard days I come here and I re-read some of the posts.

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RIP Gov

SageTree

All the best to ya' Brother!!!!!!!

Thanks for the update

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Mikey

wow
9 and a half months later,
worse then way before?? fuck it harsh to read this, seeing how I hit so many bottoms back then and all the way now i've only made steps backwards

i had a dream about opening up a while back and i remember myxomatosis giving me the schpeel out of love in straight black and white

and now it's even gotten worse and i'm making more excuses, it's nuts
fuck i didn't even remember this thread until 9 months later

it's fucking nice to see people caring and loving you even if they don't know you when your down

maybe that's what brought me back here.

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RIP Gov

yo.

I am so young, I have no idea what you're going through man, but you are an awesome person from what I know, I hate to see you down man, it genuinely makes me sad...

But hey man, you put a smile on my face every day and you know why! So smile about that man!!!
and you can do anything you want man, like I said I don't know how hard it is, but I know that if you really want to quit, you can. You just have to build up the self-love to want to quit. You know it's killing you... And you know you have a lot of people who need you around.

Much love brother, all will come together and happiness will be forever.

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SmokeaJoint

Good vibes your way bro. I got alcoholics in my family, I'm just glad that shit skipped me. I can't even imagine how it feels to be unable to stop drinking poison. Just me n my weed, baby.

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