SmokeaJoint

I really am. How do you normal folk do it? Normal being a subjective term but yeah. All this week I've been fiending haaaaard for my drugs of choice. I wish it were weed, but its not. Its killing me how awful it feels to be mentally fixated on a chemical, but I dunno how to erase the fixation. I've NEVER been willingly sober, and I've always had that "wanna be on drugs" mindset.

Tonight has been pretty hard. It might get better tomorrow if I can get some weed in me to dull the worst of the other cravings. But I wanna feel normal again, where all I desire is a little weed to relax with. I wanna be free of all the rest because tbh if I keep going like I go, I'll be dead b4 I get a red name on here and thats no lie.

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HTAM

Quit trying to destroy yourself.

Asshole.

BTW, it's only in this thread, I don't want you running away with it and shit.

Asshole is a term of endearment.

turmaline

You need to go to detox, and then find a support group, and try not to be around people places and things that trigger your cravings.

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SmokeaJoint

Waking up in the morning triggers cravings. Fuck wake n bake, I used to get up and rail lines of coke and opiates to start the day. Did it for months. And I'm pretty well detoxed off all but weed since the last time I had stims or heroin was a month or so. I think its in my head I need to work on, not in my body.

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HTAM

Triggers.
Identify them.
Separate yourself from them.
Go to group.
Or not.

SmokeaJoint

Seems pretty simple, aye? Alot easier than said then done, but IDing triggers might go a long way towards something. Theres just so many. Life being hard is a trigger, and a constant one at that.

I'm like what they call a "dry drunk" in AA. Even when not using, I have the mindset of a junkie and a tweaker.

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HTAM

I know exactly what you are, and what you are thinking about.

HTAM

And 'life being hard is a trigger' is a cop out, you f______' kittie cat.

You have seen the news about Japan, recently?

SmokeaJoint

Cop out though it may be, it sure feels true. I don't think I can be angered and antagonized into quitting. If that were the case, my first bad comedown would have done it. I self medicate for damn near any problem. Life in general has become difficult to cope with if I'm not using. Hence "life is a trigger".

Maybe I should look into recovery. I certainly sound like I could use it, and it couldn't be any worse than the alternative. Just, I don't really want to quit 100%. Perhaps 50/50.

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HTAM

Dude....you never know what's around the next corner.

Who's gonna need you.

What turns out completely different because you're there.

Then. Because you're healthy.

Five years ago, I didn't give a fuck about much, really. Two years before that, I didn't give a fuck about anything. I had little direction other than continuing to be involved in one way or another with music. And growing pot.

Things change, but you have to make yourself available for that change to occur.

That's why they say, 'Just for Today'.

The Rev

I don't see the discussion in this thread as being false or helpful.

SoJ, I see two things as constants from this thread: 1)You fucking love drugs and getting high, and 2) That worries you. And the reason it worries you is because when you try to cut back to levels that don't worry you, your love for drugs and getting high wins over that effort.

The important issue is, is doing drugs and getting high fucking up your life? Is is leading in a worse-and-worse direction toward worst? Or are you just tripping because you feel out of control of yourself? This is the big question to answer before proceeding.

If you're headed in a direction that leads toward ruin, then you need someone to help you out so you don't end up there. If you're just feeling vulnerable from being out of control of all of your actions, then you need to consider your tolerance for risk.

Either way, you're a cool guy. I don't want to see you fuck up your health or anything, but, by the same token, I don't want to see you stress yourself out intolerably. Just know I'm your friend either way.



The Rev

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HTAM

^A more elegant explanation.

my_scatterheart

A lot of your posts about your abuse seem attention-based. You talk about all this shit you do, and say things about how you want help, but then you dismiss it all.
My advice, grow up. No one can do the growing up for you.
If you want to get clean, get clean. Less yapping, more doing.

__________________
Be mindful even if your mind is full. -J. De La Vega

Jester4yall

Brutal honesty right there

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In matters of style, swim with the current; In matters of principle, stand like a rock. -Thomas Jefferson

You will encounter many distractions and many temptations to put your goal aside: The security of a job, a wife who wants kids, whatever. But if you hang in there, always following your vision, I have no doubt you will succeed. - Larry Flynt

turmaline

It's a hard cycle to break. Talking about it is the first step, now take the second one.

__________________
"I'd rather a frontallabotomy...th an a bottleinfrontofme".

fenderbender

I need to thank my god more....
It must really really suck to not see the world for what it is. BEAUTIFUL.



If you do recognize the beauty in life smokeajoint, then why would you not want to stay alive and experience more of it?
That being said, all else is just outside forces affecting your life. Change them or remove them... and all you are left with is the pure beautiful bliss of life.


and if you dont see the amazingly beautiful aspects of life, then i would recomend ... trying to.
I could not see it untill a I 1)fell in love 2)mushrooms 3)a particular DMT experience.
Those 3 things alone have given me incite enough to recognize the good in life.

If you tried and still cannot, and are at the point of failure... i suggest getting help. It really comes down to if you want the possibility of experiencing life longer... If you dont you should seek someones help in enabling to see the worth while good in life.


Let yourself be in peace my brother. All the love and peace you could ever ask for is right there in front of you, you just cannot see it yet.
Strive to be able to embrace life for what it truly is... magnificent and worthwhile.
.
.
.

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Imagine there's no heaven,It's easy if you try

<3

Mikey

hey man
im really bad at being sober too
i dont have any advice, because id probably be the worst person ever to give you advice on this topic
but do take care of yourself, and good luck.

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RIP Gov

SmokeaJoint

Thanks yo, and thanks to those that've responded (even you, Scatter )

I was remembering some shit last night, from back in middle school and shit. How I could find the same release and happiness in music that I now go to find in drugs. I miss that. I want that back. But when that little slice of magic went away was about the same time I started smoking. And out of all the shit I need to quit, or could quit, weed is the one that I'm least willing to do without.

Music is still great. But its not magic, like it used to be. Anyone experience something similar? Or is it just a me thing?

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Mafoo

ya dude, i used to get baked everynight and pass out listening to trance. the music still sounds good, its not quite as enveloping and intense as it once was while stoned but its still beautiful.

try taking a step back from where you are now... do you remember your childhood? turning over rocks and exploring your neighborhood as if it were some magical place..(ok so thats more my childhood but im guessing you might have some similiar memories). the only difference is perception. as you get older things might seem more mundane and boring. drugs tend to bring that everything-is-interesting-perception back, but guess what? when you come down things will be even more mundane than before. drugs are like reality turned up a notch.

come down from your cloud, i promise the world is still open for exploration, you just have to find new places to look.

i struggle with sobriety too

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PLUR
For once you have tasted flight you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skywards, for there you have been and there you will long to return

SmokeaJoint

Idk Mafoo, my childhood was pretty fucked. Spent most of it in foster care, so not much in the way of running around being joyful and free like little kids should be.

Jaded from the get-go you could say.

Hey, there IS still magic in the world. In 2007 I went to Belize for the first time, and it was seriously the most magical, beautiful place I had ever been. It was a fullfillment of a childhood dream to one day see the rainforest, and it only got better every day. That time, that place, who needed drugs to feel good? It felt good to pick papaya off the tree, to eat fresh coconut by the river and listen to the howler monkeys. It felt good to go scuba diving and see thousands of beautiful fish and coral that I'd never seen before. It felt good falling asleep on a hammock in the middle of a mangrove/white sand island, listening to Caribbean music. All I had was weed, but all I needed was to be there.

I do plan on someday retiring there, if its still as beautiful as I remember. It kinda makes me feel like your sig quote describes...

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