Poetic Injustice

Center · 10-05-2007, 10:13 AM

With the effort of the wind blowin ya hair...
ya DNA particle come detached, when it bear/
witness to the dismissle, plz hold ya missle/
to wipe ya own consciousness, DEAD?...it's so clear/
realise...ya demise, when ya own earth cries, cracks, n tears/
the epidemic choosen, by our own godly FEARS!/
smears...crack n creek into the function.../
leave egos brushed n battered...like an angry husband/
mangy lovin...I call it lust, and supremecy/
his masculinity...an offshoot of his ego industry/
it's like a business...keep'n the stock up/
n block up ne other enterin, there lock up/
I shattered the norm...keep my energy storm/
awareness spread awareness...but it's not to CONFORM!/
It's on...like grammar to my song.../
i prolong, my text; adjective's belong/
pamper my grammatical arm/
and extend a warm welcome...to any MC testin my brain function...it's long!/

poetry/hip-hop...for you to decide.

Mind giving some feedback guys? This is the 6th time I've dropped lyrics here at yahooka, and have yet to get ONE response! Soo...

kamikazi89 · 10-05-2007, 10:33 AM

...
loved
/annoying

Center · 10-05-2007, 12:39 PM

^ I must truely say that over 60% of your posts don't make sense to me, in a literary way!

What does your most mean?

kamikazi89 · 10-05-2007, 12:45 PM

i like ellisD better

you are not:confusing:mewith teh band

(babylon mon it was a symapathy bump

(you was damn nera beggin) i obliged a brother..per post 1

Center · 10-05-2007, 01:02 PM

^Ok you did SLIGHTLY better with conveying what you think...

You like Ellis D more then me?
You bumped my thread out of pity?

This leads me to believe, you prefer completely drugged out rap-crap rants then actual lyricism?

All perspective I suppose.

kamikazi89 · 10-05-2007, 01:04 PM

one day only(ellisD for-ever:blue:

:

Center · 10-05-2007, 07:03 PM

^preferred...if those are your responses.

What ever happened to that guy? OD?

**Pharm Girl** · 10-05-2007, 07:44 PM

I played with it Center............hope ya don't mind.
Is it a war poem? Love?

As the winds blows in your hair
You become detached for its too hard to bare
A witness to so much dismay
And to wipe your consciousness dead!
Is it clear now, do you realize?
When the earth cracks and creaks into function
Egos are bruised and battered
Some call it love, some lust!
The ego is treated like a business
You stock up, load and lock up.

Mental · 10-07-2007, 12:56 PM

I think it's an interesting rhythm. You've got a few different poetry styles all kind of mixing together, which works at some points, and doesn't at others. I think the one piece that didn't really flow for me the most, was the use of this line <to wipe ya own consciousness, DEAD?...it's so clear/> you really could have made it rhyme with either the line above, or the line below, had you decided to think about it. The use of the capitalized "DEAD" was a bit disconcerting as it really had no meaning, yet you decided to try and emphasize it, as if it were the most important thing in the rhyme.

Sorry, you asked for thoughts, and those were the ones I came up with while reading over it. However do not think I'm dissing on it, it's got some flaws, but I like the energy it has flowing in it.

**Pharm Girl** · 10-07-2007, 03:00 PM

Very nicely said Mental.

Center · 10-08-2007, 12:36 PM

Yes...this really wasn't meant as true poetry in the sense i'm sure you guys are looking at it as. It's meant for an audio hip hop track...which allows for wacky strings and connections. Which is why I love hip hop in the first place. I was really just trying to take a play on words with metaphors scattered all over the place, if you can find them

. In text I'm sure the "beat" looks off.

Pharm good take on it. I love it when people can take things from other places and make it there own. Much love...

Peace n Love-

**Pharm Girl** · 10-08-2007, 12:56 PM

Try another one Center.......

Just tell us how the beat goes...

Nerevar_4 · 10-08-2007, 10:18 PM

Dont let one poem turn you away from writing. All good writings have metaphors in them that no one will ever understand. I have wrote a bunch of shit, along with a few gems. So, lets hear another...

Mental · 10-08-2007, 11:26 PM

Please, don't my response detract from your desire to write. It was good, and I actually read it in the sense you were writing it for Center. I was just tryin to understand why you used the word "DEAD" when it didn't really (to my reading I guess) need to be there. However it was rather well written and I'm sure sounds great with a beet behind it.

Center · 10-09-2007, 01:52 PM

^Lol...I don't think anything could take away my desire to write. I've been writing off and on...hip hop lyrics, for a good 6 years.

You could ball up my notebook and i'd still pick up my pen.

I'll drop some more lyrics later...I've already writen a few pages today. Fresh out of ideas for now. Can't drop the "heat" online...might get bitten

peace n love-

**Pharm Girl** · 10-09-2007, 02:25 PM

Quote:

Can't drop the "heat" online...might get bitten

No bites.....we've all had rabie shots!

Mental · 10-09-2007, 03:20 PM

I haven't I keep biting the nurses, though not because of the shots

Center · 10-09-2007, 04:36 PM

Mental addiction, is mental's addiction/
poetic injustice, delivery conviction/
Unstable conditions, my livin position/
criminal system, depth of my vision/
Injust Poetry, molds my flowetry/
to infinite, with verbal symetry/
How bendy can I be? mby 10th degree?/
I'm consciousness of time, I made bends infinite!/
N' ya'll pens finicky, like OJ's delivery/
n molten thermite, videotaped on 9/11, see.../
style, with symbology...n ability ta slaughter raw MC's without gun technology/
Ya'll see more molten then volcanology, n aknowledge me for prophetic terminology/

Heres something I just keystyled up real quick...lemme know.

**Pharm Girl** · 10-11-2007, 02:17 AM

I'm liking.............. .

Now I got the beat!

MORE.........please. ....~

**Pharm Girl** · 10-11-2007, 01:49 PM

Now, I have an idea..........

We'll (Mental, Center and I) swap something from each other and turn 'n twist them to make them our own.

If Mental is in..............let' s get started!

lt will be a 3 minded melt........~

10-05-2007, 10:13 AM	#1 (permalink)
Center YaHookan Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: on my way home Posts: 742 Thanks: 13 Thanked 103 Times in 72 Posts	Poetic Injustice With the effort of the wind blowin ya hair... ya DNA particle come detached, when it bear/ witness to the dismissle, plz hold ya missle/ to wipe ya own consciousness, DEAD?...it's so clear/ realise...ya demise, when ya own earth cries, cracks, n tears/ the epidemic choosen, by our own godly FEARS!/ smears...crack n creek into the function.../ leave egos brushed n battered...like an angry husband/ mangy lovin...I call it lust, and supremecy/ his masculinity...an offshoot of his ego industry/ it's like a business...keep'n the stock up/ n block up ne other enterin, there lock up/ I shattered the norm...keep my energy storm/ awareness spread awareness...but it's not to CONFORM!/ It's on...like grammar to my song.../ i prolong, my text; adjective's belong/ pamper my grammatical arm/ and extend a warm welcome...to any MC testin my brain function...it's long!/ poetry/hip-hop...for you to decide. Mind giving some feedback guys? This is the 6th time I've dropped lyrics here at yahooka, and have yet to get ONE response! Soo... Last edited by Center; 10-05-2007 at 01:03 PM.

10-05-2007, 12:39 PM	#3 (permalink)
Center YaHookan Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: on my way home Posts: 742 Thanks: 13 Thanked 103 Times in 72 Posts	^ I must truely say that over 60% of your posts don't make sense to me, in a literary way! What does your most mean? Last edited by Center; 10-05-2007 at 12:44 PM.

10-05-2007, 07:44 PM	#8 (permalink)
Pharm Girl Weeding the Garden.~ Join Date: Feb 2006 Posts: 4,540 Blog Entries: 13 Thanks: 3,003 Thanked 1,176 Times in 894 Posts	I played with it Center............hope ya don't mind. Is it a war poem? Love? As the winds blows in your hair You become detached for its too hard to bare A witness to so much dismay And to wipe your consciousness dead! Is it clear now, do you realize? When the earth cracks and creaks into function Egos are bruised and battered Some call it love, some lust! The ego is treated like a business You stock up, load and lock up. __________________ .....The Time has Come to 'Walk the Talk'.....~ ......A message for ALL from the Deer Tribe...~ It is a great journey — but you must do the walking and have the willingness to change and make the leap into the next level of human evolution. Become an inquisitive free thinking individual that takes responsibility for your life and the spiritual accountability to live life to the fullest. *Fuck the Monkeys*

10-07-2007, 12:56 PM	#9 (permalink)
Mental Remember Rule #33! Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Arizona Posts: 246 Thanks: 2 Thanked 17 Times in 18 Posts	I think it's an interesting rhythm. You've got a few different poetry styles all kind of mixing together, which works at some points, and doesn't at others. I think the one piece that didn't really flow for me the most, was the use of this line <to wipe ya own consciousness, DEAD?...it's so clear/> you really could have made it rhyme with either the line above, or the line below, had you decided to think about it. The use of the capitalized "DEAD" was a bit disconcerting as it really had no meaning, yet you decided to try and emphasize it, as if it were the most important thing in the rhyme. Sorry, you asked for thoughts, and those were the ones I came up with while reading over it. However do not think I'm dissing on it, it's got some flaws, but I like the energy it has flowing in it. __________________ In the land of the Normal, I choose to be me. In the land of the Confined, I choose to be free. In the land of the Oppressed, I choose to to enlightened. To those that understand I greet you hand to hand, for in this world, it is we few that choose to stand. Welcome to the new world, where the inmates are free, and the world isn't as it used to be. Welcome to the new life you will begin to live, free your mind and the rest will follow.

10-07-2007, 03:00 PM	#10 (permalink)
Pharm Girl Weeding the Garden.~ Join Date: Feb 2006 Posts: 4,540 Blog Entries: 13 Thanks: 3,003 Thanked 1,176 Times in 894 Posts	Very nicely said Mental. __________________ .....The Time has Come to 'Walk the Talk'.....~ ......A message for ALL from the Deer Tribe...~ It is a great journey — but you must do the walking and have the willingness to change and make the leap into the next level of human evolution. Become an inquisitive free thinking individual that takes responsibility for your life and the spiritual accountability to live life to the fullest. *Fuck the Monkeys*

10-05-2007, 10:33 AM	#2 (permalink)
kamikazi89 devils advocate Join Date: Dec 2004 Posts: 3,627 Blog Entries: 1 Thanks: 1,453 Thanked 862 Times in 647 Posts	... loved /annoying

10-05-2007, 12:45 PM	#4 (permalink)
kamikazi89 devils advocate Join Date: Dec 2004 Posts: 3,627 Blog Entries: 1 Thanks: 1,453 Thanked 862 Times in 647 Posts	i like ellisD better you are not:confusing:mewith teh band (babylon mon it was a symapathy bump (you was damn nera beggin) i obliged a brother..per post 1

10-05-2007, 01:02 PM	#5 (permalink)
Center YaHookan Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: on my way home Posts: 742 Thanks: 13 Thanked 103 Times in 72 Posts	^Ok you did SLIGHTLY better with conveying what you think... You like Ellis D more then me? You bumped my thread out of pity? This leads me to believe, you prefer completely drugged out rap-crap rants then actual lyricism? All perspective I suppose.

10-05-2007, 01:04 PM	#6 (permalink)
kamikazi89 devils advocate Join Date: Dec 2004 Posts: 3,627 Blog Entries: 1 Thanks: 1,453 Thanked 862 Times in 647 Posts	one day only(ellisD for-ever:blue: :

10-05-2007, 07:03 PM	#7 (permalink)
Center YaHookan Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: on my way home Posts: 742 Thanks: 13 Thanked 103 Times in 72 Posts	^preferred...if those are your responses. What ever happened to that guy? OD?

10-08-2007, 12:36 PM	#11 (permalink)
Center YaHookan Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: on my way home Posts: 742 Thanks: 13 Thanked 103 Times in 72 Posts	Yes...this really wasn't meant as true poetry in the sense i'm sure you guys are looking at it as. It's meant for an audio hip hop track...which allows for wacky strings and connections. Which is why I love hip hop in the first place. I was really just trying to take a play on words with metaphors scattered all over the place, if you can find them . In text I'm sure the "beat" looks off. Pharm good take on it. I love it when people can take things from other places and make it there own. Much love... Peace n Love-

10-08-2007, 12:56 PM	#12 (permalink)
Pharm Girl Weeding the Garden.~ Join Date: Feb 2006 Posts: 4,540 Blog Entries: 13 Thanks: 3,003 Thanked 1,176 Times in 894 Posts	Try another one Center....... Just tell us how the beat goes... __________________ .....The Time has Come to 'Walk the Talk'.....~ ......A message for ALL from the Deer Tribe...~ It is a great journey — but you must do the walking and have the willingness to change and make the leap into the next level of human evolution. Become an inquisitive free thinking individual that takes responsibility for your life and the spiritual accountability to live life to the fullest. *Fuck the Monkeys*

10-08-2007, 10:18 PM	#13 (permalink)
Nerevar_4 YaHookan Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Missouri Posts: 100 Thanks: 4 Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post	Dont let one poem turn you away from writing. All good writings have metaphors in them that no one will ever understand. I have wrote a bunch of shit, along with a few gems. So, lets hear another... __________________

10-08-2007, 11:26 PM	#14 (permalink)
Mental Remember Rule #33! Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Arizona Posts: 246 Thanks: 2 Thanked 17 Times in 18 Posts	Please, don't my response detract from your desire to write. It was good, and I actually read it in the sense you were writing it for Center. I was just tryin to understand why you used the word "DEAD" when it didn't really (to my reading I guess) need to be there. However it was rather well written and I'm sure sounds great with a beet behind it. __________________ In the land of the Normal, I choose to be me. In the land of the Confined, I choose to be free. In the land of the Oppressed, I choose to to enlightened. To those that understand I greet you hand to hand, for in this world, it is we few that choose to stand. Welcome to the new world, where the inmates are free, and the world isn't as it used to be. Welcome to the new life you will begin to live, free your mind and the rest will follow.

10-09-2007, 01:52 PM	#15 (permalink)
Center YaHookan Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: on my way home Posts: 742 Thanks: 13 Thanked 103 Times in 72 Posts	^Lol...I don't think anything could take away my desire to write. I've been writing off and on...hip hop lyrics, for a good 6 years. You could ball up my notebook and i'd still pick up my pen. I'll drop some more lyrics later...I've already writen a few pages today. Fresh out of ideas for now. Can't drop the "heat" online...might get bitten peace n love-

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10-09-2007, 03:20 PM	#17 (permalink)
Mental Remember Rule #33! Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Arizona Posts: 246 Thanks: 2 Thanked 17 Times in 18 Posts	I haven't I keep biting the nurses, though not because of the shots __________________ In the land of the Normal, I choose to be me. In the land of the Confined, I choose to be free. In the land of the Oppressed, I choose to to enlightened. To those that understand I greet you hand to hand, for in this world, it is we few that choose to stand. Welcome to the new world, where the inmates are free, and the world isn't as it used to be. Welcome to the new life you will begin to live, free your mind and the rest will follow.

10-09-2007, 04:36 PM	#18 (permalink)
Center YaHookan Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: on my way home Posts: 742 Thanks: 13 Thanked 103 Times in 72 Posts	Mental addiction, is mental's addiction/ poetic injustice, delivery conviction/ Unstable conditions, my livin position/ criminal system, depth of my vision/ Injust Poetry, molds my flowetry/ to infinite, with verbal symetry/ How bendy can I be? mby 10th degree?/ I'm consciousness of time, I made bends infinite!/ N' ya'll pens finicky, like OJ's delivery/ n molten thermite, videotaped on 9/11, see.../ style, with symbology...n ability ta slaughter raw MC's without gun technology/ Ya'll see more molten then volcanology, n aknowledge me for prophetic terminology/ Heres something I just keystyled up real quick...lemme know.

10-11-2007, 02:17 AM	#19 (permalink)
Pharm Girl Weeding the Garden.~ Join Date: Feb 2006 Posts: 4,540 Blog Entries: 13 Thanks: 3,003 Thanked 1,176 Times in 894 Posts	I'm liking.............. . Now I got the beat! MORE.........please. ....~

10-11-2007, 01:49 PM	#20 (permalink)
Pharm Girl Weeding the Garden.~ Join Date: Feb 2006 Posts: 4,540 Blog Entries: 13 Thanks: 3,003 Thanked 1,176 Times in 894 Posts	Now, I have an idea.......... We'll (Mental, Center and I) swap something from each other and turn 'n twist them to make them our own. If Mental is in..............let' s get started! lt will be a 3 minded melt........~ Last edited by Pharm Girl; 10-11-2007 at 03:08 PM. Reason: forgot center