my extremely short story

UltraFace · 07-05-2009, 04:14 PM

so another failure for me. i tried submitting this to a small online publication which i thought was small enough to publish me. i had no high hopes of becoming a paid author but i thought i at least could get some flash fiction published online. anyways here is my rejected flash fiction for you guys. maybe you will enjoy it or at least give me some constructive criticism.

The Other California

I hold the lighter’s flame under the glass bulb and watch as vapors begin to swirl around within. I breathe the vapors in deeply and stare at the moon light glinting off the undulating water. Immediately I feel the rush. Mike and I are sitting at the bank of the Merced River patiently waiting for the catfish to bite. The fishing poles are being held in rod rests and the poles have bells clipped on the ends so that we can hear the bites. Other than the occasional re-bait and re-cast there is no work required. When we fish we don’t have a care in the world, we just smoke, drink, and bullshit about nothing all night.

My friend Mike and I fish often on weekdays after I get off work. Mike is generally regarded as a fuck up, but he is one of the nicest guys you’ll ever meet, one of the funnest to be around to. Sometimes I worry about him, that maybe he does meth too much or that he’s never going to straighten up and find a job. I can’t really lecture him about it though right after I did meth with him and all. I haven’t let it become a problem for me though, or maybe I have and I just don’t know it yet.

We could blame our abuse of mind altering chemicals on our surroundings. Give the familiar excuse that many teens from Atwater give.

“It’s boring here. There’s nothing to do.”

But that’s not me, not Mike either. Neither one of us blames really blames anything on where we were born; it would be useless to do so. Would we rather have been born into rich families with trust funds, overseas bank accounts, and million dollar yachts? Ya, but that’s not what happened so fuck worrying about that shit. Most people complain about living here in the Central Valley, but we like it fine. We are losers from a loser town and we’ve learned to like it here or maybe we are just too lazy and stupid to do anything about it.

As the night drags on the thirty pack of natural light becomes lighter and lighter and cigarette cartons become empty. It’s a slow night, so far we haven’t caught any fish.

Mikey · 07-05-2009, 04:26 PM

It's a good read, I liked it.

what I noticed though is that your writing style is way different in the 2nd half then in the first half, I'm not saying it's bad or good it's just really different it's like 2 different people wrote it.

but I liked it, it's good.

**Mafoo** · 07-05-2009, 04:36 PM

dude, fuck short stories. develope these characters and make it a full story. i really like your writing style. it captures the "wtf is there to do but drugs vibe". im sure many many people can relate to that feeling.

al-Mu'akhkhir · 07-05-2009, 04:56 PM

meh, from a literary standpoint I would say that your style of writing is unimpressive, in the sense that it leaves no impression. Your use of diction and sentence structure is bland, verging on unoriginal. Your overuse of vulgarities makes the piece overly crass. It's really not hard to see why this wouldn't get published.

No offense.

UltraFace · 07-05-2009, 05:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by al-Mu'akhkhir

meh, from a literary standpoint I would say that your style of writing is unimpressive, in the sense that it leaves no impression. Your use of diction and sentence structure is bland, verging on unoriginal. Your overuse of vulgarities makes the piece overly crass. It's really not hard to see why this wouldn't get published.

No offense.

im actually a fan of minimalism. i like the writing styles of kurt vonnegut and chuck palahniuk. as far as vulgarities i didnt even really think about it. the writing i like often has vulgarities.

i think obviously we have different tastes in style, but you are right about me needing to develop my style.

Grieves · 07-05-2009, 06:48 PM

The illusions of obsessive actions(smoking, drinking, fishing) with no real resolution or conflict lead me to not care at all...Like hyper said, it is bland, and leaves no lasting feeling of anything but uncertainty of whether you should really care or not...

Stories, yes even short stories, need an intro, character development, a conflict, resolution and conclusion and yours is nothing more than an intro to a story that never develops...

**~~SpankyMcLankey~~** · 07-05-2009, 07:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Grieves

Stories, yes even short stories, need an intro, character development, a conflict, resolution and conclusion and yours is nothing more than an intro to a story that never develops...

:finger:

Grieves · 07-05-2009, 07:23 PM

cantSEEme · 07-05-2009, 07:26 PM

lulz!

**Kompressor** · 07-05-2009, 07:33 PM

One of my favorite exercises to convey as much meaning through as few words are haikus. I suggest you try some.

Also, #1 in Publishing is to know your audience. What niche is that small time publication in?

UltraFace · 07-06-2009, 02:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Grieves

The illusions of obsessive actions(smoking, drinking, fishing) with no real resolution or conflict lead me to not care at all...Like hyper said, it is bland, and leaves no lasting feeling of anything but uncertainty of whether you should really care or not...

Stories, yes even short stories, need an intro, character development, a conflict, resolution and conclusion and yours is nothing more than an intro to a story that never develops...

kinda being a dick about it but thanks i guess. gotta work on making people care about my story but i dont think that you should have to stick to popular conventions of writing, especially when it comes to flash fiction.

"For sale: baby shoes, never worn." - Hemmingway (he claimed this to be a story. perhaps you disagree.)

Grieves · 07-06-2009, 02:30 AM

Learning and applying the "popular conventions" is essential to building the skills that you want...It's comparable to how athletes will still do their base workouts in addition to playing in their own unique styles come game time, it hones and keeps the skills sharp while allowing for future growth...Shying away from convention before the base set of essential skills are established is only going to stunt your own growth and frustrate you when people don't like your work...

**Mafoo** · 07-06-2009, 02:47 AM

i think grieves is right, especially if youre looking to get something published

if youre just writing for fun, do whatever

UltraFace · 07-06-2009, 02:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Grieves

Learning and applying the "popular conventions" is essential to building the skills that you want...It's comparable to how athletes will still do their base workouts in addition to playing in their own unique styles come game time, it hones and keeps the skills sharp while allowing for future growth...Shying away from convention before the base set of essential skills are established is only going to stunt your own growth and frustrate you when people don't like your work...

point taken, you were kinda being a dick tho

its kinda hard to apply those conventions to flash fiction though since you don't have too much room for character development, plot arc, etc. i will take the advice into account though.

UltraFace · 07-06-2009, 03:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mafoo

i think grieves is right, especially if youre looking to get something published

if youre just writing for fun, do whatever

two of my favorite authors write in a disjointed, minimalistic style composed of largely exposition rather than dialogue or action and stuff. i guess i just come out sounding like them without really meaning to but i just can't pull it off yet cause i havent practiced writing.

i think those guys wrote what they like, and thats what i want to do to. i also want people other people to enjoy it so thats why i want to get better at making them entertaining, but first and foremost i write what i like(tho im just not that good at it yet). i want to get published so that other people can read my work and i would feel some sense of accomplishment that it might be enjoyable to some people.

i think the world is full of mostly crap writers and few gems. ill probably keep trying the writing thing, maybe a at least a few of you guys might like it.

Mikey · 07-06-2009, 08:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by UltraFace

point taken, you were kinda being a dick tho

its kinda hard to apply those conventions to flash fiction though since you don't have too much room for character development, plot arc, etc. i will take the advice into account though.

he wasn't being a dick, he was being honest, he didn't say it sucked or that it's stupid, he just said that the way it was written caused him to not care for the story.

al-Mu'akhkhir · 07-06-2009, 10:10 AM

There is a difference between minimalist prose and what you have written. If you wish to emulate the writers you have mentioned (something that I would not recommend if you're a budding writer trying to get your first publication), I would suggest that you study the way they write more carefully. I think I can see and understand the style of writing you are trying to achieve, but you are falling short.

Good luck my friend.

msicidron · 07-06-2009, 11:50 AM

i didnt really like this story. the writing style and subject matter . . . i dunno just not digging it

msicidron · 07-06-2009, 11:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by UltraFace

kinda being a dick about it but thanks i guess. gotta work on making people care about my story but i dont think that you should have to stick to popular conventions of writing, especially when it comes to flash fiction.

"For sale: baby shoes, never worn." - Hemmingway (he claimed this to be a story. perhaps you disagree.)

^ i bet i could pull about as much info from that hemmingway story than from yours. but im not going to try and reiterate what has been said.

UltraFace · 07-06-2009, 12:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kompressor

One of my favorite exercises to convey as much meaning through as few words are haikus. I suggest you try some.

Also, #1 in Publishing is to know your audience. What niche is that small time publication in?

seemed to be pretty general to me

decomP: a literary magazine

07-05-2009, 04:14 PM	#1 (permalink)
UltraFace DJ Cool Pants Join Date: Dec 2003 Posts: 461 Thanks: 1 Thanked 3 Times in 3 Posts	my extremely short story so another failure for me. i tried submitting this to a small online publication which i thought was small enough to publish me. i had no high hopes of becoming a paid author but i thought i at least could get some flash fiction published online. anyways here is my rejected flash fiction for you guys. maybe you will enjoy it or at least give me some constructive criticism. The Other California I hold the lighter’s flame under the glass bulb and watch as vapors begin to swirl around within. I breathe the vapors in deeply and stare at the moon light glinting off the undulating water. Immediately I feel the rush. Mike and I are sitting at the bank of the Merced River patiently waiting for the catfish to bite. The fishing poles are being held in rod rests and the poles have bells clipped on the ends so that we can hear the bites. Other than the occasional re-bait and re-cast there is no work required. When we fish we don’t have a care in the world, we just smoke, drink, and bullshit about nothing all night. My friend Mike and I fish often on weekdays after I get off work. Mike is generally regarded as a fuck up, but he is one of the nicest guys you’ll ever meet, one of the funnest to be around to. Sometimes I worry about him, that maybe he does meth too much or that he’s never going to straighten up and find a job. I can’t really lecture him about it though right after I did meth with him and all. I haven’t let it become a problem for me though, or maybe I have and I just don’t know it yet. We could blame our abuse of mind altering chemicals on our surroundings. Give the familiar excuse that many teens from Atwater give. “It’s boring here. There’s nothing to do.” But that’s not me, not Mike either. Neither one of us blames really blames anything on where we were born; it would be useless to do so. Would we rather have been born into rich families with trust funds, overseas bank accounts, and million dollar yachts? Ya, but that’s not what happened so fuck worrying about that shit. Most people complain about living here in the Central Valley, but we like it fine. We are losers from a loser town and we’ve learned to like it here or maybe we are just too lazy and stupid to do anything about it. As the night drags on the thirty pack of natural light becomes lighter and lighter and cigarette cartons become empty. It’s a slow night, so far we haven’t caught any fish. __________________ I love weed, but I hate stoners.

07-05-2009, 04:26 PM	#2 (permalink)
Mikey Seasoned YaHookan Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: gulf islands bc Posts: 7,294 Thanks: 1,080 Thanked 2,013 Times in 1,344 Posts	It's a good read, I liked it. what I noticed though is that your writing style is way different in the 2nd half then in the first half, I'm not saying it's bad or good it's just really different it's like 2 different people wrote it. but I liked it, it's good. __________________ RIP Gov

07-05-2009, 04:36 PM	#3 (permalink)
Mafoo nice daze Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: the anguish of anticipated transformation Posts: 5,962 Thanks: 3,491 Thanked 2,356 Times in 1,540 Posts	dude, fuck short stories. develope these characters and make it a full story. i really like your writing style. it captures the "wtf is there to do but drugs vibe". im sure many many people can relate to that feeling. __________________ PLUR For once you have tasted flight you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skywards, for there you have been and there you will long to return

07-05-2009, 04:56 PM	#4 (permalink)
al-Mu'akhkhir Vem Para Ficar Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: in some pussy Posts: 3,265 Thanks: 500 Thanked 351 Times in 270 Posts	meh, from a literary standpoint I would say that your style of writing is unimpressive, in the sense that it leaves no impression. Your use of diction and sentence structure is bland, verging on unoriginal. Your overuse of vulgarities makes the piece overly crass. It's really not hard to see why this wouldn't get published. No offense. __________________

07-05-2009, 06:48 PM	#6 (permalink)
Grieves Biblioburro... Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Terra Sancta Posts: 11,588 Blog Entries: 1 Thanks: 1,903 Thanked 2,559 Times in 1,424 Posts	The illusions of obsessive actions(smoking, drinking, fishing) with no real resolution or conflict lead me to not care at all...Like hyper said, it is bland, and leaves no lasting feeling of anything but uncertainty of whether you should really care or not... Stories, yes even short stories, need an intro, character development, a conflict, resolution and conclusion and yours is nothing more than an intro to a story that never develops... __________________ "And no matter what they said dollar is not your friend and it's the feelings that are hard to know are the feelings that all come slow No matter what they said dollar is not your friend and these feelings that so hard to know are the feelings that wont let go No don't let go, till you find a home World Unite and I'll love you forever"

07-05-2009, 07:23 PM	#8 (permalink)
Grieves Biblioburro... Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Terra Sancta Posts: 11,588 Blog Entries: 1 Thanks: 1,903 Thanked 2,559 Times in 1,424 Posts	__________________ "And no matter what they said dollar is not your friend and it's the feelings that are hard to know are the feelings that all come slow No matter what they said dollar is not your friend and these feelings that so hard to know are the feelings that wont let go No don't let go, till you find a home World Unite and I'll love you forever"

07-05-2009, 07:26 PM	#9 (permalink)
cantSEEme Cold School Join Date: Sep 2005 Posts: 3,051 Thanks: 152 Thanked 127 Times in 457 Posts	lulz! __________________

07-05-2009, 07:33 PM	#10 (permalink)
Kompressor Voice of Reason Join Date: Dec 2000 Location: Illinois Posts: 8,066 Thanks: 0 Thanked 2,849 Times in 1,509 Posts	One of my favorite exercises to convey as much meaning through as few words are haikus. I suggest you try some. Also, #1 in Publishing is to know your audience. What niche is that small time publication in? __________________ Think like a man of action, act like a man of thought. -H. Bergson

07-06-2009, 02:30 AM	#12 (permalink)
Grieves Biblioburro... Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Terra Sancta Posts: 11,588 Blog Entries: 1 Thanks: 1,903 Thanked 2,559 Times in 1,424 Posts	Learning and applying the "popular conventions" is essential to building the skills that you want...It's comparable to how athletes will still do their base workouts in addition to playing in their own unique styles come game time, it hones and keeps the skills sharp while allowing for future growth...Shying away from convention before the base set of essential skills are established is only going to stunt your own growth and frustrate you when people don't like your work... __________________ "And no matter what they said dollar is not your friend and it's the feelings that are hard to know are the feelings that all come slow No matter what they said dollar is not your friend and these feelings that so hard to know are the feelings that wont let go No don't let go, till you find a home World Unite and I'll love you forever"

07-06-2009, 02:47 AM	#13 (permalink)
Mafoo nice daze Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: the anguish of anticipated transformation Posts: 5,962 Thanks: 3,491 Thanked 2,356 Times in 1,540 Posts	i think grieves is right, especially if youre looking to get something published if youre just writing for fun, do whatever __________________ PLUR For once you have tasted flight you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skywards, for there you have been and there you will long to return

07-06-2009, 10:10 AM	#17 (permalink)
al-Mu'akhkhir Vem Para Ficar Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: in some pussy Posts: 3,265 Thanks: 500 Thanked 351 Times in 270 Posts	There is a difference between minimalist prose and what you have written. If you wish to emulate the writers you have mentioned (something that I would not recommend if you're a budding writer trying to get your first publication), I would suggest that you study the way they write more carefully. I think I can see and understand the style of writing you are trying to achieve, but you are falling short. Good luck my friend. __________________

07-06-2009, 11:50 AM	#18 (permalink)
msicidron vibing Join Date: May 2007 Location: North America Posts: 959 Thanks: 228 Thanked 153 Times in 120 Posts	i didnt really like this story. the writing style and subject matter . . . i dunno just not digging it __________________ \|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|

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