me and my bike

yo. · 10-16-2009, 05:42 PM

this is something i wrote a while back.

So this is how it starts:
Killing and slaugtering, I cry myself to sleep.
The dreams of you I wish I could reap,
only soak in more and more as months go by.
But now it's time for this to die.

I guess this is what they meant,
when they say your childhood should be well spent.
So you wouldn't fall for life's cruelest lies.
I can only reach the beginning of the skies,
but I'll get over you and I will stop the kills.
I'll ride away, never turn back, and keep pedaling these wheels.

Life is only hard when you have no companion,
Jumping shit like canyons,
I've found a true love.
Once again, I'll strap on this glove.
And set sail into the city, with tired legs.
Riding on tires, grinding on pegs.

You'll see us no more,
me and my bike,
don't need you, you fucking dyke

yo. · 10-16-2009, 05:44 PM

i know, this is like dr suess compared to you guys.

Mydriasis · 10-16-2009, 05:53 PM

It's pretty angry, but it got the point across mang.

You BMX? I got a buddy who does too. I skateboard though haha.

yo. · 10-16-2009, 10:12 PM

yeah, it'd old. and not anymore. i've done both tho. i rode for about a year, skated for like 2 + years

Mercury · 10-16-2009, 10:25 PM

good job rhyming. the structure is all wrong, however.

yo. · 10-16-2009, 10:30 PM

i know. i might try to start writing again, i was like 15 or 16 when i wrote that after my first real relationship.

Mercury · 10-16-2009, 10:31 PM

you could break it into a couplet, if you trimmed some stuff away.

yo. · 10-16-2009, 10:34 PM

what you mean? whats a couplet

Mercury · 10-16-2009, 10:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kiLLeRrrr

Killing and slaugtering, I cry myself to sleep.
The dreams of you I wish I could reap,
only soak in more and more as months go by.
But now it's time for this to die.

I guess this is what they meant,
when they say your childhood should be well spent.
So you wouldn't fall for life's cruelest lies.
I can only reach the beginning of the skies,

but I'll get over you and I will stop the kills.
I'll ride away, never turn back, and keep pedaling these wheels.

Life is only hard when you have no companion,
Jumping shit like canyons,
I've found a true love.
Once again, I'll strap on this glove.

And set sail into the city, with tired legs.
Riding on tires, grinding on pegs.

You'll see us no more,
me and my bike,
don't need you, you fucking dyke

a couple is basically what you did, AA BB rhyme scheme. so kudos on that. i'm just criticizing the breaks. if you're going to rhyme in a couplet method you out to group the line breaks in 4's and 2's accordingly. and you can end with the 3, that's fine. there are no set rules, per se.

yo. · 10-16-2009, 10:47 PM

oh, okay thanks

Mercury · 10-16-2009, 11:05 PM

lol... whatever don't thank me. i know you could care less. but i do love poetry and i think i can improve your pentametere. there should be 5 per line, if i'm not mistaken.

if you'll allow me to fiddle with your work a bit...

Quote:

Originally Posted by kiLLeRrrr

Killing and slaugtering, I cry to sleep.
The dreams of you I wish I could reap,
they soak in more as months go by.
But now it's time for this to die.

seems this is what they meant,
your childhood should be well spent.
you wouldn't fall for life's cruelest lies.
I only reach the beginning skies,

To get over you, I will stop the kills.
I'll ride away and pedal these wheels

Life is hard when you have no companion,
Jumping this shit like gaping canyons,

I've found a true love.
I'll strap on this glove.

Set sail to the city with tired legs.
Riding on tires; grinding on pegs.

You'll see us no more,
me and my bike,
don't need you, you fucking dyke

yo. · 10-16-2009, 11:25 PM

i do appreciate it man, like i said i've been wantin to start writin again so i'm always open to tips advices and constructive criticism

10-16-2009, 05:42 PM	#1 (permalink)
yo. Controversial Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: SOCAL Posts: 1,207 Thanks: 676 Thanked 202 Times in 143 Posts	me and my bike this is something i wrote a while back. So this is how it starts: Killing and slaugtering, I cry myself to sleep. The dreams of you I wish I could reap, only soak in more and more as months go by. But now it's time for this to die. I guess this is what they meant, when they say your childhood should be well spent. So you wouldn't fall for life's cruelest lies. I can only reach the beginning of the skies, but I'll get over you and I will stop the kills. I'll ride away, never turn back, and keep pedaling these wheels. Life is only hard when you have no companion, Jumping shit like canyons, I've found a true love. Once again, I'll strap on this glove. And set sail into the city, with tired legs. Riding on tires, grinding on pegs. You'll see us no more, me and my bike, don't need you, you fucking dyke __________________ "God" is an alien and we all came from another galaxy as an expansion of our specie's existence.

10-16-2009, 05:44 PM	#2 (permalink)
yo. Controversial Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: SOCAL Posts: 1,207 Thanks: 676 Thanked 202 Times in 143 Posts	i know, this is like dr suess compared to you guys. __________________ "God" is an alien and we all came from another galaxy as an expansion of our specie's existence.

10-16-2009, 05:53 PM	#3 (permalink)
Mydriasis Do Not Resuscitate Join Date: Jun 2009 Posts: 1,317 Thanks: 840 Thanked 431 Times in 298 Posts	It's pretty angry, but it got the point across mang. You BMX? I got a buddy who does too. I skateboard though haha. __________________ ۞

10-16-2009, 10:12 PM	#4 (permalink)
yo. Controversial Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: SOCAL Posts: 1,207 Thanks: 676 Thanked 202 Times in 143 Posts	yeah, it'd old. and not anymore. i've done both tho. i rode for about a year, skated for like 2 + years __________________ "God" is an alien and we all came from another galaxy as an expansion of our specie's existence.

10-16-2009, 10:30 PM	#6 (permalink)
yo. Controversial Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: SOCAL Posts: 1,207 Thanks: 676 Thanked 202 Times in 143 Posts	i know. i might try to start writing again, i was like 15 or 16 when i wrote that after my first real relationship. __________________ "God" is an alien and we all came from another galaxy as an expansion of our specie's existence.

10-16-2009, 10:25 PM	#5 (permalink)
Mercury Special Delivery Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: The States Posts: 8,190 Thanks: 294 Thanked 799 Times in 537 Posts	good job rhyming. the structure is all wrong, however.

10-16-2009, 10:31 PM	#7 (permalink)
Mercury Special Delivery Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: The States Posts: 8,190 Thanks: 294 Thanked 799 Times in 537 Posts	you could break it into a couplet, if you trimmed some stuff away.

10-16-2009, 10:34 PM	#8 (permalink)
yo. Controversial Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: SOCAL Posts: 1,207 Thanks: 676 Thanked 202 Times in 143 Posts	what you mean? whats a couplet __________________ "God" is an alien and we all came from another galaxy as an expansion of our specie's existence.

10-16-2009, 10:47 PM	#10 (permalink)
yo. Controversial Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: SOCAL Posts: 1,207 Thanks: 676 Thanked 202 Times in 143 Posts	oh, okay thanks __________________ "God" is an alien and we all came from another galaxy as an expansion of our specie's existence.

10-16-2009, 11:25 PM	#12 (permalink)
yo. Controversial Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: SOCAL Posts: 1,207 Thanks: 676 Thanked 202 Times in 143 Posts	i do appreciate it man, like i said i've been wantin to start writin again so i'm always open to tips advices and constructive criticism __________________ "God" is an alien and we all came from another galaxy as an expansion of our specie's existence.

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